The Doe

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It was from behind a fluttering veil of brightly colored fall leaves, and cedar scented needles, the trembling doe peered. She stood as still as the stones on which her cloven hooves were planted.

When the crisp fall breeze wafted, the leaves fell, and danced, allowing her large brown eyes, fringed with black, to catch glimpses of obstacles strewn before her.

Some she recognized, and a soft voice reminded her of their danger, and the destruction, which had once engulfed her. Instinctively she stepped back in the hopes any possible damage could be avoided.

She also saw elements that caught her interest. They stood apart from the others, much like shimmering stars against a black velvet sky. Some were small, but as she surveyed the horizon, through openings in the colorful curtain covering her, she saw one whose sparkle seized her interest.  It was then she wondered if she was strong enough to lower the invisible wall that had held her heart captive for far too long.

She knew there were beautiful paths beyond the brush in which she was hidden.  Perhaps the radiance of the one that seemed to be calling her to follow was safe. However, the trail that led her to where she now stood had been a mirage, which disappeared, taking her soul with it. She knew, with out doubt, she could not again travel a path sprinkled with fools’ gold, only to fall, once more, from an unseen cliff. 

There was a scrap of spirit within her that longed to follow, even though she stood gripped with fear.  The inner voice, that had reminded her of dangers past, whispered yet again. It told her she could take small steps, and at first remove one brick, if safe, more could follow. 

She was afraid to remove that first brick lest the remaining ones tumble around her, leaving her bare and vulnerable, again, to become nothing more than a trophy for a hunter in disguise.

With her remaining strength, she ventured from the darkened shroud, and followed the path, lit with what appeared as bright rays from the Heavens. She nudged the heaviest brick, the one that held the wall in place, and hoped soon she would feel safe enough to move it entirely, allowing her the freedom to remove those that remained.

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The Bipolar Diva: New Sensation

The Bipolar Diva: New Sensation: She shut off the water of the hot, steamy shower she had taken, not only to cleanse her body, but to also aid in rid...

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New Sensation

She shut off the water of the hot, steamy shower she had taken, not only to cleanse her body, but to also aid in ridding her soul, from layers of toxic threads that had slowly entrapped her.

In her hands she gathered her blonde hair and began to squeeze from it what she could of the remaining water she had immersed herself in.

She watched as the droplets that fell, formed streams that traced her bare body, as Newton’s Law prevailed. She imagined, willed, them to envelope, and carry with them, poisonous particles that had pierced, and bound, her spirit from wounds both past and present.

She stepped from the calming atmosphere she had luxuriated in, grabbed a thick, white, cotton, towel to wrap her still dripping hair, and another to dry the shell that embodied her essence.

As she filled her hands with her trademark scented lotion, she carefully studied the symbols on her body of broken chains. Symbols that had been permanently injected into her soft, ivory, skin. To her they not only represented the opening of a locked door, but also the key to a life yet to be explored. 

The air was heavy with steam as she cracked the door to allow a fresh breeze to fill her lungs. She removed the saturated towel from her hair, shook her head, allowing her long, blonde, tresses to fall to her waist, and cover much of her torso.

When the fog had been carried away with the light breeze, she stepped to the mirror. She gazed at the same face, partially covered with wefts of wavy, wet, hair, she had seen every day for decades, but this time noticed something different. 

There was a glimmer, a sparkle, in her auburn eyes, and a new sensation of inner growth, and within it she saw her true self. Although fearful of what was to come in much of her new life, she was certain, and committed, in other areas.

She stood there, as bare as her new-found existence, and felt the confines of the silken threads, in which she had been bound, begin to dissolve. With that she sensed, and embraced, the colorful wings she had always carried, but had never been allowed to fully open, emerging.  

Although fear’s talons still gripped her, she felt a confidence never before felt, and realized within herself she did have the capability to truly be happy. 

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Carefully Crafted

For months now I have been advised to censor, and carefully craft, my writings.

Tonight, however, thoughts spilling from my mind shall be written and, with luck, cathartic.

Fifty two years of audio is trampling through my throbbing temples, and tears flow in the attempt to reform negative, and controlling, rhetoric into positive affirmations.

I feel divided, my inner most core tells me one thing, my mind and heart another.

How can I explain to others in a way they can understand, when I, myself, didn't know what was happening for what seemed a lifetime, was a lifetime?

Over the last few years of soul searching I thought I knew what I was running from, running to.

People through those years witnessed, and were very aware, of the situation I was facing, and why I ran. I thought I knew and repeatedly refused to listen to their words of knowledge.

They all tried to coax me to see the reality of the place, so dark, in which I had lived. I rebutted their wisdom, and ran with what I thought to be the truth.

Finally, this summer, the words they had spoken, time after time, were illuminated, and my eyes, my heart, were opened, and to myself I admitted the unthinkable.

I was surprised each, and every, time person after person approached me with the same words that others before had desperately tried to get me to embrace.

