Something's Up

Something’s up. I’m not sure what it is. It’s not like I don’t have choices to pick from. Bipolar is what others usually blame my moodiness on. This is more, I know it, I feel it. It really pisses me of when some blame my every emotion on bipolar.

It could be from being so freaking tired from riding for six days. Could be the kids, probably not them. Then there’s the fact that we’re reeling from not being paid a significant amount of money from work completed months ago. We don’t get paid, our employees, our subs, our suppliers don’t get paid and we scramble. The stress level is unbelievable.

Maybe it’s all of the above. I feel the restlessness, the distraction and withdrawing coming on. That’s always a barrel of fun. No one seems to get it. The more I need to be alone, the more people smother me. The more people smother me the more I pull away. It’s a vicious cycle. Once it begins it’s so damned difficult to get out of. It’s like quicksand of the soul.

I can feel myself beginning to shut down. That’s always a scary feeling, or it was before. I never knew what was going to happen or how far the spiral would descend. It’s much more controlled now. There are still spirals, just no where near as deep or dark as in the past.

The difference in this time and ones prior is that now I can tell myself that this is temporary, I may not feel it, I may not believe it, but I can tell myself that now. The problem is that I don’t want to tell myself that it’s temporary. I tend to want to roll with it.

The walk into the woods is always easier than the walk out.