Oncologist, Hematoligist, Crapologist

Today was the day I have waited for. It was my appointment with the oncologist and the hematologist. I was promised answers.

As usual, the nurse was the first to grace me with her presence. She mostly rattled off facts I already knew.

Nurse: "You're exactly six feet tall."

My thought: "Well no shit!" But I just looked at her wondering if she actually thought I'd gone 48 years without realizing this little tid-bit.

Nurse: "Oh my, you've lost nearly 40 pounds!"

My thought "Well at least you passed math."

Nurse: "Wow, has your blood pressure always been this low?"

Me (speaking now): "Well, why don't you clue me in to what it is and I'll tell you."

Nurse: "92/68"

Me: "Yep, that would be correct."

Nurse: "You have a fever. Did you just drink coffee?"

My thought: "Uh, the thermometer was in my EAR!"

Now I'm looking around for diplomas, certificates, anything to see where in the hell these people went to school. No diplomas, no certificates, no Kracker Jack prizes. Everywhere I looked there were cancer posters, bald, smiling people and lots of pictures of their new cancer clinic.

I began to feel that faint flutter, the one I get before a panic attack. I had Ativan with me, but they were about to take my blood. So much for that idea.

Next up was the nurse practitioner. I'm still not really sure why she was there. Double billing my insurance perhaps? She did exactly the same thing as the nurse. This appointment wasn't looking great.

She leaves promising to fetch the doctor and be right in. A little over an hour later this teenager walks through the door and introduces herself as the doctor. I am SO not believing this crap! First I had to get up at freaking FIVE in the morning to sit on a HARD mall floor to wait for a new iPhone 4. Wouldn't have been so bad if the freaking thing had actually worked properly! The barista burned the milk in my latte today, and now this! Doogie Howser-ette is my oncologist!

Then I was surprised. She took a seat right next to me and went over every single finding on each of my lab reports. She explained what they meant and what they didn't mean.

Drum roll please (blogger REALLY needs to have an easy way to add sound effects!)...............

Just by examining the labs she feels that there "appears" to be no cancer! Just when I was about to get excited she tells me that they have no idea what they're dealing with. We did, however, pretty much rule out lupus, aplastic anemia and most probably leukemia. She needed to draw more blood and examine the cells.

Nurse comes back in and draws blood. I wait five more minutes and the doctor returns. She wasn't looking as pleased and confident as she had when she left.
"It seems that your white blood cell count is the lowest yet. I need to speak with your other doctors as soon as possible."

She rattled off a few possibilities, none of which I can even remember.

Great. This day is looking better than ever......HA!

Ok, so now for some of the great things today:

• Anna-Grace sat on my bed feeding me almonds as quickly as she could stuff them into my mouth.
• Cole showed up for a surprise visit.
• Gucci Mama made me laugh A LOT today!
• I found this really cool app for my iPhone that will unlock my Mercedes and will even find it if I happen to blondly lose it in the parking lot!
• I saw the doctor flinch just a little when she saw the fairy tattoo on the front of my hip as she examined my stomach....that's always good for a chuckle.

That's all I have for today.

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I'm Cool, or I Pretend To Be On My Blog....

While I was away for a week I received FOUR blog awards! I'm totally unworthy, but me being me I will accept. I LOVE getting things! I also think these bloggers are completely awesome. So thank you!

The first two are the same and from Donda and Kimberly! It's the Versatile Blogger Award!

The rules are:

Thank the one that gave you the award.

List seven things about myself.

Pass on to ten bloggers I've recently found that I  think are fantastic.

So since I received this one twice do I need to list 14 things and pass on to twenty bloggers? I'll do it once since I don't think I can come up with 14 unknown things about myself.

1. I wear black toenail polish.

2. I love watching Tori and Dean......stop rolling your eyes! For some reason I love that show.

3. I'd love to be the mom on Weeds.

4. I'd love to be the mom on Sons Of Anarchy

5. I never drank a beer until this year.

6.I LOVE looking at George Clooney, as long as I don't have to listen to him spew his political views.

7. I believe that those that scream "tolerance" should practice what they preach.

The second (or third) is from JoJo, she rocks! It's this cool award:

These rules are:

List 3 things I love about me.

Post a picture I love.

Tag five other worthy bloggers.

Piece of cake since there is SO much to love about myself!

