It's Real and It's Horrible

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Something Wasn't Right

It had been months, 7 months to be exact, since Jeff had been home.

It has been the most amazing blessing to be reunited with my best friend and soulmate.

However, something was wrong. I sensed it many times but just couldn't put my finger on it.

One day, while he was at work, I was straightening our room and looked at our bed.

I made the decision to change our sides.

That night, as I lay to his right, he put his arm around my stomach. I, in turn, was able to use my left arm to do as I always had, and that was to rub his head, scratch his beard and chest.

It felt so good, so calming, so right.

I laid down, turning on my right side, and moved back into waiting arms that enveloped me.

That was it. We were home.

His chest was on my back and his arm tightly around me pulling me closer, so close I could feel the beating of his heart and his breath on my neck.

I began running down all of the homes we've had, where our bed had been, and on which side we had slept.

Jeff had always been on the left and I on the right.

That night of discovery I fell asleep knowing we were "home," we were right.

I haven't had that "not quite right" feeling again. This is where we belong, this is perfection.

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The Most Perfect Place

In the quiet darkness of night I was lying on my right side, he on his left, his arm comfortably cradling my face

My head was tucked down, resting upon his chest as we breathed together as one

I was listening to the rhythm of his heart as he held me tightly, to himself, and away from the world

My left arm was wrapped around his bare torso, his right arm firmly around mine

With our bare skin touching, our legs intertwined, we laid motionless for what seemed an eternity

Flashes of the previous three decades filled our thoughts as we lay in the familiar fashion

It was then all became real, the peace, the solidarity, and the connection that, although tested by fire, could not be severed

During those moments the struggle of years past was known for what it was intended

Growth, self reflection, falling to our lowest to be lifted to our highest by the Grace and Glory of the One that anointed our communion now as He had so many years ago

We realized more than ever how He had led our steps, kept us safe, and gave us the wisdom to continue what He had ordained

It was then we knew the true meaning of forgiveness, love, devotion, obedience, and faith

We praise Him for allowing us to see His will and for giving us the discernment to protect our union from all that seek to destroy it

Romans 8:37-39

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You Caught Me Off Guard

As usual my mind is going in 12 million directions. Thank you for your kind words.

So looking forward to seeing you.

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What I Saw Changed My Day

As with every morning, upon awaking, I staggered into the kitchen to grab a bit of java. As I did so this morning I noticed my husband's bible was left open so I was curious as to how he began his day.

I know he always begins with reading, but for some reason I was drawn to his choice this morning and in doing so it changed my reading pattern for the day and I am so thankful it did.

Since our God led us to reunification, please understand I refuse to attempt to sway you to my beliefs so know that is not my intention only an expression of my feelings, but since our reunification we have been met with several challenges. Some expected, some surprises, but all that has come against us with negativity we have chosen to cut from our lives for the time being.

We are in a new phase of our lives where we will no longer tolerate drama, negativity, poison, or anything that may get in the way of our much deepened relationship.  I had made that choice and was already on the path before our decision to obey to our God and reunite. Little did I know he was on the same path, same pattern of mind, before we spoke and made our mirrored thoughts solid and clear cut.

Yes, to answer your obvious question, it was unexpected (our coming full circle), and then quick once we realized what was happening.

We can see how people would/could be in shock, disbelief, or even disagreement, with what has happened. With the way we left off one would be a fool not to be skeptical. However, and that is a BIG however, there is not one person, one child, one friend, one acquaintance, that was there in the alone times, in the reality of, our private relationship, and knows all of the situations we both were facing.

That is something everyone in our lives needs to remember. Not one, but our God, knows all. Neither of us is evil, neither of us is without blame of one sort or another. We have both grown wiser, realized, and voiced, our individual weaknesses, and flaws that led to the seeming end of our relationship.

There's so much I could write regarding it all but that's not what I was compelled to write about today.

That being said, I saw my husband had been reading Proverbs 22-23. How eye opening, how affirming, how validating, pertaining to the challenges thrown at us recently.

I was blown away by one scripture that I've seen, and felt, in recent months, as I watched with a joy not easily described, play out with my husband and his son, two of our children, and our daughter in law. Proverbs 23:22-25. The mercy, grace, and love, they have shown has been a light and such an incredible support in the midst of challenges that have come our way.

One of the first passages I read brought a peace beyond understanding to my spirit as I read, Proverbs 22:3. That one scripture pretty much sums up what we've decided. My husband used to tell the children, while they were young, how the enemy waits, much as a dog, for an opening he can use to plow into our lives. You know when a dog sits at the door and cannot enter because the door is tightly shut? He would tell them that if they leave the door cracked just a bit the dog can, and will, push its way through bringing chaos and destruction and it's difficult to stop. We've made the decision to shut the doors tightly until, or even if, those that have taken advantage of the once opened cracks can grow spiritually, drop their arrogance, pride, and attempts to cause strife, in our new found life together.

A few of the scriptures that we've applied in our lives, or are watching play out, are:
Proverbs 22:10, 12, 15, 17-18, 20, 24-25. Then Proverbs 23:6-9, oh Proverbs 23:9 has been shown to be true time and time again as of late, Proverbs 23:22-25, and with what we are dealing with in a day to day battle, Proverbs 23:29-35.

Please do not take this as a rebuke, or a "see there" as many will. This is only meant to be an encouragement to my husband, and to myself, that our decisions to seal the cracks and to focus on rebuilding what God arranged 30 years ago free from ignorance, arrogance, fear, and blindness, are indeed correct.

After all, if God is great enough to extend mercy, forgiveness, and wisdom to you, is He not great enough to extend it to, and to restore us?

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This Little Light Of Mine....She Shines All On Her Own!

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Game On

Sad but true.

I have first hand knowledge of being in a relationship with a true sociopath and what an incredible education it was. I made a HUGE mistake, due to a variety of circumstances in my life, a huge emotional break on my part, in making a false claim, in the heat of the moment, against another person very close to me. I was so very wrong, and in doing so hurt many people. I will never be able to apologize enough. I did learn, however, and life is incredible. We can never learn enough, especially when we make such horrible accusations without true knowledge.

