I'm Not Sure What to Do

I'm not really sure where to begin tonight. I can't get my thoughts together, they're melding into one big confusing mess. I am sure that this post will probably be one big, long ramble.

Generally I have an answer, a solution for everything with our kids. I mean, we've been through this 11 times and that doesn't even begin to cover the foster kids.

I've talked to more doctors, specialists, police officers, blah, blah, blah..... than I can count. I think about the situation, get input, make a decision and it's usually solved.

Our 17 yr old son with autism throws me for a loop every single time. Usually he's happy, smiling and full of chatter. This afternoon Jeff and I came home, I went in the house to get ready for a party that we had tonight.

I got in the shower, Jeff didn't show up, I dried my hair, got dressed and Jeff didn't show. I went downstairs into the garage and Jeff was sitting side saddle on his motorcycle. He was facing me as I opened the door. The look on his face was stern but concerned, exasperated, but loving and it also told me to go away.

Me being me, I didn't leave. I walked around so I could see Joshua. Joshua was standing with his arms crossed and his back to me. He didn't turn and look as I walked out into the garage. Something was up. My first thought was that Joshua had done something dumb and was getting a talking to from dad.

I decided to let them finish and went back upstairs to ask the other kids if they knew what was going on.

They freaked on me. All four of them were trying to talk at once. I was being hit by screeching voices coming from all directions.

"OK, ONE at a time!"

Nikki spoke first "You're going to have to get the whole story from Jakob and Jeremiah. All I know was that when I got home the they were running out of the house and Joshua was chasing them yelling."

Jakob chimed in "Jeremiah and I were tickling each other and I grabbed Jeremiah's leg above his knee. Joshua thought I grabbed him somewhere else and he freaked out on me calling me all sorts of names." Jakob proceeded to tell me the names and Joshua, of anyone, shouldn't have been throwing around those names.

About the time Jakob ran out of breath Jeremiah picked up the tale. "Joshua pinned Jakob into the couch, got into his face and was calling him all kinds of bad words and telling him to get out of the house."

Ok. I'm pissed now. Joshua has done this before and I, as well as everyone else, was sick of it.

There was a lot more to it that I just can't go into here. I turned and went back to the garage. Jeff was still talking, Joshua was crying. I asked Jeff if Joshua had mentioned the "problem" in the house.

"No, he didn't say anything about anything happening."

"Well ask him about, blah, blah, blah!" with that I turned around and went back in. About that time Jeff came in. Joshua had been talking to his dad about not wanting to live. Jeff got him calmed down as usual and all was fine.

I mean, Joshua can change on a dime. The child was fine, smiling and happy. He apologized to everyone about his actions earlier and assured me that all was well. Jeff and I had a grad party to attend and we had to leave. Our two oldest, 19 and 20 were home to supervise.

We get home a couple of hours later and all seems well. Joshua was in his room singing to his iPod, some kids were playing video games, some were running around and some were pirates. Pretty typical.

I get in bed and reach for my laptop. Facebook is first on the agenda. I see Joshua's status update first. "Life is crap." Taking a deep breath I expand his comment section. He then told everyone that he wants to hang himself, that everyone hates him, that his family hates him and that there's no reason for him to continue.

Next I log onto his account to check his messages. He's sent out numerous messages stating the same things. I deleted his post and the comments.

Ok, so I know that I have a child that is autistic, but he knows, he feels, the way others feel about the way he acts. It's hard, it's been hard, on everyone.

I know that I'll watch him closely through the weekend, call his doctors on Monday and get the ball rolling. The thing I just don't know how to get through to him is that he is loved, he is special and that he has to learn to work with others. He has to accept responsibility for the way he harms other people, not just physically, but emotionally.

I don't know how to get across to him that he has to work with us. We just can't make it all come together if he's not willing to meet us part way. I don't want him to feel condemned. I don't want him to feel unwanted, but his actions push people away.

How do I get across to an autistic child that the world doesn't revolve around him, that he has to help to make things better?

I'll have a long talk with him tomorrow and let him know how much he means to us. Monday I'll make all of the calls and try to get get a plan together. I just don't know where to go from there. I don't know how to get through to him. I don't know how to help him.  One of his doctors told me that he'd never in 30 years of practice seen a child like Joshua, that he had no other ideas that he could offer. If he doesn't know, how can I?