Oncologist, Hematoligist, Crapologist

Today was the day I have waited for. It was my appointment with the oncologist and the hematologist. I was promised answers.

As usual, the nurse was the first to grace me with her presence. She mostly rattled off facts I already knew.

Nurse: "You're exactly six feet tall."

My thought: "Well no shit!" But I just looked at her wondering if she actually thought I'd gone 48 years without realizing this little tid-bit.

Nurse: "Oh my, you've lost nearly 40 pounds!"

My thought "Well at least you passed math."

Nurse: "Wow, has your blood pressure always been this low?"

Me (speaking now): "Well, why don't you clue me in to what it is and I'll tell you."

Nurse: "92/68"

Me: "Yep, that would be correct."

Nurse: "You have a fever. Did you just drink coffee?"

My thought: "Uh, the thermometer was in my EAR!"

Now I'm looking around for diplomas, certificates, anything to see where in the hell these people went to school. No diplomas, no certificates, no Kracker Jack prizes. Everywhere I looked there were cancer posters, bald, smiling people and lots of pictures of their new cancer clinic.

I began to feel that faint flutter, the one I get before a panic attack. I had Ativan with me, but they were about to take my blood. So much for that idea.

Next up was the nurse practitioner. I'm still not really sure why she was there. Double billing my insurance perhaps? She did exactly the same thing as the nurse. This appointment wasn't looking great.

She leaves promising to fetch the doctor and be right in. A little over an hour later this teenager walks through the door and introduces herself as the doctor. I am SO not believing this crap! First I had to get up at freaking FIVE in the morning to sit on a HARD mall floor to wait for a new iPhone 4. Wouldn't have been so bad if the freaking thing had actually worked properly! The barista burned the milk in my latte today, and now this! Doogie Howser-ette is my oncologist!

Then I was surprised. She took a seat right next to me and went over every single finding on each of my lab reports. She explained what they meant and what they didn't mean.

Drum roll please (blogger REALLY needs to have an easy way to add sound effects!)...............

Just by examining the labs she feels that there "appears" to be no cancer! Just when I was about to get excited she tells me that they have no idea what they're dealing with. We did, however, pretty much rule out lupus, aplastic anemia and most probably leukemia. She needed to draw more blood and examine the cells.

Nurse comes back in and draws blood. I wait five more minutes and the doctor returns. She wasn't looking as pleased and confident as she had when she left.
"It seems that your white blood cell count is the lowest yet. I need to speak with your other doctors as soon as possible."

She rattled off a few possibilities, none of which I can even remember.

Great. This day is looking better than ever......HA!

Ok, so now for some of the great things today:

• Anna-Grace sat on my bed feeding me almonds as quickly as she could stuff them into my mouth.
• Cole showed up for a surprise visit.
• Gucci Mama made me laugh A LOT today!
• I found this really cool app for my iPhone that will unlock my Mercedes and will even find it if I happen to blondly lose it in the parking lot!
• I saw the doctor flinch just a little when she saw the fairy tattoo on the front of my hip as she examined my stomach....that's always good for a chuckle.

That's all I have for today.