I've opened this page so many times in the last several months, years, with the intention of writing, letting things out, letting them go, and just haven't been able to find the right words in which to do so.
I have two incredible doctors, my psychologist, and my psychiatrist. The psychologist listens to my shit, the psych listens to my needs, medicinally speaking. They speak together, so one knows what the other one does, they look after me, and are a great team. They've both told me how well I am, how far I've come, and how amazed they are at my composure and my ability to be objective when it comes to looking at myself and the world around me. Pretty cool, hey? Yeah, I've pretty much rocked it lately.
However, I called my psychologist a few weeks ago for an "emergency, get me in NOW," session, and he was able to. I really don't know how they do what they do. There's no way I could sit eight hours a day listening to people whine, cry and carry on. I don't do that. I'm rational, I listen, I take in, and I learn. I want to work on myself and be the best I can be, but I don't take bullshit either.
I warned him, as I walked down the hallway to his office that day, that this session would be different. Usually I'm calm, self contained, and collected. I think through things, we exchange ideas and come up with strategies for whatever may be the topic of the day.
I'm doing well, really well, and have been for some time, years in fact, however that day he was going to see a side of me he had never before witnessed. I warned him, I gave him the chance to run, but he knew it was a time I really needed to process some things.
I didn't even give him the chance to speak, as I usually do, right off the bat I laid it out. Every bit of what had been building came from my mouth, my heart and soul and wafted through the air. He sat back and allowed me to totally go off, not at him, but other situations. He listened, he watched my body language, and he asked me to keep going each time I apologized for how emphatic, and frustrated, I was.
I got it out, it felt good, although I'm sure my blood pressure was off the chart. He sat back and settled into the over-stuffed leather couch, and thought about what I was, at that time, pretty much yelling about.
After I was finished, he began to speak, and we devised a plan for my self preservation. He gave me awesome ways to cope with the situation at hand. I sat back, began to breathe again, did
not take a benzo, and listened intently to his advice, of course, after apologizing for the 90th time for my venting, pacing, and being a tad bit on the loud side.
Instantly, that day, I began to implement what we had discussed. It was difficult at times, but I stuck to the plan. I hadn't had a chance to really act on his advice until tonight.
Today has been incredible, as they have been for awhile now, and one phone call, a few minutes ago, got heated quickly, but it gave me the opportunity to really lay it down and enforce the rules the doctor and I had agreed upon.
It took me a bit to get out of the same pattern, that had been placed years in advance, and put the doctor's words into action, and I did exactly what we had discussed. At first I did say what I needed, wanted, to say before remembering what the doctor and I had spoken of.
I removed myself from the conversation, it wasn't easy, but I did it. I did it. That's the important part, I did it! I'm proud of myself, am I ok right now? No, I'm not. Words thrown as poisonous darts take a while to recover from, I'll recover, much more quickly than in the past, I'm stronger than I was then, I didn't allow buttons, that had knowingly been pushed in the past, to affect me tonight.
What I need to keep in mind is there are boundaries I will no longer allow to be crossed. If I remember, and stick to, that, Diva is gonna be just fine.
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