What The Heck Is It?

Well, I've done it. I cut my dosage (with doctor's approval) of Geodon in half. I'm only taking 80 mgs at night and guess what? I'm still sane, although it has only been one week. My goal is to totally get the poison out of my system and still be able to be sane enough to be granted a concealed weapons permit. After all Sandra Fluke said a girl needs protection, right?

Lately my stress level has increased greatly, but I partly attribute that to having to find a new girl to do my hair. Anything to do with my hair, my shoes or my lingerie can send me into full fledged panic attacks. I did find a girl to cut and color my hair. She did it today and I love it! She's the one! She corrected the major f^@k up created by the last colorist that left me looking like a blonde hooker.

So why am I experiencing such a high level of anxiety right now? My hair looks great, my shoes are all there, my lingerie is intact, and I got an awesome compliment today. A guy at Starbucks told me that I always manage to look great. How cool is that for a 50 year old grandmother that hasn't seen the inside of a gym in over a year?

But the anxiety and stress is still there. Not quite sure how to tackle it. I've taken an ativan and a muscle relaxer, I'm hiding in my room, but it won't leave. I feel this weight on me and I can't for the life of me figure out what it is.

There are several possibilities, however. (was there supposed to be an apostrophe before "however?")

Possibility number one. I haven't shopped for shoes or lingerie in months. Could it be withdrawl symptoms?

Possibility number two: I really don't like this time of year. I have such a big family and it's so stressful making sure everything is even. Those families with only one kid have it made!

Possibility number three: I have six, yes you read that right, six grandkids coming over to my house Saturday afternoon sans parents to spend the night . They're going to decorate the tree and do whatever small rodents, I mean children, do. Boy the Xanax will be flowing through my veins that night, and maybe a little Patron. 

Ativan hasn't relieved it. Zanaflex hasn't relieved it. The more I think about it, the more I think there's only one cure.

Oh Deanna, I think I need to rent your beach house for a weekend!



 

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The Fall

2:30 in the morning is for sleeping, not for lying awake staring at the shadows on the wall and listening to the whir of the fan. But I guess since I was asleep at 7:30 the night before it shouldn't have been too unexpected.

I tried to go back to sleep, I fought with the blankets and the pillows trying to find nirvana but it just wasn't happening. Finally about 3:30 I threw the blankets back and jumped up out of frustration. I don't do mornings, especially in the middle of the night mornings.

What in the hell was I going to do at 3:30 in the morning? I decided to get dressed and go out for breakfast. I felt around in the dark and found a pair of jeans. I pulled them on and searched for a sweatshirt. I found one, grabbed my shoes and purse and was out the door.

When I got down to the garage I noticed I'd parked a little too close to the wall. I tried to wriggle myself in between the front of the car and the wall. It was then the entire morning continued its decent into hell.

I tripped on my shoe and went flying. I tried to stop the fall to no avail. I went out and down hitting the car and my motorcycle on the way down to the concrete. I landed on the garage floor with my left knee and my left arm went straight for the motorcycle.

I couldn't move. I couldn't get up. I couldn't think of anything but the possibility of having a broken leg and a messed up motorcycle. I didn't just hit, I hit hard. It took me forever before I could get the nerve to try to get off the ground and see if I could stand.

When I did get up I was able to stand, although it was a bit difficult to do. My knee was throbbing and my arm had an incredibly sharp pain radiating through it. I thought about going to the hospital and having x-rays but hunger won out.

I hobbled to the car, fell into the driver's seat, crying all the while, and made it to Shari's for a half order of eggs benedict. What I really needed was a couple of vicodin and a bottle of Tequila.

I spent the rest of the day from hell in bed, leg elevated and iced, gobbling ibuprofen and Tylenol and trying to forget how ridiculous I must have looked flying through the air, hitting two vehicles in the process before landing in a rather un-lady like position on the cold concrete floor.

Next time I wake up in the middle of the night and can't go back to sleep I think I'll just flip on the TV. 