I was however given the incredible, bone-chilling, chance (gift) to actually interact, and be involved with, one that is truly a #sociopath, for far too long. The difference is night and day and the reality set me back on the correct path to become one with my one, and only, true love. A man of great honor and integrity. For that I am thankful. I needed time away from the chaos that had been in the midst of our family for a very long time, brought in by various situations that included many of us.

The article I have shared parts of is so eye opening, and spot on, that I had to share it. 

    "A sociopath doesn't follow the rules. He believes that the rules, laws, and norms that exist for the safety and well being of everyone in society don't apply to him. He's above them, so they mean nothing....

    ...A sociopath doesn't care about the consequences of his actions. He couldn't care less what he does to you. He couldn't care less for any punishment he'd receive, either. That means NOTHING stops him from doing what he wants to do....

    He grows bored very easily. A sign of a sociopath is the need for change, whether it's new homes, NEW LOCATIONS, new friends, new relationships, new jobs, new whatever. His life must always be sensational. He's a thrill-seeker, always moving on to find excitement when boredom hits.

    A sign of being a sociopath is impulsivity (IMPULSIVE GAMBLING). He acts quickly and without deliberation. He also has neither time nor concern for assessing hazards; he's a risk-taker.

    The sociopath is only concerned for the present moment, the now. This is far different from serene mindfulness. A sociopath lives in the present purely for pleasure, excitement, and instant gratification.

    Signs of a sociopath are careless and reckless behavior. He does what pleases him and what will get him ahead. He couldn't care less who gets hurt or what the consequences of his actions are.

(When they hurt a person they feel they are always in the right, and will belittle, laugh at, and attempt to "rally" others to "their side". What they don't see is that everyone around them see through them and their pathetic attempts  of manipulation. They feel they are of superior intelligence, when in fact much of the time their intelligence is stunted.)

    The sociopath is also unpredictable and quite unreliable. If he commits to doing something but later decides that there's nothing in it for him, he won't do it. (He won't apologize, either because nothing else matters but what they want, or what they can get out of you.)

    A sociopath acts immorally. Cheating, lying, stealing, violence, intimidation, and more are part of who he is and what he does.

    To a sociopath, everything is a game. A sign of sociopathic behavior is the manipulating, calculating behavior that is part of the game. Oh, yeah. They must win the game.

    Sociopaths have been called loose cannons, which is an apt summary of the traits of a sociopath.

When someone first encounters a sociopath, he or she often has a vague feeling that the person is "off" somehow. As seen below, one symptom of a sociopath is dynamic charm, so it can be difficult to determine why this "off" feeling nags at the back of the mind. Knowing the sociopath symptoms can help people more clearly identify a sociopath in their midst.

The symptoms of a sociopath paint a clear picture of someone who is a cold, self-centered, manipulative person with no conscience. A sociopath is

    Antisocial, caring neither for societal rules, norms, and laws, nor for other people; a sociopath has no empathy.
    Conniving, manipulative, deceitful, and dishonest; a symptom of a sociopath is blatant violation of the rights of others.
    A CONTROL FREAK; a sociopath needs control, has the skills to get it, and will stop at nothing to achieve it.
    Charming and smooth; for someone who is antisocial, an ironic symptom of a sociopath is someone who has incredible social skills. However, don't let this sociopath symptom fool you, for these social skills are superficial, insincere, and ONLY used by the sociopath to get his or her way.
    A rule-breaker and a risk-taker; for this reason, the sociopath has REPEATED CLASHES WITH THE LAW AND COMMONLY HAS A LENGTHY CRIMINAL RECORD OF WHICH THEY ARE PROUD.

The symptoms of being a sociopath involve traits and behaviors:

These behaviors and personality traits are about how the sociopath interacts with others and who he or she is as a person. Additionally, they are about who the sociopath is not, what he is not like. A sociopath is

    Not disoriented or out of touch with reality; the symptoms of a sociopath point to a person who is rational, aware, and calculating, and his or her behavior is a choice.
    Not psychotic; a sociopath doesn't have hallucinations or delusions. (It's important to note that the term "psychopath" is often confused with the term "psychotic." To be psychotic means to be out of touch with reality due to hallucinatory sensations and delusional beliefs.)
    Incapable of giving or receiving love or of caring about others, a prominent symptom of being a sociopath is a lack of empathy and conscience.
    Unable or unwilling to learn from negative consequences; a sociopath is often in and out of jail or prison because rehabilitation is impossible.

When children show sufficient and persistent sociopathic traits, characteristics and behaviors, they can be evaluated for conduct disorder (Symptoms of a Sociopath in Men, Women, Children). Conduct disorder can be a precursor to antisocial personality disorder in adulthood; indeed, all sociopathic adults had conduct disorder (whether or not it was officially diagnosed) as a child. It's noteworthy that not every child and teen who has conduct disorder will grow up to be a sociopath.

The American Psychiatric Association (2013) discusses the clinical criteria for conduct disorder in its Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, Fifth Edition (DSM-5), the authority on mental disorders. Conduct disorder is described as "a repetitive and persistent pattern of behavior in which the basic rights of others or major age-appropriate societal norms or rules are violated..." The child or teen exhibits delinquent behavior, frequently severely so, in the following ways:

    Aggression to people and animals
    Destruction of property
    Deceitfulness or theft
    Serious violations of rules

Fire setting, cruelty to animals, and bedwetting (enuresis), together known as the MacDonald Triad, are behaviors that are connected to conduct disorder. Truancy, vandalism, violence, lying, cheating, running away, and early sexual behaviors are but some of the sociopathic behaviors committed by a child or adolescent with conduct disorder.
A Child "Sociopath" is Callous, Unemotional.

