Realizations And Shape Shifting Clouds

I was the passenger in a little, sporty, black, BMW the other day when I asked the driver this question, "What do you like best about yourself?" It was at that very moment on the space time continuum that I realized I had no answer regarding myself, hence the origination of this post.

I knew then I needed to delve down deeply, and search out, the good that is within me, traits that I like, that I know are good, and meditate on those which I was gifted. Gifted with may be the incorrect terminology, perhaps those I have developed through trial and error, innate qualities that are untainted and pure, and only then would I be able to move forward with my life, my happiness, and quell my fears.

I'll attempt that now, attempt to uncover what I like about myself. I'm not going to worry about things I dislike, those have controlled my life for far too long, and it is time for them to be put in the background for a period of time and seek out the good, the extraordinary, the silly, the fun, the things about myself that I, myself, like. True happiness can't be found without acknowledging, and liking, the unique characteristics that make me who I am today.

This has proven a challenging task and has taken many days to ponder, but for me to move forward with my life it is something I feel, for me, needs to be done. So let's jump in and see if I can find, and rub the dirt off of, some of those buried treasures.

The first thing that comes to mind is that I'm not afraid to stand up for myself any longer. I used to pretend I wasn't afraid to, but I was always. I do fight for what I believe to be right, and I do analyze situations now and pick and choose which to fight and which to let go. I have quite a few things I'm in the process of releasing presently.

I am very much a people person, in a sense. I say "in a sense" because even though I love people, being social, and the energy the laughter of a group brings, in reality people scare me for reasons far too emotional to go into now and that's not the point of this post anyway. Good things Teri, good things.

I love that I have my father's sense of humor. I can be very funny at times, I think so anyway which is all that really matters. I also have his intelligence, his sense of "WTF let's do it," and his heart for his passions.

I'm adventurous, I love new things, people, and places. I also love being home, in bed when it's cold and rainy, covered with blankets and watching reruns of "The Sopranos," eating popcorn and chocolate covered raisins.

I like that I can cook very well, although I don't cook nearly as often as I did when the children were home, I can cook, and bake, with the best of them.

I've come to realize that I am genuinely a good person. I want the best for those I love, whether I'm in the picture or not, I truly want them to be happy in all of their endeavors.

A new thing, in recent years, is that I've learned when to throw in the towel, when to say "enough is enough," and move forward. I don't want negativity in my life, if someone brings it into my space bubble I have the power to say "hasta la vista muchacho."

I've come to respect, and value, who I am, and I'm no longer willing to compromise my standards. I'm willing to work hard on myself to become the best I can be. I know I'll always fall short, but I'll never say, "I'm not willing to work on that." I'm eager to examine myself, and my actions, and face them head on, change what needs to be changed, apologize when I need to, to be humble, and to try to listen to understand and not to reply.  I don't want to be tormented and I am more than willing to do the hard, scary, work on myself to be the very best I can be, the woman God intended for me to be.

That's enough adulting for today. I think tomorrow, after a few errands, I want to lie by the river on a blanket with my puppies, look into the blue Oregon sky, and watch whatever clouds that may float by shape shift into something magnificent.

As for now I think I'll grab my blankie, some colored markers, and decorate my iPad cover, and possibly find those hidden chocolate covered raisins.

Until we meet again,

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Kaleidoscope Mind

With each movement, each head turn, each tear that fell, it was if my world had evolved into a continually rotating kaleidoscope of shapes, colors, and sounds. From each side more fragmented pieces appeared and escape did not seem possible.

That which seemed real was not. The never ending bombardment of every imaginable shifting thought pushed me further into the spiraling technicolor tube of terror. I could feel the motion of the sea with each torturous turn.

My head was left spinning, not one cohesive thought could be formed. Each twist of the plot was more devastating than the previous. My eyes stung, and my head pounded, from the rivers that fell freely drenching my skin, my clothing, my sheets.

As evening crept upon me the tormenting events had not ceased and I saw only one way to clear my mind, shake out the poison, and once more see rationally, and that was on my motorcycle.