 

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Playing Doctor

I'm a bit worried and a bit more scared. It seems one of my medications has given me a rather unwanted side effect. It's called tardive dyskinesia and it's no fun. Mainly it involves the tightening of the tongue in my case. So I've decided only to take half my dose of Geodon, an atypical anti-psycotic, until I can see my doctor in January. I hate emailing him between visits, it makes me feel I'm taking his valuable time and I don't want to be a bother to him.

He mentioned the TD last time I was there and told me to take 100 mgs of B6 twice a day, which I've been doing, but it's not helping.

So starting tomorrow I'll only take half my regular dosage of Geodon and see if it 1) helps the TD and 2) if I remain stable on that low of a dose.

When I see him in January I'll ask him if I can stop it altogether. It only is supposed to help control my mania, but I'm on another med that does the same thing AND protects the neuro transmitters in the brain so I think I'm going to be ok.

I certainly don't want the TD to get worse, sometimes it can be permanent and I really don't want that to be the case, but I can't take this side effect. It's bothersome, tiring and a pain in the butt.

There are so many days I wish I could go back to before I was diagnosed and be on nothing but Wellbutrin, but then my mania was off the chart and my spending sprees were out of control, I was actually out of control in so many ways, that many of you know about, thanks to the symptoms of bipolar disorder II. Until I got my medications correct there were terrible misjudgments, extreme highs and extreme lows, life was scary for everyone in my family at that time.

I'm hoping the other medication, Lamictal, will be able to control my mania well enough so that I can eliminate another medication from my trove of medications.

Wish me luck, I'm winging it here!

 

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Sunday Stealing That Led To More

Yes, once again I've visited Sunday Stealing to see what they had this week. They had a meme stolen from what if this is as good as it gets? Now I have it. Sunday Stealing edited it down to a few, but being adventurously bored I stole the entire thing. So Here I go!

1. What was the last thing you put in your mouth? the black painted nail from my left index finger.

2. Where was your profile picture taken? in my bedroom

3. Can you play Guitar Hero? I freaking love that game!

4. Name someone who made you laugh today. Oh gosh, I think it was a laugh free day, we can't have that can we?

5. How late did you stay up last night and why? yesterday I woke up around 11, went back to bed at 2:30, woke up around 7:30 and back to sleep around 11. I have no idea what was up with that!

6. If you could move somewhere else, would you? I would love Santa Barbara!

7. Ever been kissed under fireworks? geeze I'm 50, I can't remember what I did yesterday much less under fireworks

8. Which of your friends lives closest to you on facebook? besides the one's in my house there's one across the street and I LOVE her!

9. Do you believe exes can be friends? I've seen it done, but personally I don't think I could, nor would I want to

10. How do you feel about Dr Pepper? I shall pass on the Dr. Pepper

11. When was the last time you cried really hard? Wow, we all know that I try not to do tears but it was a few days ago in Starbucks talking with my husband about how much I miss my mom.

12. Who was the last person you took a picture of? Oh, who the hell knows? It was Thanksgiving and lots of pics were taken

13. Was yesterday better than today? What happened yesterday? How do I answer that? Yesterday I slept the day away, meaning I had to deal with nothing. Today I was up early and had to deal with lots, so I think I would pick yesterday. 

14. Can you live a day without TV? I always have it on as background, but live without it? Yes, more than I could without the internet. 

15. Are you upset about anything? Yes. I. Am. lots of things. 

16. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it? There was a time I thought not. I thought it was a huge investment for not much gain, but I was really sick then and now I realize I look at couples that have been together for decades and I want what they have. 
 
17. Are you a bad influence? I have been without a doubt, but these days I'm only a bad influence on myself and my credit rating.

18. Night out or night in? Where are we going? 

19. What items could you not go without during the day? My laptop and my lip gloss

20. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital? The last time I visited someone in the hospital was a year ago when my grandson, Jax, was born. 

 21. What does the 20th text message in your inbox say? "I miss you too. Very much." I can't believe I actually counted that......I am bored!