It was then I realized, I wasn't running from me, but from something entirely different. It was then my spirit lightened, and felt it could fly free. Everything made sense.

It was then I felt as though I could breathe, and be myself.

Unfortunately decades of indoctrination are difficult to throw away, even though I now admit what others had seen is true, the effects of a lifetime come in waves.

A rock had been thrown into the pond, everyone wanted to see as still, causing the water to ripple, it will take time for those effects to slow, and for the water to once again calm.

Most days I'm able to cope, to see the brightness that lies ahead, other days, like now, the shades are once again drawn, as words of unworthiness, and flashes of bruises, replay in my mind, and make me doubt the reasons for my existence.

One thing I have learned, that I've always known, is that I have a spirit that is tenacious, and a will that can overcome the darkness of the past.

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Stars

The night was so dark, cold, and isolating.

She longed for the shivering to end, and numbness slowly set in.

Over the years only a handful knew the depth of her pain and understood her desire to flee. 

Still entrapped by the talons that brought the isolation, she had grown used to the emptiness that had taken over.

It took years for the time to come when she was able to make the initial step of taking the night and embracing it.

She surrounded her soul with its solitude and blackness.

It was then she found the isolation was warm, much like the softness of velvet, and the petals of a black rose.  

Once she was enveloped by the cozy feeling of isolation, wrapped, and comforted, she turned and saw stars shining brightly; stars that would light her path. 

It was to those shimmering beams, and the hope they brought, she was drawn.

The twinkling lights in the night, that she followed, slowly turned night into the dawn of a new day.

Her stagnant, and mildewed existence, was replaced by a fresh breeze and the brightness of her future to which the stars were calling her to.

Though she is still in the process of clipping the grip of talons that held her spirit captive for so long, she knows a bright, new, world awaits, and the tight petals of the black rose will open into beautiful colors long since extinct.

xoxo,

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Ain't No Grave

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Beneath The Cat

Beneath a stuffed cat, in a box tucked out of sight, I caught a glimpse of neatly folded, thin, yellowed paper. I held my breath as memories of years before came rushing forth.

Few would recognize what the crisply wrapped, filmy paper enveloped; however, I instantly knew its contents.

Its prisoner once held the power to transmit my emotional pain into an ethereal peace that cannot be described by written word, only felt by the souls, and the spirits, of those that share the knowledge of its transcending powers.

In my mind I was able to clearly visualize the sharpened edges, to feel the cold steal against my skin, and to remember my resolve to overcome the torment the blade represented. 

There was a time when I allowed free flowing, ruby colored, ribbons to run haphazardly down my arm. I vividly remembered how observing their individual paths flooded my mind with tranquility, and allowed my focus to shift, granting the emotional torment to dull for a time, enabling me to re-charge for the next inevitable storm.

Carefully, slowly, I picked up the stuffed feline. I saw dozens more of the razor containing envelopes. I had stored them to aid in the release from the mental pain I knew would soon come, in actuality, it never left.

I removed the contents of the box, all but the objects of my memories. I stood, cardboard box in hand, and determinedly walked to the garbage can.

I watched as the symbols, of what had once held me captive, slowly tumbled into the container. As each one fell into the abyss, I felt pieces of my once tattered soul return. The instant they had all been discarded,  I knew I would once again become whole.

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Dear John

Dear John,

I love you. You've brought so much laughter and joy into my life since I met you. I hate to see you go, but the opportunity is too great for you to pass up.

Last night I went to the Goodbye Party for a member of our cast, John.

John's not only a member of the cast for our upcoming series, (that may, or may not, have something to do with a Biker Diva, Harleys, people, and journeys of many types) but he's also a dear friend.

I love getting texts from him. They always start out with, "Hey Blondie!!" I've never seen him any way but happy and smiling.

Last night was bittersweet. Knowing he's moving so far away is not something I like much, but I know we'll always be friends, and we will see him again. His happiness is the most important thing to me. No matter where life may lead him, he'll always be a part of our team.

Here's a bit of the fun with all the gang last night.

Ran into Brad, one of the guys that sold me my first Harley

Intense interrogation!

Lunch after our first shoot

I'll miss you John!

xoxo

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The Bipolar Diva: The Prayer Brought To Life

The Bipolar Diva: The Prayer Brought To Life: I find it comforting, although through torrents of tears, how people that have made the choice to see through veiled eyes, that have yelled,...

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The Prayer Brought To Life

I find it comforting, although through torrents of tears, how people that have made the choice to see through veiled eyes, that have yelled, screamed, and have believed many falsehoods, still find a way to attempt to to quench the never ending aching void in their hearts.

They watch my moves. Are they searching, reading, because their hearts know the reality of situations and they, themselves, feel the burning flames of unconditional love neither they, nor I, can deny?