The weather was perfect. The sun had not yet set, the air was warm, and the bike would take every shred of concentration, and that, I hoped, would quell the sounds, the colors, and the shocks, of the days developments.

I exchanged my faded cut off shorts for a pair of riding jeans, pulled on socks and my boots, gathered my blonde locks into several hair ties, and headed to the garage to begin what I hoped would be a journey that would bring clarity.

As soon as I started the magnificent machine to warm up as I continued readying for the ride I felt the clutter start to settle. I zipped my fringed chaps, put on my helmet, gloves, and riding glasses. With each item I gained more mental courage.

I felt my chest heave with the deep breath I took as I swung my leg over the saddle and when I stood up the bike, put it in gear, and rolled on the throttle, even more fell into place.

I was at home, I was at peace, and my spirit was ready to soar. As I wove my way through the gorgeous Oregon countryside every thought was pushed aside except for those of the beauty of the State in which I reside and how blessed I was to be able to see the amazing handy work of my Creator.

I didn't rush through the ride. I took my time taking in as much as my mind could hold, the horses grazing, the rolling pastures, the peaked mountains, and the acres, and acres, of vineyards. Around each corner was something new to behold, and one more thing to push the chaos of the day from my being.

I was one with my bike, one with the road, and found peace within myself. The heaviness of the world had lifted and been replaced with gratitude and thankfulness. I stopped by a quaint little sidewalk cafe and had the most delicious dish of paella along with a simple glass of water. I chuckled as I listened to the conversations of those around me, and shook my head at the pretentious group to my right.

I was going to make it. It amazes me I  have a passion that has the ability to alter perceptions, feelings, and thoughts, for the better and allow a respite from the never ending conflicts, and complications that life can throw out of the blue.

For several hours I was allowed freedom of serious thought, and it was in that time I realized adulthood is just not something in which I always want to partake.

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I Said It Would Never Happen

Even though thoughts of this have been running through my head for some time now I would continually shake them off thinking there was no way I would ever go through this again.

Well I was wrong thanks to a friend of mine that just got two gorgeous German Shepherd puppies. Thanks. A. Lot. Bruce.

I liked having little dogs, but in reality I needed a larger dog for protection. Never, ever, have I considered a German Shepherd, One look at the two remaining pups and my life flashed in front of my eyes and I knew I wasn't going home without a few bite marks, scratches from baby claws, a huge 8 week old puppy, and an even bigger smile.

Meet Karma

Oh my gosh she has this girl hopping! She's been home now for 3.5 days and we've been pretty busy keeping her busy, and out of trouble.

Starting crate training is a pain in the ass, especially with a puppy whose bark is bigger than a semi truck, and whose puppy dog eyes are sadder than sad, but we're sticking to it.

Karma's a smart little (big) pup. She knows several commands so far, is doing great with leash training and house breaking, and is doing an incredible job of burning my calories. I'm trying to see the equality of this, nearly 20 pound, puppy growing larger, stronger, and heavier, while at the same time forcing me to consume calories I don't have to consume. Well at least I'll be getting more cardio.

We've began socializing her by multiple daily walks, meeting lots of people, and tonight we walked NW 23rd and she sat by my feet, as quiet as a mouse, as we dined at Papa Haydn's outdoor patio. She was captivated by the eclectic atmosphere of the area. She was taking it all in and it was amusing to watch her attempts to figure out all of the "Keeping Portland Weird" people and activities.

So far Miss Karma loves the scrubbies from my shower, she loves the shower period. She loves to try to play with the other dogs, chew on their beds and shake them wildly with her head while holding them tightly in her razor sharp teeth. She's learning that it's not so cool to sneak up on an old, deaf, Maltese, or to jump at a sometimes surly Shih Tzu, and I have a feeling she thinks the Yorkie is a squeaky toy.

She's the sweetest little thing and I'm certain she's going to be the perfect service/companion/guard dog. She's certainly captured my heart. Then when a friend on Facebook saw my news about Karma he ended up getting the one remaining litter mate. I'm thinking we need to arrange sibling play dates.

Here's to a new chapter!

 xoxo

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