1. I'm laughing now because I asked my kids to tell me what I love about myself. They all hit the nail on the head when they answered in unison.  They said "your boobs." I love my boobs. I paid enough for them, I'd better love them!

2. I love that I'm not the conventional mom.

3. I love that I have my mom's hands. My grandson tells me all the time how pretty they are because they are "just like Nanny's."

Here's a picture that I love. Just a day after 2 lb Anna-Grace was born 3 months early, her "diva-ness" came out when she propped her little foot on the side of her isolette.

The last was from Dee. She's incredible! Thank you!

These rules are:

Thank the one that gave it to you.

Write my blog philosophy, motivation, experience in five words.

Pass along to 10 bloggers.

I'm giving this award to

 Kansas Sunflower

Thank you Dee!

Philosophy: All's fair game. Watch out!

Ok, so I was working on this post all day! I had the most difficult time getting links to post. My computer is acting up. It's freezing, shutting down and basically sticking its tongue out at me. I've run scans all freaking day long and it's not picking anything up. My cursor is jumping all over the place and I'm getting really frustrated! 

I have a solution though. A new computer. Yes, I'm doing it. I'm going for a Mac. Sorry about not being able to post links to my wonderful, awesome blogger friends. 

Basically, I'm gonna say that if you want one of these awards, consider it awarded! You know I would have chosen you anyway.  :)

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Vegas Vlog and Exploitation

Cut me a little slack on this vlog, ya hear? After a week in Vegas several Long Island Iced Teas were much needed. As for the kids, maybe it's the heat? I know that it can't be the parenting. Oh, and the little curly headed one, you know "The Mouth"? That would be my grandson.

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Dancing in the Streets!

Ok, so I don't have a whole lot to say tonight. I'm tired, my daughter's talking in her sleep and the "Y" chromosome people in the room are making it smell like a big freaking diaper! Hoping the ambien works quickly.

The kids are having a blast, I'm losing money and Jeff wanders the casino and pool area for four hours each morning waiting for the rest of us normal people to wake up around eight. Tomorrow we're dropping the kids at the AdventureDome and taking a few hours alone!


But here's a video of the kids dancing to the music on Fremont Street.

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Ham, Merkins, Bedazzlers and TMI

Sit down, hold on and if you’re easily offended take a hike on this one, really, I mean it. I try to keep things somewhat tame on here because of the grand kids, some family and a few others that I really don’t want to offend. But you know what? After the day I had (I’ll get to that in a minute) I needed a laugh and my family certainly provided it.


So the first the day:

Had to pack for vacation. No, I didn’t do a freaking thing all week even though I’ve known for months that this day was coming. My “special” son turned 17 today which means a house-load of kids, chaos, and Xanex. So here’s my day.

Coffee

Tanning

Laundry

Shopping

Chocolate covered strawberries (preparing)

Grocery shopping.

Pay business bills

Pack

Yada, yada, yada…..

Crap! It was 3:45 and I hadn’t taken a shower and everyone was going to be here at five for the party. In the shower doing all of my showerly duties I feel a lump. Shit! Freaking Shit!!! The minute I touched it I knew what it was and I totally panicked. Of all times to notice this problem, now was not one of them.

BLEEP! BLEEPING BLEEP!! I have a staph infection, MRSA to be exact. Seems the nasty little creatures have been roaming my house for six years just waiting for the right time to attack me and it’s usually right before, or during, vacation.

Now it’s 4:10. The pharmacy closes at 6; I leave at 5:30 in the morning. I have the on call doc paged. I wait and I wait. She calls, sends in a prescription and I pick it up about 5, when everyone is supposed to be here. My stress level is now in the exosphere. I still have to make dinner (sorta), do party, pack, blah, blah, blah.

“Oh wait, what was that you said dear husband? You have to leave for a while to talk business just when everyone is arriving and nothing is packed? What-the-BLEEP-ever.” My bubble thought: "What the freaking BLEEP did you do all BLEEP BLEEPING day?"

Then the fun starts with my 28 yr old un-named Karli and Michelle daughters begin slapping the other kids with ham. The next thing I know is that ham is now flying across the kitchen and dining room while kids run everywhere. I’m sitting there too tired, too stressed to do anything but shake my head. They’re laughing and talking about some “Real Housewife” show. About that time a certain grandchild Jakob decides it would be a riot to throw it at Nana.