The professional term frequently used to describe children who have conduct disorder (CD) is callous and unemotional (CU). Just as sociopathy is a group of traits and behaviors, so, too, is conduct disorder. Traits of a CD/CU child include:

    Disengaged, withdrawn from relationships with parents, family, peers, teachers, etc.
    Social isolation (a sociopathic child is a loner by choice)
    Limited affect/emotion other than impulsive anger
    Little or no attachment or bonding with anyone
    Unremorseful
    Intimidating
    Impervious to punishments, positive reinforcements, and negative reinforcements

Dating, or being married to, a sociopath, having any type of relationship with a sociopath, is usually a shallow, confusing, one-sided experience.

Do sociopaths cry or have feelings at all? Sure they do, when it suits them. FAKING feelings is a skill the sociopath EXCELS at.

Can sociopaths love? Are you kidding? They love themselves enormously!

Narcissistic Sociopath is a Bad Combination

Sociopath and psychopath are words that commonly describe antisocial personality disorder. Sometimes they're used interchangeably, but some experts differentiate between the two. Perhaps inserting narcissism into the mix might help people decide which term to use.

A sociopath doesn't care if he's benefiting anyone. Cold, calculating, and manipulative, he doesn't think about others at all unless they can benefit him.

A narcissist believes he's great, that everything about him is magnificent. He knows with unwavering confidence even beyond conceit that he's benefiting everyone around him and more (Narcissistic Personality Disorder Symptoms, Diagnosis).

In reading a wide variety of literature, patterns become evident. It appears that it is a combination of these personalities that constitutes a narcissistic sociopath. Further, it's the description of narcissistic sociopath that is the common conceptualization of the psychopath.

How do you spot a sociopathic narcissist? Watch for certain traits:

    ...A driven quest for power. If a narcissistic sociopath cares about anything other than himself, it is destructive power and control over people....

    ...Behaviors that seek love and admiration. To be sure, this isn't needy love. It's not even emotional love. It's SUPERFICIAL. A narcissistic sociopath sees love and admiration as power tools to manipulate and dominate....

    ...No apologies, no guilt, no remorse under any circumstance. A sociopathic narcissist believes that he is a gift to the world who makes it richer and more colorful. Therefore, his calculated, even cruel actions are always justified....

(Come on, stealing his own Mother's social security checks? That about as low as it gets. Well, unless you say you're going to pick up the check for dinner, have everyone pay you, then walk with the cash, or perhaps not even contribute to the woman's, he so callously mistreated, funeral...his own mother.)

    Invincibility. The narcissistic variety of sociopath believes he is indomitable. Even punishment and prison can't stop him. They're merely part of the game.

    Wholly SELF-SERVING. The needs and wants of others are insignificant and undeserving of consideration.

    Act as the producer, director, and only actor of his own show. The narcissistic sociopath casts people in roles that increase his power and sense of importance and when bored, casts them aside."

In my experience this person is not only physically, but mentally, impotent and likes to play bully, when in reality he is nothing but a blow hard. Nothing to back his bark, and so laughable. He has shown time and time again when he loses he resorts to bullying anyone he can. Luckily people realize he has nothing to back his words.

I thank God for opening my eyes and for giving me a much more clear picture, I also thank Him for my life, my education, my resilience, and the ability to recognize and discard the BS with ease.

Much credit for this to HealtyPlace. When I read it I was like, "BINGO!"

I give thanks daily to my God, my Teacher, and my incredible, one, true, love.

Oh, and I'm not afraid of you. You're doing a great job of stacking the charges against yourself, theft, attempted theft, slander, liable, and so much more.

Oh, and "Auntie," your mean, self serving, comments are seen for what they are. The true coward is the one that uses an "alias." I think you forgot, but you've tried that with me before. Answer this for me. Why on earth would I EVER publish your comments when you use the names of my children? Surely you don't want them thrown into the public eye? No negativity here, so if you bring it again know it's being laughed off and discarded. 

To the rest of you I truly apologize. Sometimes ugly things have to be addressed.

With great appreciation,

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Motorcycle Mishaps

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Decisions Tested

What an amazingly, perfect day. Yes the AC went out, then had to have someone come out to repair what the first tech kinda messed up, water everywhere, but it was peaceful. So many things went south yesterday and today. It really tested us and our decisions, and we won.

 

This afternoon our gorgeous daughter bounced downstairs when she got home with an amazing smile that lit the room, my husband got home a bit early. He and I drove out to Papa Haydn in Sellwood for a cozy, quiet, dinner that ended with delicious Boccone Dolce and a slice of Chocolate Truffle cake. 

 

We talked, laughed, and enjoyed every second of being together. It truly is a wonderful life. Six weeks have flown by, and it is as if there was never day missed in nearly 30 years. Everything is so much better, so right. 

 

Our joint decisions not to allow negative people, or situations, into our lives or influence us, to close the door to people that cling to bitterness, to realize the mistakes of our past, and look to the brightness of our future, has made every thing we lost, learned, gained........it has all been worth it. 

To see how far we've come astounds me. We're both the same people essentially, but so much more wise, secure, certain, and committed.

We've realized the proper chain of priority that was before missing, and we will cling to it fiercely. 

Don't allow anyone tell you that you cannot learn from the past, change your future, and re-prioritize. You can if it means enough to you. You just have to start, throw fear out of the picture, and start. Remember, fear is a manufactured emotion, one that kills so much, one that we create ourselves and it keeps us in bondage. 

 

If you stay paralyzed in fear you will never know, or see, the very best there is waiting just around the corner. 

Take that step, be courageous, don't listen to the ones that want to keep you down. Ask yourself why another person would not want you to succeed. Generally it's because they are unhappy with themselves, their lives. Their happiness is their decision, just as yours is yours.

 

Make the decision. Step into the light and out of darkness. You'll be so happy you did. 

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So Let Hope Rise And Darkness Tremble

I was on my left side, staring up in the darkened room at the crystal chandelier above my side of the bed.

I silently laid and waited for sleep. It's elusive tonight.

There is a faint glow from a Himalayan Pink Salt rock that resides on the massive marble topped dresser that holds the TV.

I hear breathing, slow, deep, steady. I hear the whir of the fan, and the faint sound of a dog snoring.

Sleep will not come easy tonight. I look to my right and see the bare chest of the man God brought me nearly 30 years ago, then brought again earlier this year.

