Hey Strangers!

It's been a long, long, time since I've written regularly, and I so miss the cathartic effect it has on me. Many times when I go to write I might have a vague idea of what I'm seeking to convey, or a nagging question in my gut that is answered by the end of my post. My writing was part of my therapy, part of trying to understand my chaotic world.

I've had many, many, emails asking where I've gone, what's been happening, and if I'm still living. Well, here I am. Fresh out of the shower, no contacts, no make up, but I did blow dry my hair, so give me a little break will ya? You can still tell it's me, see the Texas flag and I am wearing a Harley shirt. Same girl, just a year older.

Where have I been you ask? Well, it's been quite the eventful year. Approximately one week before my 27th wedding anniversary my marriage officially ended. I've made three moves, and am about to make another one. 

Here I sit, at 53 years of age, having only worked from home part time, attempting to decipher the uncharted paths before me. I'm wondering what in the hell I'm going to do. It's been anything but smooth, but each day brings more peace. There's much more healing to work through and I need to learn to look at the world with fresh eyes. I need to gain a feeling of worthiness, and empowerment. 

For years I have been in therapy, and treatment, for bipolar disorder, type 2, generalized anxiety disorder, and panic attacks. I've dealt with trauma after trauma since my grandson died in 2004. Many of you have been through the ups and downs I've endured in my life. It was a life filled with uncertainty in everything that surrounded me. I sought solace, and escape, from the world, from life, from everyone, and everything, and I went about it in the wrong way. 

The blog I began to help others gain the confidence to take control of their world, and not allow it to control them, ended up being some of the best therapy I could have ever asked for. You, yes you, have helped me see myself through new eyes. However, being in the eye of a storm is not conducive for writing logically, so I had no choice but to stop. 

For years I ran. I wasn't sure from what, but the running continued until recently. I was running from demons I couldn't, wouldn't, see. They were creatures my doctors tried, year after year, to get me to realize for myself. They hoped my eyes would be opened and my marathon would stop. I could then catch my breath, see my world differently, and deal with the monsters I had buried deep within my soul. Ones that were too painful to face. They finally convinced me, although BD2 is a piece of the puzzle, "severe PTSD" is the major piece and I need to deal with fitting into my therapy, into my life, and into my treatment.  

When I was down you encouraged me. When I wrote something that to me was normal I would get tons of emails and messages thanking me for saying, admitting, what others hadn't, or couldn't admit themselves. They told me they had no idea they weren't alone in their feelings. Those messages were life savers for me. The people that wrote me helped unseal my eyes. They helped me see that the way I was experiencing the world wasn't the norm, it was outside of the lines. I've never been an "in the box" person, and that's ok, but you all have helped me realize that I wasn't seeing things correctly myself. I'll never fit into others preconceived notions of how a person should be, I'll always have an adventurous spirit, but now I can work on seeing the correct way of living in technicolor. 

Yes I have tattoos, yes I ride a Harley, yes I have piercings, yes I'm outgoing and friendly, and you know what? That's ok. If people have a problem with those parts of me, it's their problem not mine, and that's ok. 

I'll be writing of many of those monsters. I need to confront them, get them out, give them a name, and rid them from my life. I also need to be respectful of others, and their feelings, while being transparent enough to, hopefully, help others to avoid the same rolling boulders my family and I have endured. 

xoxoxoxo

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New Sensation

She shut off the water of the hot, steamy shower she had taken, not only to cleanse her body, but to also aid in ridding her soul, from layers of toxic threads that had slowly entrapped her.

In her hands she gathered her blonde hair and began to squeeze from it what she could of the remaining water she had immersed herself in.

She watched as the droplets that fell, formed streams that traced her bare body, as Newton’s Law prevailed. She imagined, willed, them to envelope, and carry with them, poisonous particles that had pierced, and bound, her spirit from wounds both past and present.

She stepped from the calming atmosphere she had luxuriated in, grabbed a thick, white, cotton, towel to wrap her still dripping hair, and another to dry the shell that embodied her essence.

As she filled her hands with her trademark scented lotion, she carefully studied the symbols on her body of broken chains. Symbols that had been permanently injected into her soft, ivory, skin. To her they not only represented the opening of a locked door, but also the key to a life yet to be explored. 

The air was heavy with steam as she cracked the door to allow a fresh breeze to fill her lungs. She removed the saturated towel from her hair, shook her head, allowing her long, blonde, tresses to fall to her waist, and cover much of her torso.

When the fog had been carried away with the light breeze, she stepped to the mirror. She gazed at the same face, partially covered with wefts of wavy, wet, hair, she had seen every day for decades, but this time noticed something different. 

There was a glimmer, a sparkle, in her auburn eyes, and a new sensation of inner growth, and within it she saw her true self. Although fearful of what was to come in much of her new life, she was certain, and committed, in other areas.

She stood there, as bare as her new-found existence, and felt the confines of the silken threads, in which she had been bound, begin to dissolve. With that she sensed, and embraced, the colorful wings she had always carried, but had never been allowed to fully open, emerging.  

Although fear’s talons still gripped her, she felt a confidence never before felt, and realized within herself she did have the capability to truly be happy. 

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