Automobile Munchausen By Proxy Loon

Oh what to write when you have nothing to write about, nothing of inspiration, no get up and go. So I’m sitting here in Starbucks waiting to go to the gym at the right time so I can get out of the gym in time to make it to my dentist appointment. Poor dentist. Whatever. For the price dentists charge this one can put up with a sweaty Diva for an hour or so.

While I’m sitting here I glanced out and saw the key mark. Oh, I didn’t tell you about the key mark? I came out of a restaurant the other night and the first thing I saw on my Mercedes was a HUGE, DEEP, KEY MARK on the rear passenger side quarter panel.

My car WITHOUT the freaking keying!

My first thought was to grab the security tapes, track down the little shits and beat them to death with a tire iron. On second thought I decided death by keying would be more appropriate.

I’m pretty sure I know who did it. There’s this band of roving punk-ass kids that have been running all over our little town causing mischief of all sorts, including bullying my son. I’d love to get my hands around the necks of the little thugs, as I’m sure my neighbors would.

Anyway, back to the keying. I called my insurance company, got the car in for an estimate, it’s nearly $1000! I went to arrange for a rental. That was when my insurance agent informed me that I don’t have rental coverage in my policy. They thought since I have so many cars I didn’t need it.

I then go over the list of cars in my ownership. There’s the 67 Ford truck, uh, no way.

There’s the 93 Honda, the kid learning car...not gonna do it.

There’s the 2000 F350. Right, as if.

There’s the 04 Toyota Tundra that was my Dad’s. I’d drive that because it reminds me of time with my Dad but my son needs it for school and work.

Then there’s the Landrover. Yes, the Landrover will work.

It was then I remembered that the Landrover is in the Landrover Hospital, along with all the other Landrovers the country over. Here’s a little tip for any of you that may be planning on buying a Landrover...SELL IT BEFORE THE WARRANTY RUNS OUT!

The Landrover is my car and it’s what I drove before I got the Jaguar which I got rid of before the warranty was up. I learned my lesson on British cars. I drove the Jag for a year before trading it for the Mercedes.

I love the Landrover. It’s an awesome car, well, when it’s running.

I just called the car hospital and they can’t get it to malfunction and they’ve had it for over a week! It’s just like a freaking kid that’s all sick and pukey before you take them to the pediatrician. Then as soon as you walk through the doctor’s door the kid is suddenly better, running around singing and the pediatrician looks at you like you’re a Munchausen by proxy loon.

I’m sure the mechanic is thinking I’m an automobile Munchausen by proxy loon. This is the fourth time I’ve had the car in for the same thing and they can’t reproduce the problem. Then, get this, he actually suggested I get a jump box to carry in the back of the car in case it dies again!

Doesn’t he realize that Divas, especially this one isn’t going to be stuck at Nordstrom jumping a dead Landrover? Not happening. Who does he think I am? After all I’m a Happy Valley Mom damn it! And renting a car, an ordinary car, without the integrated car phone, the heated and A/C leather seats and the wood grain steering wheel is NOT happening!

So I’m stuck, looking at the freaking, huge key mark in my car while waiting for the Landrover to be diagnosed. I think I’ll be waiting a long time.