We lived together nearly 27 years the first time, as a couple. We've been married a bit over a month now and live as one, united, solid, and peaceful.

It's been an interesting experience to see the changes in each other and in ourselves. The depth we both feel, the total commitment, the coming together as one cohesive couple, is one of the most miraculous events of our lives.

The feelings, emotions, and connection, cannot be explained to one that has not had the experience, other than it's calming, more calming than ever.

There's a connection never before felt. We walked through fire apart to come back together when the timing was right.

It's a wonderful feeling to know, really know, the best of our lives is yet to come.

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Whisperings To Itching Ears...In Other Words..Setting The Record Straight

Select "friends" and "family" seem to be forgetting a few, very important, things.

Each of you that has never made a mistake, or poor choice, please comment.

Those of you that have received God's grace and mercy but are unwilling to acknowledge He extends it to all that ask, please comment.

Those of you that profess to be Christian, yet refuse to forgive, please comment.

Those of you that think it's fine to see one glimpse of a situation and not another, please comment.

Those of you that feel there is "sin" worse than believing a false prophet to be The Creator, please comment.

Those of you that feel you are free to live in the present and not the past but others are not, please comment.

Those of you that have failed miserably and overcome, but refuse to believe another can, please comment.

Those of you that believe you know God's will for your life but others cannot know the same of theirs, please comment.

To those that believe a person "has lost his salvation" because you don't know God's will for him, and what he was called to do, please tell me when God gave you His job.

To those that believe gossip, negativity, and hatred, is just fine with God, please comment.

To those that come against my family because many of us are tattooed, call us pathetic, and believe we are on the road to hell probably need to read Micah 6:8. God judges our hearts, not our skin.

Those that do not believe God is the Master of reconciliation and Owner of restoration, please comment.

Those that feel it is correct to live life in negativity, haughtiness, blindness, hatred, judgment, and self righteousness, please exit our lives.

We will not tolerate untruths, negativity, gossip, or anything that promotes such, to enter our home. The door is closed.

Happiness, positivity, love, forgiveness, devotion, kindness, peace, humbleness, and joy, are what we choose. What does your choice say about you?

To God Be The Glory for forgiveness, restoration, and true healing.

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First Written, Now Spoken

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For My Failures I Am Thankful

Through some of the most bizarre happenings, difficult situations, and unlikely actions, somehow life seems to bring the most amazing gifts at the most unexpected times, in the most inconceivable ways.

I realize many of you don't share my faith and this is in no way an attempt to persuade you to believe as I believe, but rather a proclamation of my feelings, my beliefs, and how my walk in this world has been affected by my own actions and my belief of how The One I put my inner most faith in used unfathomable circumstances to guide me, keep me safe, and better my life. Speaking for myself, this is Thanksgiving, realization, and healing. This is therapy for me, and perhaps for just one individual that may be reading the words typed within this post, perhaps encouragement that they too are capable of great change and the ability to set themselves free of the shackles as I feel I have. 

Because of a Willie Nelson concert I met a man. The marriage was short, and horrible, but I was given a beautiful daughter that was an answer to a life long prayer down to the color of her green eyes, her smile, and the curl of her hair. 

Through a second, short, tumultuous relationship, I was blessed with an incredible son. He's handsome, intelligent, funny, with staunch convictions and a smile and laugh that could light the world.

Due to my troubled past God sent me the love of my life, to guide me, teach me, to be a true father for my two small kidlets, and the opportunity to build a wonderful, eventful, life together.

Through the misfortune of others I gained more miraculous children that forever changed my life.

Through the rape of one of my daughters we gained an amazing grand son. He's caring, so very smart, driven, and a genuine humanitarian. Just to think of him makes my heart overflow with joy and awe.

Through the death of a grand son I gained an opportunity to prioritize the truly important from things much less so. Not only witnessing my grand son's fight to die, but watching my child as she watched her child die, was agonizing but taught me we only see the dark threads and knots beneath the tapestry being created, One day we shall see the importance those dark threads and knots made in the completion, and beauty, of the finished masterpiece.

Through the death of my mother I gained a much needed relationship with my father, heart felt admissions and apologies, true, unconditional love, answers to the unanswered, and getting a better grip on the fact, that while in no way perfect, my parents did the best they could with the hands they had been dealt. For that I am thankful. It gave me the room to realize no parent is ever capable of doing everything right even though, generally, our intentions are to do so, but life sometimes gets in the way. I should re-phrase that, life always gets in the way and we all deviate from our paths. That doesn't make us worse than, it makes us human.

It allowed me to see, to know, my parents were in fact human, humans make mistakes and bad choices. Even when our intentions are good, there is not one of us that escapes failure. Through those last 13 months alone with my father, I came to know they did their best, and that is all I could ever ask. The good far outweighs the bad. I choose to remember, and cherish, the good, from the bad I choose to learn.

Seeing my granddaughter, delivered alive at 24 weeks, lying on a table, purple and lifeless, surrounded by a team attempting to keep her alive, set off a string of events I was unable to put together until recently. Her early birth was the trigger that brought flashbacks that ultimately sent me over the edge.

Because of the effects of unspeakable, and tremendous, past trauma, and my self destruction, I lost the ones I loved most. I was weak. I broke.

Through the seeming failure of a more than 2 decade marriage, and separation from my mate, I gained clarity.

Through the relationship with a grifter I gained self worth, self reliance and the ability to face, and heal from, the PTSD that heavily contributed to the failure of the marriage to my one, true, love.

What I gained from my relationship with the grifter is really what I would like to address in this post. I gained much more than I lost, and am so thankful that even though in the eyes of the world I appeared to willingly walk into the den of the devil, in reality I was set free from his talons, and bestowed with great gifts I could have never received otherwise.

I was kept isolated in a way that allowed me to reflect on my path, my mistakes, my choices, both good and bad, in the course of my life.

I was able to clearly see my part in the destruction of the relationship with my best friend.

I was shown the way I contributed to some of the actions of my true, God given, husband, that drove me from him, and him from me. For that I take ownership.