22. How do you feel about your life right now? scared, excited, worried, hopeful

23. Do you hate anyone? hate? no. Intense dislike to the point of wishing that person a lifetime in prison being someone's bitch? yes. ALL child molesters should have that fate.

24. If we were to look in your Facebook inbox, what would we find? business stuff mainly

25. Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass? remind me which drugs we're testing for again? Right now there are eight bottles of pills on my nightstand.

26. Has anyone ever called you perfect before? yes...perfectly insane

27. What song is stuck in your head? nothing now, but one time on a five hour motorcycle trip "love shack" wouldn't stop playing in my mind. I hate that song now. H.A.T.E.

28. Someone knocks on your window at 2:00 a.m., who do you want it to be? if you're knocking on my window at 2AM you damn well be ready to be shot

29. Wanna have grandkids before you’re 50? I was 38 when my first grandchild was born and I was 49 when the last one was born, being a young grandmother rocks!

30. Name something you have to do tomorrow. Coffee, business, groceries, write, yell at a kid

31. Do you think too much or too little? definitely too much, but that's what Xanax is for right?

33. Do you smile a lot? Evidently yes, my husband says I'm flirty, my daughter says I'm just friendly. I think I'm just me.

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Burning

My eyes sting. They burn with an all too familiar dryness.

Dryness from the tears I refuse to let fall, tears I keep locked in a box in the corner of my heart.

They're there, just not allowed into the light of day or into the darkest of nights. 

They dare not stain the fabric of my pillow or cause make up to run down my cheek.

With tears come emotion. I've learned to keep emotion buried deeply inside for self preservation.

When the tears come, emotion floods my being, a being that cannot take on the overwhelming depth of pain, real or perceived.

Until a time comes when they can be loosed a happy face must prevail, tears must be withheld and my eyes, my eyes will continue to burn. 


 

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Stealing For Saturday

I have time to kill and I know this is supposed to be titled "Sunday Stealing" and I know it's only Saturday, but my blog, my rules. So get over it, and we'll all be much happier.

Here we go!

Have You’s and What If’s!

Welcome, to another weekend of Sunday Stealing which originated on WTIT: The Blog authored by Bud Weiser. I am your host, Lance.

 Here, we steal the most interesting and intelligent memes from every corner of the blogosphere! “honor amongst thieves” is very important to us. We have our rules. First, we always credit the blog that we stole it from and we will “fess up” to the blog owner where we stole the meme. Second, We also provide a link to the victim's blog. (It's our way of saying "Thanks!") We do sometimes edit the original meme, usually to make it more relevant to our global players.

Answer any way you like, sarcastic, honest, silly, or any other way! it is up to you! Well, that’s enough intro - Let’s get on with it!!

Today we ripped off a blogger named Bud Weiser(Because we do not think it has ever been done so far) from the blog: WTIT: The Blog It was combined from two different memes from a feature he ran once upon a time called Sat-8. He says he got it from someone named Lola. But, it was probably stolen there as well. So, of course, that will be as far as we go.

Tracing back our theft's thieves might take some time. Take the time to comment on other player's posts. It's a great way to make new friends!

Link back to us at Sunday Stealing! Sunday Stealing: Have You’s and What If’s!

1. Have you anything to confess today?
Well might as well get down to nuts and bolts. I'm extremely angry and I actually used a tactic I learned in a Dialectical Behavior Workbook to deflect myself from self harm. So there's my morbid confession for the day.

 2. have you ever broken a law? If so, what was it? Yes I have and I'm SO glad Judge Judy didn't find out. Woman scares the hell out of me!

3. have you ever committed an act of betrayal against a friend or family member? explain. I'm sure I have more than I know. I guess I'd like to know so I could rectify it.

4. Has someone else done something that, to this day, makes you cringe when you think about them committing the act?. Ok, we're talking about my life and the crap that's happened it? Just wanting to be sure. Instead of cringing they make me want to shoot. Mainly my daughter and grand son being terribly abused.