War’s on. He saw me get up and he started to run. There was a daughter on each side of him, he couldn’t get away. I won’t tell you where I ended up placing the ham on him, but let’s just say that no one would touch the ham after that, and everyone kept asking him if he smelled bacon.

Now every child calms down and makes their sandwiches, sits at the table and the “fun” begins. Here are a few snippets of conversation from the table tonight. Like I said before, leave now if you don’t know that I have tattoos, go dancing with my older kids and have raised very open children that feel that it’s completely acceptable to talk about anything with the family. When the smack started I grabbed a pen and paper and started taking notes. These are some of the comments of the kids from 10-28:

Daughter 1: Megan Fox is HOT, but she’s such a whore

Daughter 2: She’s beautiful but a total loser.

Daughter 3: NS! Oh sorry Mom.

Grandson: You know that she’s dating a stripper named Tinkerbell (how does a ten year old know this?)

Daughter 1: She’s pretty, but she’s such a beee-oootch!

Daughter 1: You know that (insert Broken Boy’s name here) used to drink vanilla when mom and dad left? He had them convinced that he liked the taste and they believed him because they are reee-taar-ded!

Grandson: I wear studs. (WTH?)

Daughter 1: Did you see that Kathy Griffin got a Brazilian and had her va-jay-jay bedazzled?

Daughter 2: What? You mean with a real bedazzler?

Daughter 1: Mom, don’t you get those? Does dad like the landing strip or monogram?

(I’m staring not really sure what to say)

Daughter 2: Mom, are you taking notes? I feel exploited!

Grandson: The other day I walked in on my mom and she could use a wax. I thought I saw a forest. Then she told me to bring her the kitchen scissors and a comb.

I drop my head, now I’m embarrassed. My grandson not only knows his mother's "playing field" needs trimming, but he's fetching her the scissors!

Daughter 1: Well I needed a trim. You know Mom uses the peanut clippers.

Grandson: What?

Daughter 1: The clippers she uses to trim your neck.

Grandson: GROSS!

Daughter to son: What do you call that? I mean a girl’s parts?

Grandson: I call it West Virginia.

Special Son: Actually wouldn’t be more like SOUTH Virginia?

Broken Boy: laughing until he cries

Daughter 1: When I was in seventh grade in health class they made us call them “Carolina” and “Tallywhacker.” Then when they tried to describe “O’s” they compared it to a sneeze that builds and builds and then when it happens you feel better.

Daughter 2: So are you supposed to say “God Bless You” after?

Daughter 1: Mom you never answered my question.

(Mom’s not about to answer!)

Daughter 2: So Kathy Griffin really bedazzled? Like, how did she do that?

Daughter 1: Sister, do you know what a “merkin” is?

Daughter 2: A what?

Daughter 1: Mom google it.

I google and show Daughter 2 what a “Merkin” is.

Daughter 2: THAT”S disgusting…..wait is that real hair?

(Front door opens)

All kids: ssssssh! Dad’s home! SHHHH!

A hush falls upon the house. Jeff walks in, makes a sandwich and sits down at the table. The kids make small talk.

Me: Jeff, have you ever heard of a ham fight?

All kids grow pale.

Dad stares down kids and says : I’d better never see you throw food in this house!

Me: Jeff wanna know the conversation you missed?

All kids light up like Rudolph’s nose. They’re even quieter than before.

I read my notes.

Jeff: I’m not praying for any of you anymore.

“Special” Boy blows out candle on his chocolate covered strawberries then opens gifts.

Special Boy: Oh cool it’s an Army survival guide from 1970!

Broken Boy: Yeah it was that or one on hand to hand combat and I didn’t think that would be appropriate.

Special Boy: Oh this card is from Mom and Dad!

Daughter 1: Well aren’t you special!

Special boy: Yes I am, special I have autism.

Daughter 1: No, I mean Mom never does cards.

Me: Dad put it in the basket. I don’t do cards.

Daughter 1: you used to do cards before you adopted all these kids!

Special Boy: But I AM special….I have AUTISM!

Daughter 2: So back to the “merkin,” are they made of real hair?

Grandson: Why do they call it a “tallywhacker”

The Daughter 2 shows my this and asks what it was. They were stuck in the cupcakes I picked up for the party. You tell me:

After the night's conversation, it certainly doesn't appear to be just a hammer!

These are my kids, I mean are they really MY kids?

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Kids, Make Mommy a Drink!

Yeah it's been one of those days, weeks, months, blah, blah, blah....