I was allowed to feel, to experience, how I made the other half of my soul feel when I shut him down by fleeing my inner demons, the experiences that haunted my subconscious mind and led to my implosion, and that of my family.

I was given quietness, the time, the insight, to see how horribly I failed, in so many ways, as a parent, as a wife, and as a friend. I also realized the opposite as well. I was reminded countless times of how I had changed patterns of my parents and did wonderful things for my family, although in many areas I did fail them, myself, and my spouse. No parent is perfect, not one. I am thankful I was given the opportunity to see how my insecurities, and events I kept buried deep within, led to an unhealthy co-dependency with some of my children that placed burdens on them that were not theirs to carry. That cannot be undone, only learned from.

My life was emptied, some by my choice, some by their choice, of those that weighed me down and kept me from growing. By doing so I was able to bloom myself and realize I had the ability to analyze, realize, grow, and change my thought patterns, my self destructive ways, and become the person, I believe, God intended me to be. I came to know the difference in needing and wanting people and material items.

I was given the courage to face my downfalls, see my failures, make amends when possible, ask for forgiveness, and realize that everything happens for a reason, and sometimes that reason is that we are stupid, blind, and make bad decisions.

I was able to learn that I was, and am,  responsible for myself. I have the power within my being to remain the same or to change. I choose change and bettering myself for my husband and for my family, but most of all for myself. For if I cannot be willing to change for myself, I will only fail spectacularly again. Failure is inevitable, without failure there can be no growth. Learning from failure is optional, and I choose to learn.

I'm reminded of the quote of Thomas Edison, "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." I will use my failures to learn what doesn't work, what should not be repeated, and not to be ashamed of them. My failures are what made me who I am today. Without them, without this past three years, I honestly don't see how I could have made the personal progress I have made.

Besides being led back to my one true love, with a much deeper respect, love, and relationship, I was also, through that seemingly bad relationship choice, given the gift of friendship, new friends that have become family, the ability to realize, and separate, the wheat from the chaff, and knowing, seeing, feeling the changes in, and around my life.

How could I possibly be anything but thankful?


Most sincerely,

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Stranger In The Night

Monday night we were soundly sleeping when, as if in a dream, we heard a frantic voice coming from outside our room. It took us both several minutes to realize someone was knocking on our bedroom door trying to alert us that our 24 year old, mentally ill,  homeless, son was on the front steps outside of our house.

Fighting fogginess we found clothes and fumbled up the stairs to the front porch. It had been months since I had seen him, years since his father had. He sat slumped forward, his head down, his sun kissed face was covered with an unkempt beard, and dark brown curls fell over eyes filled with tears.

He was looking at his hands, hands that appeared not to have been washed in months. His father, shocked at the appearance of the child once so playful and inquisitive, broke down sobbing at the sight of what was before him, our broken son, one that never leaves out thoughts but is rarely in our presence.

Before us sat an adult, with the mind of a child, that has chosen life in the maze of tent cities downtown. For years we've tried, to the detriment of our other children at times, to help him find his way. Mental illness has him tightly gripped in its talons. It's not a sight any parent should have to behold. Our son did not choose the life he now leads.

With each passing year he seems to worsen, the demons pull him further into their clutches from which there appears no escape. I've immersed myself into the world of social workers, hospitals, clinics, all seemingly in vain.

We brought him inside gave him towels for a shower and looked for clothes that he could wear. As he was cleaning himself of the grime of the city streets we prepared a place for him to sleep and heated up leftovers from that night's dinner. It was most likely the first "real" food he had eaten since he was last here.

It's more than impossible to help a person that is so transient. As soon as we get a plan of action he fades into the endless, interchangeable, faces that fill the nooks and crannies of so many pockets in the Portland area. Last night I was able to find a contact number of a case worker I met last year that had been working with us to help our son.

Through endless phone calls, a trip to the ED where surgery was preformed on an abscess deep within his neck, more connections were made. Ones that will hopefully lead to being able to gain guardianship, a road to housing and a more stable life, and a safer environment for the child placed in our family as a fragile newborn.

I watched as people judged him by his appearance. I saw them judge me because I am his mother. I saw them look at my clothing, my jewelry, my handbag, and I watched as they appeared to be wondering how could I allow him to end up this way? "Why can't you take him home?" I saw them thinking. The ignorance is appalling. We fought for years to help our son. His illness is severe and the potential for great harm to us cannot be overlooked. It's a fine line a parent must walk to help a child like ours while staying safe ourselves.

People judge but they do not know our plight, the story behind the faces. One nurse must have sensed my bewilderment at the attitude of others and took me aside and kindly told me there are not many in my son's position that have parents that care enough to try as we have, to fight the endless fight. She had been looking through his records and had seen how often we had been there fighting unable to make much progress. 

When I looked in on him after surgery I didn't see a homeless man, but rather my son soundly sleeping, safely, within the confines of a hospital room. I saw the child that kept us on our toes, the boy that played his guitar and sang endlessly. I saw the one that graduated culinary school. I saw his smiling face and twinkling eyes of days long gone. I saw the heart now being held captive by an illness that has put him into a reality not of this world.

I pulled the blankets up, tucked in my son, kissed him on the forehead, and fighting tears, left him in the care of strangers for the night.

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The Long Way Home

It was one of those rare, perfect, days to ride. The sun was high, shining in the cloudless, bright blue, sky. The air was warm, with no more than a faint breeze. It was one of those days that I was one with my bike, and felt the bondage of recent years broken as I rode through the Oregon countryside.

At one point I, as I passed the spot where I was hit ten years ago, my body remembered what my mind had buried. It was only for a moment, but I felt the heat of my arm lying on the highway with bits of rocks, dirt, and glass, between my flesh and the scorching pavement.

Flashes of memory, I'm not sure if they were recollections of the actual event or if I was recalling the journal entries I had written following the accident, ran through my mind, people, cars, fears, doctors, and much more.

Minutes after I passed that fateful site I settled back into riding. I felt so free, so unencumbered, so exhilarated, as I traveled the the road I had ridden many times before.