I realize the anguish, and tears, flow freely on both ends of the spectrum. I cry, they cry, especially the hearts of those so small, understanding is beyond them at present.

It's also reassuring, and warming, to know they care enough to read, to watch, to know in their hearts, as I do in mine, the love between a mother and a child, and her children, will never die.

My part is to step back and wait. It's hard, but is the only way to make the day, the hour, the minute, knowing, they will, one day return to the unconditional love that cannot be broken between the mother and the child she carried for nine months, fought for, fought with, cried for, prayed for, and lived for.

I was thinking last night, tears flowing freely, and without cease, of gifts, acknowledgements of love from afar, that have no place to be sent, no address, no numbers, where my adoration, my never ending devotion, can be received, and realized in a tangible way.

Know, the answer to my deepest prayers, never a day goes by without you, and the small ones, in my mind, my heart, and my spirit. How can it? Your pictures surround me. My blood runs through your veins, and your love, confusion, and heartache, through mine.

I love you my child, my Princess, and those surrounding you. Our hearts are intertwined, and will be throughout eternity, of that I am certain, as are you. I know you cry, as do I, and how I wish I was there to hold you tightly, and wipe the tears from your beautiful green eyes, and the small eyes of those caught in a tornado.

Right now, a trip to Papa Hadyn's and a day watching movies in mommy's bed would be a dream come true. 

Unconditionally, forever and always,

Your Mom, your friend, and the piece of your heart neither you, nor I, can ignore.

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Good To Be Out!

It's been a long few months, trying to get work going, lots of thinking, and alone time, lots of a lot of things.

I was invited to go to a couple of events today and just didn't have the energy, but when The Enforcer texts and says, "answer your phone," I do and there were a ton of people yelling, "WHERE ARE YOU?" I had no choice.

I threw on some clothes, ran a brush through my hair, and did as asked, well as demanded....I jumped in the car and took off.

I'm so glad I did. I needed a night out with old friends, laughter, nothing heavy to think about, just eat, talk, and laugh. There were a lot of people I knew, a lot I didn't, and many I hadn't seen in a very long time.

Yes, The Enforcer knew what I needed, I'm not sure how he always seems to know things like that, but he does.

I fight him usually, he calls me Boss, but I think it's the other way around?

All around, a wonderful night with friends.

The Enforcer

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Emotions, Excitement, and Exhaustion

With some personal turmoil, the last year or so, I feel that I'm being pulled in so many ways, down so many paths, all to try to survive, to make a living, to enjoy life.

Work has been so much fun, and this new project will be so very exciting, but it takes much energy, and there is no pay, yet. We're hoping for a great payout, but right now it's a crap shoot.

I do have some back up plans, one of which has already started, but then again, all the work to get it going, and no pay yet, is exhausting.

Then, there is a third, that I'm working on. I'm working for free now, to gain a resume, so I can dazzle those that delegate. 

None of the projects I can speak of in detail of yet, but I dream of the day I can.

My life is upside down, in one way, and on the fast track, in another way. There is no down time, no time to chill, to do nothing, and that is something I need right now.

I'm moving again, and packing has commenced. That, too, is kicking my butt. What do I take, what do I store?

Some of the items I was looking at were my grandmother's diamond encrusted watch, her jewelry, and my mother's wedding ring, her jewelry, and even my own. Those, to me, are the most important things, the most valued items, I have.

I cannot wait until the day I can give my granddaughter my mother's wedding ring, put it on her finger, and watch her eyes sparkle. It got me to thinking that I need to ensure those items go to her at the right time. When she's 18? 21? Or when she gets married? I know the time will present itself when it's right.

I look around my apartment, and there aren't many things here to pack really, but what to do with it all, where to put it, is always on my mind.

I was in a production meeting today, and so many things were decided. Then the door was shut, and advice given, good advice, and reassurance. But bottom line, we have a plan, dates scheduled, and it's all coming together!

It's been nearly a year in the working, and to see it come together is exciting. It has been a hurry up and wait thing, but we're in the final stages. A few things happened that changed our course, but I think it's for the better. It's exciting, scary, and I'm so ready to get to the finish line!

So much is happening, none of which I can really write about, yet, and not having the outlet of writing has been difficult. But with my personal life upside down, my possible careers exciting, and the future uncertain, I'm still making it, one step at a time.

I'm holding my head up, I refuse to speak with drama, or write libelous pieces. It's unfortunate that there are those that seem to froth at the mouth, for bits of gossip to turn into mountains of things so far from the truth, that they are alien, and so far from reality it's crazy. I refuse to do that.

I'm beginning to become surrounded by friends, real friends, that are emotionally supporting me right now. The true colors of people come out when there is difficulty, some put on blinders, and are so easily swayed by their ignorance, and others are non biased, and there to help.

I think I see a rainbow, a real rainbow.

Lovingly,

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The Un-Diva Biker Diva

Just a few, well, a lot, of pics of my non Biker Diva side!

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