I've been concerned about one of my sons for awhile now. He shows all of the classic symptoms of bipolar disorder:


restlessness—high energy and activity level

racing thoughts and rapid talking

decreased need for sleep

euphoria

distractibility

grandiosity—inflated self-esteem

pursuit of reckless or pleasurable activities

That's the mania part of this disorder. That's usually him.

I haven't heard from him in a few days and I began to worry. He missed several big family events without so much as a text. I talked to him today and the mom antennae sprang into action. His voice was flat, he's withdrawn from everything, sleeping all of the time, not eating, and feeling hopeless. Classic signs of the depressive side.

We've brought up the subject to him a few times and he gets extremely annoyed with us. The last time he said several things that validated my suspicions. He said he felt invincible, full of energy, restless and he needed to travel. He has a personality to die for and his charisma is his biggest downfall. Classic.

I brought up the possibility of bipolar again.

Cole: "Mother"
Me: "Cole"
Cole: Mother!"
Me: "Cole!"
Cole "MOTHER!"

He only calls me "mother" when he's agitated. Ok, I backed off but at least I said a few things to make him think, I hope.

I'm going to ask him if he'd be willing to be screened, and I'll pay, so that he can tell me "I told you so." I know there's no way he'll be able to tell me that. I know that he's affected much more with bipolar than Karli and I are combined.

That scares me. He's much more at risk than we are for self-harm and suicide. He's 25 now so I have very little influence with him and he's the type of kid that if pushed to do something digs in his heels and will not budge.

Then Karli called the pediatrician about some symptoms that Anna-Grace is showing. They want to see her ASAP. The nurse's words were "those symptoms are not those of a well child." She also said "something as serious as this" cannot be ignored. Ok, fun times.

If those lovely things weren't enough I had to do my own laundry today! Me? Laundry? I mean I'm the one that has to ask my kids how to operate the dishwasher on the rare occaisions that I actually have to turn it on. I'd rather scrub a toilet than do laundry. Oh, wait, I pay someone to do that. Never mind.

Next on the list a friend of mine, Kevin, that shall remain nameless called me old! He asked if I was having a "senior" moment! I admit to blond moments, but "senior" moments? Never!

Now I find out that there's something that I've neglected. I can't believe it. I'm not sure how it happened. I mean my kids were washing their own clothes as soon as they were able to reach the controls. They've washed dishes for years. I've taught them how to cook. I made them all sew aprons, even the boys. I've tried to make sure that they're well rounded, able to handle any situation.

When I realized  my mistake I wasn't sure how to handle it. My head was spinning and I began to feel sick. It seems that not one of them, not a single one, can make me a drink! I mean how freaking hard is it to get a glass, pour the correct amount of Tanqueray into said glass, add tonic and a twist of lime?

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Some Good, Bad, Ugly and Beautiful

Literary genius in this post? I think not. I feel like I've been gone from here forever and I have a lot to take care of before I can get with the posts of the Diva-ness of my life.

So we'll begin with some good. My son, Michael, graduated Monday night! I'm writing a post about that now. The whole thing hit me hard.  He's our first adopted child and you can read a little of that here. Stop in and read it, it's pure awesomeness!

Here's a couple of shots of us that night.

Ok, here's some more good! One of my most treasured friends has given me an "Awesome" award!

You have to check her out if you haven't already. I love The Green Eyed Momster!  To accept this award I have to list six reasons that I'm awesome.

My first question to her is "only six?"

• 
  
  I have to be awesome because I have awesome friends! Either that or they really feel sorry for me. In that case I wouldn't be awesome at all, but rather pathetic. I sure hope that's not the case....hmmmmm.
• 
  
  I've raised a herd of kids and we all are still living, meaning that I've not been featured on COPS or America's Most Wanted, yet.
• 
  
  I'm a kick-ass cook, well, when I want to be. I'm even better at reservations.
• 
  
  I have interrogation techniques that rival the best of law enforcement's interrogators. The kids will tell you that they will break, I will find out and then, well I can't tell you what happens then. I also have a fool proof way of telling if they're lying to me. Parents feel free to email me and I'll fill you in on a little tip from one of my favorite Boys in Blue (here you can read Hot Cop with the HUGE arms, oh my.)
• 
  
  I'm adventurous.
• 
  
  My Dad was proud of me when he died.

I also need to award six other awesomized (borrowing that word from an awesomized friend of mine) ones, but I'm too tired tonight to choose. I need to do that this week.