I rode for hours with the indescribable feeling of being set free. I took in all I could of the journey that day, the smell of freshly baled hay, the warmth of the sun on my face, the scent of blooming flowers wafting in the air, and the occasional sting of a bug hitting my face.

Riders know the feeling. The feeling of being one with our surroundings, and the ability to be set free of work, stress, problems, and the like. It is an experience like no other.

On the way home I downshifted as I exited the highway. I'm, not sure why these thoughts entered my mind, but I thought of when I first began to ride. I would call my father each day and ask, "Dad, when will I get this? When will it become natural? When will it become less stressful?"

His answer was that of a teacher of many things. "Teri, you'll become much more comfortable after 400 miles. Each mile after that becomes more effortless. Then one day you'll realize, after many, many, miles have gone by, that sometime in the past it clicked and became second nature."  Perhaps I thought of it because that day, so many years after I first began riding, I recognized how natural it was. I didn't have to think to downshift, I didn't have to think when to roll back the throttle, I didn't have to think about turning on my signals. I just did.

I could see Dad smiling, I rolled back the throttle and took the long way home.

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Revelations

Wow! That's the word that comes to mind, the only one, that aptly describes my existence, the transformation, the realizations, the whirl wind, of my life of late.

I'm still amazed I was placed in an environment where I was forced to rely upon myself, reflect, grow, and see things in a light I had not before been capable of.

Much has surfaced regarding many people in our lives, ourselves included. I made a conscience decision awhile back not to see the "silver lining" of painful events in my life, but rather to take them and glean what I was able, apply it to my life, be grateful for the lessons taught, and to attempt to see life, as much as possible, in a positive light.

Since making that decision I've been able to shed the bondage of the past and welcome the freedom of the future.  I am amazed, by that one decision, how much I have grown as a person, and how different my life now is. One conscience decision  changed the path of my entire journey.

My husband of nearly thirty years (we divorced and will shortly be remarried) and I have been bombarded with many things that several years ago would have sent me into a tailspin.

One major situation, an intense and deeply disturbing, health issue really made me step back and realize just how far I have come. My husband had to undergo emergency surgery. My daughter and I did what we felt right and contacted all we thought needed to know.

Who responded, who didn't respond, and who took the opportunity to reveal themselves, was incredible. It really opened both of our eyes, and it set us free.

Three phone calls especially would have sent me spiraling several years ago. My husband looked at me today, with his soft blue eyes, as we were discussing the way each individual had handled the situation and said, "Teri, I am amazed at how calm you were, how genuine you were, and how peaceful you now are. Had you gone through this 3-4 years ago you would have been a basket case." He was right.

I would have lost it but as each incident occurred it allowed me to see the changes in myself, and not get angry with the ones that chose less than acceptable means to express themselves at such a critical time. I was able to step out, not take any of it personally, but rather realize they, too, have made decisions, ones that, if they're not careful, will leave them stuck in the past unable to move forward.

How can I be angry with people that I once was like? To realize I didn't need the validation of any of them, that I know, my husband knows, what is now reality, lifted even more weight that I need not carry.

What my husband had to endure opened, and closed, many doors and put to rest any doubt I may have had as to the change I've experienced. My husband saw it, my daughter and son saw it, and most of all I didn't just see it, I felt it.

There were also wonderful, encouraging conversations with two of my step sons and our daughter in law. I cannot express how impressed I was, he was, with their willingness to trust their father, to speak with me, and with open hearts and minds, begin to see for themselves all that has occurred. That takes faith and guts that not many have. They have chosen not to leave in fear, but in faith.

My husband and I are free. We are free to choose to live in the present, not the past. We are free from condemnation from those unwilling to move forward. Most of all we are free to live the life we've always wanted, one with minimal drama, negativity, and strife and replace it with serenity, peace, and true joy.

We have chosen to move forward, not backward, to be happy and not bitter, and most of all not allow anyone to steal our joy. Those that choose to be on board we are ecstatic about, those that choose not to be have journeys of their own they must endure, to mature, to grow, to realize the difference in past and future, conviction and condemnation, fear and faith. Our sincere prayer is that they don't have to experience the pain my husband and I have had to face to come to this point. We also know only God knows what needs to be done to bring them to a place they can once again join our family.  That we ask, we ask for our, their, Creator, to do whatever it takes to set them free so that their shackles can also be removed, so they can live without fear, and with the freedom of anger and bitterness my husband and I now enjoy.



xoxoxo

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The Journey

As I laid sleeping in bed yesterday morning, buried beneath fluffy down comforters and my head between pillows of the same, my slumber was interrupted by a voice. I struggled to pull myself from a deep state of sleep attempting to comprehend, not only the voice I was hearing, but the words that were being spoken at such an early hour.

As I turned, and adjusted the pillows, I recognized a soothing voice from the past and as I realized the words being spoken had been written centuries ago my spirit calmed. It seemed as if I snuggled into my cocoon more deeply and a peace fell over me as I listened to the words of the first chapter of Ephesians being read aloud by a man I fell in love with 29 years ago.

So strange is the journey of life with it's twists and turns, peaks and valleys, that to think of trying to convey to another the tale of how the best friend I have ever had and I went through glorious, unforgettable times, into the pits of hell, only to return to each other with a deepened respect, much more wise, and the realizations we have both come to understand, is daunting to say the least.

I am, as is he, still attempting to come to grips with the fact that our last few years have brought us so much closer than could have ever before been imagined. I get the fact that many people only know my side of the story, or his side of the story, and are unwilling to even accept the fact that this is our journey, not theirs, and that we have both acknowledged our individual actions that caused the other to unravel.

Most are well meaning, but ignorant, a few are down right mean spirited and spiteful. When  people see only the suffering of one, they naturally side with the one they have witnessed first hand. What few understand is that the other suffered as well. The people that witnessed the after math with me are skeptical, as are the ones that witnessed the aftermath with him. When everything is put on a scale the weight of pain is pretty much equal.