5. Have you ever found yourself sexually aroused by someone that you absolutely should not have been? On advice of my attorney I'm declining to answer under my fifth amendment rights.

6. have you ever cheated at school? how so? One time that I remember. I was in eighth grade and we were in a poetry unit. although I can write poetry now, I had no clue then. My friend that was amazing wrote it for me. She's now the senior attorney for the Government Accounting Office. Believe it or not, I still feel really badly about that. 

7. What if you came across a backpack stuffed with one hundred thousand dollars. Would you keep it? My human nature would want to keep it, my conscience would give it back. after all Karma's a bitch.

8. What if you were the most powerful person in the world. How would you use that power? I already am. I'm helping raise the future generation.

9. What if you found a magic lamp? I'd ask for a lot of land so that the kids could all build houses on it, alone with us, and have a great meeting place, play yard, in the middle.

10. What if you could change one thing about the world. What would that one thing be? the polarization

11. What if you could take one thing back. What would that one thing be? leaving Cole with that babysitter and not trusting my instincts with my daughter's ex husband.

12. What if you were stuck on an island forever but had all the water, food and shelter you needed. What would you do? I would do what I haven't been able to do for thirty years, I would relax, tan, drink and just be.

13. What if the internet didn't exist? you wouldn't be reading this

14. What if you never started blogging? I would have exploded a long time ago with all the crap I have to get out!

15. What are your November 22 Thanksgiving plans? Kids, my house, cooking, eating, ya know, the norm.


 

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This Blonde Walks Into A Bar Alone

It's been decades since I walked into a bar alone, wait that's a lie. I walked into one a couple of years ago in Texas to meet up with my best friend, Angela, but that's a whole different story involving some businessmen, a few lies and a possum. 

Several nights ago I walked into a little tavern totally solo. It is one of the Happy Valley neighborhood hangouts, and I was hoping there would be no one there I knew. Since I was sans friends there would be questions, "What are YOU doing here?" "Hey, wanna hook up?"

If there was anyone there I knew, no matter my explanation, there would be a gossip wildfire that could never be put out. My reputation as the mom with the huge, multi-colored family would be replaced with one as the town skank. Hell, my own opinion has changed after seeing several people alone in that little bar a few times.

I made a bee line to the bar, I didn't look around at the people there, I avoided all eye contact. I found an empty seat near the back, out of eye's sight of the rest of the bar and grabbed it. I had a craving for fried liver and that's the only place I knew I could find it.  The bartender recognized me and we chatted a few minutes, he knew the liver was for me, that's about all I order to eat when I'm there. I had called in my order but had to wait about 20 minutes after I got there. So I sat back on the bar stool and screwed around on my phone. Thank God for smart phones!

The guy sitting next to me was quite boisterous, obviously drunk and was there to drink and drink a lot. He yelled out "HOW TALL ARE YOU?" Yeah, he had that much class. At least he didn't ask if I played basketball in school, I would have been arrested for a quick throat punch to the less than classy drunk. I don't ask short people if they were a jockey or heavy people if they were a Sumo wrestler, so give it a rest already. Have a little class, don't be an asshole.

I was trying to mind my own business but the drunken loudmouth would have none of it and peppered me with questions. I answered politely, but my answers were very short and sweet. Finally he turned to the woman to his other side. The first thing he loudly asked her was, "Hey, ya wanna see my new tattoo? You'll never guess what it is!"

"I bet it's an asshole," she responded, he was too drunk to get it. I heard chuckles from the rest of the people at, and around, the bar.

The guy proceeded to remove his shirt and flash his new tattoo. I didn't look, I tried not to hear. This guy was not only embarrassing himself, he was embarrassing everyone around. When he didn't get the response from her that he had hoped for he turned back to me. 

By this time I was really feeling uncomfortable. I'm usually with friends and I don't have to worry about idiots. But they weren't there. I was on my own and I didn't know how to handle myself. Miss self-assured was a bit on edge.

The guy next to me kept up the questions and general drunken chatter. That's when my savior appeared. The bartender showed up with my order.