Now on to some ugly. I know I'm getting out of order, but it's my post! (foot stomping going on now!) The mustang was not won by anyone. Get this shit, the dealership "donated" the car to the school's athletic department so they could raise money. Here's the catch, they drew finalists out of a hopper. Then you had to roll dice. You'd think, ok, best roll wins right? HA! The dice had stars on all sides but one. The remaining sides had the letters G E N T R Y. You had to roll and spell the word. Odds of winning 1 in 42,000. So I think that's a bunch of crap. The dealership knew that they wouldn't be losing a thing. Scoundrels!

The bad. I got a call from one of my doctors today. I've had blood tests done five times now, once a month. My white blood cell count continues to fall. I am, though, on a medication that has a rare side effect of lowering white blood cells, but the prescribing doctor said that in all of her years of practice she's never seen it happen in a patient. NOT reassuring. She is lowering that medication beginning tomorrow and we'll test again in another month. Really hoping against odds that it's the medication. The other possibilities aren't so rosy, as a matter of fact they're all pretty grim.

Called my primary doc and pretty much freaked out on the M.A. (I wonder if that was the bipolar or the Diva in me?) I told them I want NO more "I think" or "probably" I want absolutes! They're referring me to a specialist but I can't get in there until June 29th. Meanwhile, I continue to hang in limbo.

If they give me ANY flack at all I'm calling in my favorite guys at the best biker bar in the WORLD, the Four Horse Saloon!  If you check them out go to the gallery. Yeah, I'm cool, I'm in some of the pics along with my brother, Eric, and my bestie Angela.

Now on to the beautiful. She's probably the closest person on earth to me and she's just started a blog! The Green Eyed Brat is her place and she's in a quandary and needs some advice. Tell how cool her header is too, I made it, OK, maybe I'm feeling a little insecure and just want the kudos. How about tell her if you like it or not? Also tell her that she NEEDS to put up a pic, the girl is smokin' hot! She's really cool, leave her some comments to encourage her to post more.  And so you know, my advice to her in my comment is right on target...heehee. Not sure if she's seen it and moderated it yet though.

Now to all my new followers, thank you so much and I'll get to you as soon as I can. I've been swamped with graduation, doctors and all other kinds of rather time consuming things. I also have SO much reading to do. I've missed out on everyone's blogs, not good for a blog addiction.

I take absolutely no responsibility for any misspellings, grammar errors or incomplete thoughts tonight since I took my medications before posting tonight. Oh well you all are used to that.

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Mustangs, Gin and The Devil

This will be mostly a post in pictures for two reasons. The first is that I'm incredibly tired and the second is that the Tanqueray gave me a headache.

I did it! I conquered the Devil's Tail! It was probably the most amazing ride that I've ever been on.

Along the way.

Scottie's, an official stopping point.

Some big ass rock.

Looking back at part of the Tail.

Isabella rocks!

We made it to the end of the Tail!

It was windy! It's not hair gel, my name's not Mary!

Why? Because I love my helmet!

I bought five tickets for $20 to win this Mustang. I made it into the finalists! We'll find out tomorrow, fingers crossed everyone!

Now, I'm going to try to sleep. I have a 7 hour ride tomorrow.

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Eastern Oregon Smells Like Horse....

Boy, oh boy have I learned a lot today!

He really wants to prospect for The Punisher's MC but he needs a bigger bike and maybe some leathers.

Evidently my husband doesn't wear anything under his jacket at work.

My helmet makes my cheeks look really fat.

It was freaking cold today. We had to stop to put on EVERYTHING we had!

My helmet ROCKS! You can't see them in this pic, but I have cool little crystals on it!

Eastern Oregon smells like horse shit!

And a few things pictures won't even help:

• When you leave at 5 pm, so is everyone else.
• Isabella seems to like going really fast.
• I've seen nothing but FREAKS in Hermiston, Or.
• In the entire state of Oregon there was only ONE Moon Pie to be found.
• I'd rather pee in flea infested woods than in some of the restrooms we stopped at.

And:

• Anything less than a 5 star is camping!

Hasta Manana!

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Motorcycles, Poodles and Hell

Friday morning we'll be off for the weekend to Hell's Canyon Motorcycle Rally 2010 in Eastern Oregon. I have to admit that I'm a little afraid. It's not a secret that I haven't been feeling my best these past 5 months, but that's not really what's bothering me. I'll load up on the B12 and whatever else I can to keep me going, but what scares the CRAP out of me is one of the rides that Jeff wants to go on while we're there.