The last several years we were both put into situations that forced us to learn how to be alone. We were able to step away from the fire and see which matches we each lit, and how we ignited the destruction of the other.

When that happened the door to the future could be opened. What began as a deal to save our family home has only proven we were only apart to learn what we needed to learn so that we could come back bigger and better than before.

Yesterday I had a several hour tattoo session with a man we are both honored to call out friend. We've known him for at least a decade. He knew us before the spiral, he knew us. He has no agenda, as many appear to. It was good. He and I were alone for the 3 hour session and were able to really talk.

It was awesome to hear his genuine, honest, thoughts on the situation at hand. He saw it coming, he knew everything, yet he loves us both. He said we needed time apart to regroup, that he knew we always belonged together. He reiterated several times how happy he was that we were back, how he saw how happy we both are and we were meant to be, "just like in the beginning." I was amazed at his ability to stand before me knowing the total, and complete truth, and tell me we were made for each other.

Mind you, this is a man that knows both sides and is wise enough to basically say, "forgot those other people. They have no clue." He is also one that saw me at my lowest. He said, "Teri, this is a new chapter. People can get on board or they can get the f^@k out of your lives. This is your life, not theirs, and they need to mind their own business. The past is past. If they can't get over it, it's their problem not yours."

My friend, if you should happen to read this, know that you are, with out a doubt, one of the very few, perhaps the only, that was wise enough to allow us to be complete and total idiots, and truly be happy we are now one again. You see the big picture, and we love you for that.

xoxo

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Buried Alive

It's been a long, twisting, uncertain, path I've traveled the past few years, thus explaining my extended absence from writing.

I sit here, in my bed, with coconut oil in my hair, a dog by side, and one by my bed, as I reflect on all that has come to pass, all I have gained, and lost, through the trials and tribulations of years gone by.

I cannot say how thankful I am for all I have endured that has brought me to this place of peace, true peace, in my life now.

2008 was the year my fall began. I had endured much before that. I was on autopilot and unable to analyze the traumatic events that led to all that has happened, both good and bad.

Many of you know of much, but what you don't realize, as I didn't, was how much, in such a short time, had happened. In a short few years my daughter was stalked, and raped, one grandson died, a grandson was born three months early, my mother was killed, I was hit on my motorcycle, my father died, my granddaughter was born three months early, my son was left on the side of a highway as road kill by a hit and run driver, and those are only the tips of the iceberg I was dealing with.

There was much more in the equation that has brought me to this point. It's only been in the past few years I have been able to stop running from the demons that haunted me, and kept me on the run, and I have finally come to a place of peace.

I never knew why I ran, but ran I did. I knew what I wasn't running from, but it wasn't until about a year ago I finally realized what tipped the scales for me and sent me on a path that ultimately made me a better, stronger, person. I was finally able to see the full picture.

As I wrote earlier, my fall began in 2008. I had lost both of my parents and a grandchild and by that time and was numb. Then, only recently realized, there was an event that took me back to one of the most horrible moments of my life, seeing my first child, Noah, that wasn't allowed to take a breath before being violently brought into this world.

As I saw my premature granddaughter lying motionless on a table in the NICU, at the very gestational age Noah was when he died, a team of people trying to save her precious life, I was hit square in the face with flashbacks of seeing the lifeless, torn, body of my son. I had buried those images so deeply, and guarded them so fiercely, that they my mind could not recall them until I saw Anna-Grace's tiny body on the table.

That was the beginning of the trials and tribulations that have finally come full circle. I had never dealt with so much, I wasn't strong enough. I kept myself busy to keep my mind off of horrible things I didn't want to acknowledge. I numbed my mind by running.

Then something amazing happened. The running stopped. I found myself in a situation in which I was forced to be still, be alone, be quiet. My mind was quiet, and the boxes I had sealed so long ago were opened.

I made discoveries of ignored pains. I took each sealed box and forced myself to relive them, to look at them, to grieve. I allowed myself to feel the pain, I allowed myself to realize certain decisions were made because people thought they were doing the best for me. I realize that now, although the pain has never ceased, I understand as a parent why some things happened the way they did, and I was able to truly forgive.

Last fall I stepped back, after a session in therapy, and I watched. In doing so I learned. I stopped the denial, I felt the pain, I grew stronger. My eyes were opened and for the first time in years I saw clearly.

This February I received a toxic, venomous, letter from an embittered child that lit me up. I went to, who I thought was the source at the time, confront a person that had loved me though out all I had endured, all the pain I had caused, and all the running I did.

That dialogue opened a door, a door back to myself, a door leading me back to where I was meant to be all along. I believe my daughter would be mortified to know she was the catalyst God used to bring me full circle. It was through that conversation that God was able to begin to heal, not only me, but my best friend and our relationship.

It was through that conversation that God could begin the restoration that He alone is the Owner of. There were still obstacles to overcome, and difficulties to deal with, but decisions I needed to come to before the restoration could take place had already been made.

Once that long, sometimes painful, but very deep conversation took place, God was free to have us see His plan.

So much has changed these past years. I take it all as a wonderful blessing. My best friend of 30 years told me he thought true colors of those we both love would be revealed. He was right in so many ways. They have been and in doing so they have chosen to take themselves out of our lives and cling to their toxic ways.

I thank God for the trials, the problems, the complexities of the past, a diamond doesn't become a diamond without immense pressure.

I'm excited about the future. I'm excited to be the woman I was meant to be all along. I'm excited the veils have been lifted, at least for my best friend and me, to see clearly the motives of others. I'm excited to be peaceful, content with who I am, and I look forward to a glorious future that could not have been without the brokenness brought by the past.

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The Uncensored Truth

It's been so very long since I have written, so very, very, long.

I never stopped writing, observing, and learning. It was not captured by tapping the keys on a keyboard but rather by making mental notes from analyzing the last nine years, all that lead to my fall, and allowing, sometimes kicking and screaming, myself to look into my soul, see myself for exactly who I am, a flawed human that erratically ran from deeply embedded traumas and in doing so gravely damaged those I love most.