"Here's your two orders of livers."

"WHAT," yelled the drunken man, "LIVERS?"

"Yes, livers," I said as I held my head high.

"That's the most disgusting thing I've EVER heard of!"

I felt victorious as I paid the bartender, grabbed my livers and strutted out of the bar leaving the drunk in a state of shock.







 

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The Reality

I never really listened to Nine Inch Nails and Trent Reznor but I was uploading a version of his song "Hurt" by Johnny Cash today. I was feeling a bit nostalgic.

My Dad loved Johnny Cash. He reminds me of Dad, he reminds me of growing up. I idolized my father and whatever he liked, I liked.

I bought Johnny Cash's last five CDs, the ones he recorded in the months before his death, on a whim of nostalgia. I decided to upload them to my car and the first song that uploaded was "Hurt."

I never listened intently to Trent Reznor's version, but today I listened to Johnny Cash's version, every single word, many times over.

It so perfectly fits with some of the darkest days I've experienced dealing with Bipolar Disorder, especially the first part of the song.  I listened to every word, I took them deep into my soul, I have lived them, I do live them.

I haven't written much about my disorder lately, I guess because things seem relatively "normal," whatever "normal" is, in my mind lately. My life is chaotic as usual, but the swings have really leveled out.

I sat motionless as I breathed in every word of this song, over and over again. It was, it is, my life.
If you listen to the song try to realize that you're listening to a part of me.

In "those times" I'm not being dramatic, I'm not going to react if you say "just snap out of it," or "you can handle this." Because at those times I can't, it only shows your ignorance of the disorder. The disorder consumes me and I retreat for a few days before I am able to bring myself out of the darkness. Thank goodness I can now bring myself out of the pit in a relatively short amount of time and thank goodness those times are now very rare.

If you're so inclined, listen to this song and, for a short time, live pieces of my reality.





 

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The Reality

I never really listened to Nine Inch Nails and Trent Reznor but I was uploading a version of his song "Hurt" by Johnny Cash today. I was feeling a bit nostalgic.

My Dad loved Johnny Cash. He reminds me of Dad, he reminds me of growing up. I idolized my father and whatever he liked, I liked.

I bought Johnny Cash's last five CDs, the ones he recorded in the months before his death, on a whim of nostalgia. I decided to upload them to my car and the first song that uploaded was "Hurt."

I never listened intently to Trent Reznor's version, but today I listened to Johnny Cash's version, every single word, many times over.

It so perfectly fits with some of the darkest days I've experienced dealing with Bipolar Disorder, especially the first part of the song.  I listened to every word, I took them deep into my soul, I have lived them, I do live them.

I haven't written much about my disorder lately, I guess because things seem relatively "normal," whatever "normal" is, in my mind lately. My life is chaotic as usual, but the swings have really leveled out.

I sat motionless as I breathed in every word of this song, over and over again. It was, it is, my life.
If you listen to the song try to realize that you're listening to a part of me.

In "those times" I'm not being dramatic, I'm not going to react if you say "just snap out of it," or "you can handle this." Because at those times I can't, it only shows your ignorance of the disorder. The disorder consumes me and I retreat for a few days before I am able to bring myself out of the darkness. Thank goodness I can now bring myself out of the pit in a relatively short amount of time and thank goodness those times are now very rare.

If you're so inclined, listen to this song and, for a short time, live pieces of my reality.





 

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Creepy!

Every time I look at this picture I laugh a lot and then on the other hand her crazy eyes and big red lips freak me out. Maybe I just had too many cocktails, but somehow I don't think so if you can see it too.

This is a picture of my four year old granddaughter, Anna-Grace Elizabeth, on Halloween night. She looks like the plastic surgeon went a little over board with the juvederm, or maybe she was attacked by honey bees.

I can't stop looking at it and the creep out factor has never left. Good thing though is if you look closely, you can hardly see her scar from open heart surgery when she was 8 months old. A few more years and I think it will be a faded memory.

She's a pretty girl, she really is.....without the lips!




 

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