It's called The Devil's Tail, not the "Tail of the Dog", not the "Kitten's Tail" oh no, it's freaking called the "DEVIL'S TAIL." One of the demonizing great descriptions I've come across says that "it makes Deal's Gap look like child's play." Yeah, yeah, I know that most of you have no idea what the heck I'm talking about, but it's some scary BLEEP.

The ride there should be beautiful and the ride back sensational, it's just the ride while we're there that has me petrified! Maybe Isabella and I will just hang around the town, meeting the vendors and seeing the sites while those more daring get intimate with the Devil's Tail.

I thought I'd show you a few pics of Isabella's transformation. Maybe looking at her baby pictures and the way she is today will make me feel a bit nostalgic and I'll be ready to ride on Friday.

Here she is fresh off of the showroom floor. That's little Jake showing her off.

First long ride before the accident.

Being taken apart after the accident. She was totaled.

Home from the painter!

I think that the pink skull is one of my favorite parts.

Nikki and I chose a huge pink poodle to take to the kids toy run. You should have seen everyone looking at two girls flying down the highway on a pink bike holding a huge pink poodle!

Now that I've looked through pictures of my baby I'm looking forward to the trip. I'll make sure I have my camera available and IF I dare see the Devil's Tail I'll get some pictures.

Alrighty then, I'm beginning to get scared all over again.........

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We Made it Through The Night

First I have to thank you all for your comments. Your words have meant so much to me.

Last night I was up a lot checking on my son. This morning he was back to his seemingly happy self, but I knew better. He'd said too much, he'd cried out too loudly,  it couldn't be ignored.

Today I called all of the kids in. We sat in a circle. Joshua was by the window sitting on the floor. The sunshine was streaming in on him making him somehow look much younger than the young man that he's become. Or maybe it allowed me to see into his broken heart, the heart of a confused child.

All of the kids know that when these meetings are called that they are serious, thought out and they  need to listen and participate. I began with questions.

• Who in this room loves Joshua? Every hand quickly went up.
• Who in this room would like Joshua to leave the family? No one moved.

I looked at Joshua. He was fighting back tears. He was open, unguarded, surprised.

• Who in this room dislikes the things that Joshua can do? Every hand went up.
• Who in this room would protect Joshua should he find himself in trouble? Again every hand went up.

We talked about Joshua's problems, his autism, his rebellion and his stubborn refusal to allow any one have an opinion. We talked about Joshua expecting the world to revolve around him. We talked about his feelings, and his fear.

Next I went around the room and had each child share their fears, their concerns, their insecurities. Joshua listened, he cried. His heart was open and with an open heart he was able to open his eyes. He was able to see that they, too, have pain. They have problems, they have doubts.

The other kids realized the depth of Joshua's pain. Yes, he's a pest, yes he's annoying, but he is hurting. He knows that he is different. He knows that people see him as different. He can't fit in, no matter how much he tries he ends up alienating people.

I wanted him to understand that we are taking his feelings seriously, that we love him, that he is a valuable member of this family, but that he needs to help us. He needs to take responsibility for his actions.

It's a hard line to walk trying to get a child, an autistic child, to realize that sometimes they are doing the same thing to others that they hate others doing to them. He needs to know he's loved, he needs to know he's part of the family, not the center of the family.

Everyone agreed to be more tolerant of Joshua. Joshua agreed to take his medication and to try to allow others to be themselves. So many times with autism there are no blurred lines, it's black or white, right or wrong. Everything is taken as a personal attack if it doesn't line up with their notion of what should be.

I hope that we made some progress today. Tomorrow I'll make calls to his doctors and his case manager. Tomorrow we'll come up with a plan. Tomorrow will be a new day.

But tonight I hang my head in shame. I have a confession to make to Allyson. It's been a stressful day and tonight I'm typing this while sitting in bed eating a Butterfinger.

 In my defense, the only reason that I'm having a Butterfinger is that Dairy Queen was closed and I couldn't get a blizzard.

Now I've had a Butterfinger, I've updated about our crisis, I've taken an ambien. I have a laptop, great internet connection and a credit card. Ambien induced shopping is the best. Until the morning when you have that vague memory of Tiffany, LV or Chanel and then it really sucks!

