Would Sunscreen or an Oar Make A Better Weapon?

I alluded to the topic of this post on Facebook. I’m just now getting around to it since I’m STILL trying to learn my new Mac. Well that, and the fact that with all of the heathen kids we have the odds of something traumatic, dramatic and/or chaotic happening is more than a mere possibility. It’s a probability.

Last week I posted a vlog of my trip to the river with some of the afore mentioned heathen kids. It was a lot of fun. It took us about five hours to make the float from the jumping in spot to the falling out, Lewis and Clark trail, water bottle dropping, lost in the woods, needing Sacajawea, never listening to Karli’s directions again spot. 

This last weekend I had the brilliant idea of floating the river with my stressed husband. I thought it would be a nice relaxing time for him to forget about work, money, the kids and enjoy the beautiful Clackamas River. Being a Diva and all, my ideas are usually spot on. Or maybe that’s my bipolar talking and my ideas really suck. 

Jeff came home from church Sunday morning while I was at Starbucks. He began filling the rafts with air. When I pulled into the driveway and saw that he was home I scurried down to Rite-Aid to get a waterproof beach bag, some water and snacks. I was waiting in line to get a prescription filled when my phone rang. 

“Teri?”

“Yeah?”

“Where are you?”

“Uh, Rite-Aid, like I told you.” I admit that question caused me to begin to get a wee bit of Diva attitude.

“The raft has a hole in it.”

“So, there are four more.” More Diva emerged.

“Well I thought you should know.”

By now I’m a little more than irritated. He knew where I was. There were other rafts that could have been filled while he was calling to tell me the first one had a hole!

I got home, we packed up and took off to drop my car at the landing spot. This is where I’m going to bullet form since I’m not really sure how to link this all together.

• Dropped off my car.
• Drive about 10 miles to drop off the truck and get to the boat ramp. 
• Sheriff at boat ramp issuing citation after citation for alcohol, no life vests and no whistles. 
• We have none of the above. 
• I try to get my not so happy husband to move it and get in the river before the river cops get us. I was NOT going to drive 10 miles back to get my car and go home with Grouchy.
• I get in the raft and Jeff pushes me out into the current. 
• Jeff jumps in water to hop in raft.
• Jeff screams.

 “Why didn’t you tell me the water was this cold?”

My bubble thought ( I have LOTS of bubble thoughts in my life) “Uh, we live in freaking Oregon. Have you EVER heard of snow melt?” My actual words “It’ll warm up. It’s not bad at all.”

• We paddle more into the current.
• We hit rapids, Jeff hits butt on huge boulder and freaks out. 

“Why the hell didn’t you tell me there were boulders in the river?”

My bubble thought “Are you an idiot? Look around. There are boulders everywhere! It’s a R I V E R.” I actually said “Oh, I’m sorry. I should have warned you. I’ll keep a look out”

• Jeff paddles like he’s in an Olympic race.
• We’re speeding ahead of all of the relaxed floaters that are ENJOYING the ride.
• We hit rapids again. 
• Jeff hits butt a second time.

“I’ve had enough of this shit! If I get hit again I’m out!”

Time for another bubble thought “Great! I left my xanex in the car! Idiot!” (thought in Napoleon Dynamite style)

• I look at him and wonder where the heck he thinks we’re going to get out. I mean which cliff of boulders looks the easiest to climb?
• He calms down and we float for what must have been 2 minutes.
• Jeff begins paddling again.

Jeff asks “Why didn’t you tell me that I was going to have to work so hard?”

I respond “The kids and I floated the entire way with no paddles. Just relax. We’ll be fine.” My bubble thought “I’m about to rip that damn oar out of your hand and hit you in the head with it if you don’t stop being a baby!”

• I finally realize that we’re going to make a 4 hour float in about 15 minutes.
• Jeff’s sweating it up paddling away. I mean, who the heck are we racing?
• We hit a HUGE rock shaped like a chair. Jeff gets dropped in it in a way that we’re not getting out any time soon. 
• We think about situation.
• I suggest that if he would come over to my side of the raft his side would lift off of the rock.
• It works and he paddles away. Another brilliant Diva idea, thank you very much!
• I thought I saw a huge hawk, but it was a blur since we were making the NAS-boat tour. Kinda like he takes us to look at Christmas lights: leave house, zoom, back home in 10 minutes flat.
• Hit rapids and raft fills with water.
• Jeff wants to know how we’re going to get the water out of the raft.
• I stare and wonder if he realizes that we’re on a RIVER.
• He begins scooping water out with his hands and asks why I didn’t bring a cup. 
• I stare at him.
• When he’s satisfied enough water is out of the raft he relaxes. 
• I take a couple of pictures. 
• We hit rapids and raft fills with water. Hello? We’re on a RIVER!
• We stop on a beach to empty the raft of water. By this time the spray sunscreen can is once again looking like a weapon to me.
• I open the waterproof bag to get my camera.
• Camera was immersed in water. It’s ruined. Bipolar thought "Oh darn, I guess I'll have to go shopping!"
• Back on the river. 
• Hit and get stuck on log. 
• Fat kid that has a crappy pool float comes to the rescue. 
• Jeff is able to jump out and help Fat kid free us from the fallen tree.
• Fat kid jumps on our raft filling the raft with water. 
• We take Fat kid to deeper water so his little, lime green floaty will work.
• Jeff tells me that he’s tired from paddling.
• I tell him he never has to come with me again.
• He tells me he’s having a great time. 
• I think “Uh huh. Glad one of us is.”
• Get to the landing spot. 
• Get out, deflate, roll up and he asks for my car keys. 
• I stare at him.
• He asks again.
• I stare more.

“Teri tell me you have your keys.”

“Uh, I left them in your truck.”

“You left them in my truck TEN miles away?”

“Sorry.”

“Teri, where’s your cell phone?”

“That was a really stupid question. You think I brought MY cell phone on the river?”

“Go borrow a cell phone.”

• Find family and ask to borrow cell phone. 
• Family makes a big deal about it but lets me use it. 
• No child will answer.
• I leave several “Nazi” mom messages.
• Finally get a kid who calls a kid that calls another kid.
• Wait in hot parking lot for an hour.
• Kid shows up. We pick up both cars.
• We’re hungry.
• We stop at little biker bar that has 3 tacos for 3 dollars. 
• No tables. We sit at bar watching new bartender learn how to make drinks.
• Girl pushes wrong button on whatever that thing is called and squirts cranberry juice instead of coke into a Long Island Iced Tea. 
• She says customer won’t notice. 
• Bartender puts straw in drink, puts her finger over the top to hold some of the drink in straw.
• Removes straw and puts it IN her MOUTH to taste drink. 
• She puts the saliva covered straw back in drink and serves it to customer.
• I gag. Jeff stares. 
• She tells customer it’s supposed to be red. 
• He’s so drunk he doesn’t care and downs the drink.
• I order iced tea in a can.
• Jeff orders beer in a can.
• I begin thinking of how to post this.

Now you know how relaxing and fun our weekend was. 

I think that the moral of this story is to give husband a crushed xanax in his coffee before venturing out on any “relaxing” days.

I LOVE this picture! It came from the broken camera.