Did I do it intentionally? Of course not, I would never intentionally hurt the ones whose hearts mean the world to me but hurt them I did. The wounds run deep and will hopefully heal allowing the restoration and reconciliation of all involved.

I told my husband over and over, when I began to fracture, that I was not running from him, or our children, but how could any of them believe what I said when they were the ones incinerated as they witnessed the unspeakable actions of the one they looked to for stability?

At that time I didn't know from what I was running. I only knew I felt as though I was drowning, and my world was imploding. I sought distractions from the pain within my core but the flames only intensified and the disarray of my thoughts and actions worsened.

After the flames destroyed me, and all I held, and still hold, dear, I found myself in a pile of ash, scared, alone, and broken. I found myself in exactly the place, I believe, God needed me to be so He could build me back into be the woman, the mother, and the wife, He had intended for me to be all along.
 
After my destruction I was able to step back and go through madness to find myself and what was torturing my soul. These past few years have allowed me to walk out of the flames that were burning in the depths of my being and face the immense fear of acknowledging, feeling, and dealing with, the multiple traumas, purposely hidden events of times long past, and haunting flashbacks, that at the time, I couldn't piece together.

Bit by bit, day by day, sometimes minute by minute I fought to survive. I, with the help of intense therapy and the loss of all I held dear, forced myself to relive, face, and feel, the intense pain I had buried so long ago. I realized that each event I buried, each event I blocked, each event I refused to acknowledge because of fear, never went away. What it did was build, and intensify, until I was too weak to continue on and it took me down without me realizing what, or why, the fall that destroyed my world occurred.

I now know, by the Grace of God, the fact that events I had once blocked from my memory, things I chose to bury, that I allowed Satan's greatest tool, fear, to take, not only me, but my family as well, into the pits of hell.

Today I can honestly say that I fought back, not always by myself, but I did the one thing Satan didn't want me to do, I faced my fears, my shortcomings, my failures, my mistakes, my bad choices, and by doing so, by facing my fears and admitting them, I have allowed my Creator to take the pile of ash I found myself in and mold me into the person He wants me to be.

By my choice of ignoring my fears, by not confronting my failures, or admitting how very flawed I am, I allowed the downfall of my family to occur. Yes, there were other things that were involved in the mix, but I am taking responsibility of all I allowed to happen, I am taking responsibility for the destruction of my family.

Do I regret what happened? Most certainly I do. I regret, and mourn for, what happened to those I love so very much. For me, what I went through, what I lost, what I learned, I regret nothing, for it taught me more than I could have ever have learned had it not happened and I am okay with that.

I am peaceful, I am confident, I am joyful, and I am so very thankful to serve a God that loves me so much that He alone brought me through those times. He provided what I needed most at the very times I needed it. He placed people in my life that He used to shape me. He brought me home. Should I regain what I lost the glory will be His, should I not, I can truthfully say I, even though saddened, I am at peace for the first time in many years, and that alone is a great testimony to His healing powers.

The days of running from my fears are gone. The ability to face them head on is a feeling that is not one easily described but it is amazing.

Where I stand today, being able to admit, to see, to face my fear, is only by the Grace of God and to Him be the glory.

Forever flawed but trying,

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Diametrically Opposing Realities

As the intricate cloak of the past fell to the ground
A child appeared where a woman once stood

Eyes that had previously seen the world though a mist of grey fog
Now see it through those of an inquisitive toddler

Although both views are intimidating
They brought, and will bring, laughter, tears, joy, and fear

Both perspectives are multi dimensional learning experiences to be embraced
The wonderful, treasured, memories of decades past are mingled with a new life

The merging of two such diametrically opposing realities bring challenging obstacles
That in time will unite, completing the circle that was written in the universe centuries ago

A new woman will emerge energized with the finest of all that has been learned
The dark times will be integrated and will be seen for what they were intended

Light cannot exist without darkness, learning without failure, appreciation without loss
Strong winds will come in hopes of bringing failure and doubt

We can allow our feathers to be ruffled or we can seize an upward current and soar
We can choose to see only the darkness of night or the brilliance of stars upon black velvet

The choice is ours to make
The circle ours to complete

xoxo

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Sleeping In The Snow

I feel the need to write but of what I don't know. The thoughts vaporize the very moment they begin to manifest.

My head is filled with looped, unending, visions of the mingling of past and present. There is no cohesive pattern that can be identified.

My homeless, mentally ill, son sleeping in the streets of Portland in the snow is haunting. In my mind's eye I envision him crouching in crevices, hidden tunnels, tent city, hungry, cold, scared, confused. The beauty of downtown lights, parks, sidewalks, in the midst of snowflakes gently falling, is washed away with the realization a child of mine has chosen a life that has no foundation in reality.

The thought of him suffering is too much to dwell on, so I push it aside in favor of Jenga, hot chocolate, the fur of my German Shepherd that continually covers the Saltillo tile floors in my home, and how I will make it to the gym tomorrow in this weather.

I'm thinking of my newest tattoo and my addiction to ink, the allure, the rebellion, the sensual seduction it represents. I miss my sensual side, the eroticism screaming from deep within my soul. It's been buried for far too long and I'm not sure how much longer it can remain so. I feel out of sorts and unbalanced.

Next my mind wanders into the following week when I will be making a drastic change in my appearance. I'm excited but nervous, joyous but unsure.

I'm thinking of the feel of the Egyptian cotton sheets on my bare skin, the smell of the almond cream around my eyes, and the sound of a campfire emanating from the sleep therapy console on the dresser.

I have beautiful thoughts, symbolic imagery, dancing dreams, attempting to flow from my mind to my fingers to the keys on the computer but they are quelled by thoughts of warm weather, Palm Beach, Vallarta, Cabo, Waikiki, and those are darkened when the heart of a Mother remembers the smile of her child when he's not in a psychotic state. He's an adult now, and my hands are bound. However, my heart, my love, my concern is with each of my children but tonight mostly with the scruffy, bearded, man-child, roaming downtown avenues seeking a place of warmth in the icy cold of the harsh weather. May God be with him, and with all of my children.

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