Thank you everyone, I love you!

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I'm Not Sure What to Do

I'm not really sure where to begin tonight. I can't get my thoughts together, they're melding into one big confusing mess. I am sure that this post will probably be one big, long ramble.

Generally I have an answer, a solution for everything with our kids. I mean, we've been through this 11 times and that doesn't even begin to cover the foster kids.

I've talked to more doctors, specialists, police officers, blah, blah, blah..... than I can count. I think about the situation, get input, make a decision and it's usually solved.

Our 17 yr old son with autism throws me for a loop every single time. Usually he's happy, smiling and full of chatter. This afternoon Jeff and I came home, I went in the house to get ready for a party that we had tonight.

I got in the shower, Jeff didn't show up, I dried my hair, got dressed and Jeff didn't show. I went downstairs into the garage and Jeff was sitting side saddle on his motorcycle. He was facing me as I opened the door. The look on his face was stern but concerned, exasperated, but loving and it also told me to go away.

Me being me, I didn't leave. I walked around so I could see Joshua. Joshua was standing with his arms crossed and his back to me. He didn't turn and look as I walked out into the garage. Something was up. My first thought was that Joshua had done something dumb and was getting a talking to from dad.

I decided to let them finish and went back upstairs to ask the other kids if they knew what was going on.

They freaked on me. All four of them were trying to talk at once. I was being hit by screeching voices coming from all directions.

"OK, ONE at a time!"

Nikki spoke first "You're going to have to get the whole story from Jakob and Jeremiah. All I know was that when I got home the they were running out of the house and Joshua was chasing them yelling."

Jakob chimed in "Jeremiah and I were tickling each other and I grabbed Jeremiah's leg above his knee. Joshua thought I grabbed him somewhere else and he freaked out on me calling me all sorts of names." Jakob proceeded to tell me the names and Joshua, of anyone, shouldn't have been throwing around those names.

About the time Jakob ran out of breath Jeremiah picked up the tale. "Joshua pinned Jakob into the couch, got into his face and was calling him all kinds of bad words and telling him to get out of the house."

Ok. I'm pissed now. Joshua has done this before and I, as well as everyone else, was sick of it.

There was a lot more to it that I just can't go into here. I turned and went back to the garage. Jeff was still talking, Joshua was crying. I asked Jeff if Joshua had mentioned the "problem" in the house.

"No, he didn't say anything about anything happening."

"Well ask him about, blah, blah, blah!" with that I turned around and went back in. About that time Jeff came in. Joshua had been talking to his dad about not wanting to live. Jeff got him calmed down as usual and all was fine.

I mean, Joshua can change on a dime. The child was fine, smiling and happy. He apologized to everyone about his actions earlier and assured me that all was well. Jeff and I had a grad party to attend and we had to leave. Our two oldest, 19 and 20 were home to supervise.

We get home a couple of hours later and all seems well. Joshua was in his room singing to his iPod, some kids were playing video games, some were running around and some were pirates. Pretty typical.

I get in bed and reach for my laptop. Facebook is first on the agenda. I see Joshua's status update first. "Life is crap." Taking a deep breath I expand his comment section. He then told everyone that he wants to hang himself, that everyone hates him, that his family hates him and that there's no reason for him to continue.

Next I log onto his account to check his messages. He's sent out numerous messages stating the same things. I deleted his post and the comments.

Ok, so I know that I have a child that is autistic, but he knows, he feels, the way others feel about the way he acts. It's hard, it's been hard, on everyone.

I know that I'll watch him closely through the weekend, call his doctors on Monday and get the ball rolling. The thing I just don't know how to get through to him is that he is loved, he is special and that he has to learn to work with others. He has to accept responsibility for the way he harms other people, not just physically, but emotionally.

I don't know how to get across to him that he has to work with us. We just can't make it all come together if he's not willing to meet us part way. I don't want him to feel condemned. I don't want him to feel unwanted, but his actions push people away.

How do I get across to an autistic child that the world doesn't revolve around him, that he has to help to make things better?

I'll have a long talk with him tomorrow and let him know how much he means to us. Monday I'll make all of the calls and try to get get a plan together. I just don't know where to go from there. I don't know how to get through to him. I don't know how to help him.  One of his doctors told me that he'd never in 30 years of practice seen a child like Joshua, that he had no other ideas that he could offer. If he doesn't know, how can I?

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