BLEEP BLEEP-IT!

It was one of those days that I seemed to have a spurt of very un-diva like behavior. I had worked in the yard for hours and cut down all of the plants that had gotten out of control. I had most of the huge yard done and then it happened.

I was cutting back this huge lavender plant when the hedge clippers went dead. Holy, freaking crap. I knew what it was before I put the trimmers down; I had cut the extension cord in half with the trimmers. I was going to die a long and painful death at the hands of my husband and a half of an extension cord.


That experience reminded me of another one several years earlier. When we built this house we only had 5 kids, but had enough foresight to install two dishwashers in the main kitchen. They worked well for years before being beaten to death by many gorilla-like, door slamming, plate smashing kids.

I went to the appliance store and purchased two very expensive, high-end dishwashers figuring that the more money I spent, the more weeks I would gain in the long run, yes weeks not years.

The dishwashers arrived and the plumber was backed up for weeks. I couldn't wait. Lots of kids with no dishwasher doesn't work, and I DON'T do dishes. Over the years I've repaired electrical problems, installed disposals, wired for electrical switches, and repaired the garage door openers, so I figured I could handle installing a dishwasher or two.

I helped the kids bring the first of the dishwashers upstairs and removed it from it's carton. I disconnected the first dishwasher, well mostly. We got to the water line and I asked one of my, to remain nameless, sons to turn off the water line that was located under the sink. That's where I made my first crucial mistake, I forgot to tell him there were two cut off switches, one for the inside water and the other for the outside deck water line. Yeah, you guessed it, he turned off the wrong line.

Just as I turned the wrench to disconnect the line water began to spray everywhere. The water line was hissing and dancing like a cobra being mesmerized by it's handler, except this was more dangerous than the cobra.

As I tried to catch the jumping water line I screamed to Cole, whoops I guess I did name him, to turn off the right line. He couldn't find it. I was trying to crimp the line and it wouldn't happen. Then I was tried to hold my finger over the end of the line that was spraying water at 80 psi. Not sure if you've ever tried that, but it doesn't work.

I screamed for someone to go turn off the water line out in the front yard, not remembering that one was only for the sprinkler system and the whole shut-off was downstairs, under the house. There was no EFFIN way I was calling Jeff, he wouldn't know that gallons of water were spraying under our beautiful hardwood floor.

"Cole, go get the BLEEPING neighbor!", "Karli, Michael and Nikki, get some GD BLEEPING towels!" and then I had to admit defeat and told Joshua to "BLEEPING call his BLEEPING father" and ask where the GD water line was.

The one I needed was under the sink, 18 inches from me. It was behind a bottle of Cascade detergent. Finally Karli, or someone, turned off the water. I was drenched, my hair looked like a wet llama and my makeup was running down my face. I turned to see my kids wide eyed, open mouthed and trying not to laugh.

Their composure didn't last long. They began to howl like rabid hyenas. I could have shot everyone of them on the spot before I began to laugh as well. Cole was laughing harder than I had ever seen him.

"Mom, we should have had this on video, except they couldn't air it on TV. It was "Cole BLEEPING get the BLEEP BLEEP water turned BLEEPING off. BLEEP BLEEP-it. Karli get the BLEEPING towels BLEEPING up here BLEEPING now. BLEEEEEEP, BLEEPING BLEEEEEEEEP!! You BLEEPING kids better not BLEEPING tell your BLEEPING father BLEEP BLEEP-it!"

Ok, so I learned my lesson, directions don't tell you everything and always call someone that knows better. Or better yet, suck it up, bribe the kids to keep their mouths shut or pay the plumber overtime to get him in sooner.