Manic Thursday
Thursday, March 1, 2012
What a roller coaster! Bipolar usually is, it's recognizing the signals that come my way that throw me. When things go too well and I feel too good I always think a manic episode is around the corner.
Well.....HELLO mania! It's been coming on for weeks. I've been super focused, I can't stop working....it's like I just don't have enough hours in the day. For me that's a sign I have to watch. My mood has been incredible and for the most part I feel like me on overdrive. I've been going and going and going for weeks and then I'll crash and burn for a day and do it all over again.
I had a feeling it might be mania, but was hoping I was just doing better. It's funny that when you have bipolar, good days become suspicious. I always wonder if it's real or if its mania.
Usually I love mania, I get more done, I'm happy and out going, chatty and optimistic. It's a good feeling, mostly. Who in the hell am I kidding? It's wonderful feeling!
Last night was a for sure sign, I couldn't get to sleep until four. I had to totally drug myself to sleep and then was up four hours later,
I emailed my doc to see if he could switch my sleep meds and described everything else going on. He called back immediately and said it sounded more like an onset of mania and not sleep med burn out.
The more I thought about it, the more it made sense. Motor-driven, can't stop moving, unusually happy, not sleeping and racing thoughts. Great, just great. Mania is awesome, EXCEPT it usually signals a fall is near.
A deep, scary, pits of hell fall. The kind of fall where you feel like you're being pulled into a vortex and no matter what you do you can't get out. Actually what's scary is that you don't want to get out, you can't think straight enough to get the strength to want to get out.
We've doubled one on my medications and I hope that will level things out. For now I'm not thinking I'm going to fall, but who in the hell knows? Only time will tell I guess.
So if I disappear for a while you'll know the black Dog, as Winston Churchill called his bipolar depression, has me in it's grips.
I used to wish I was normal, but for me this normal. I don't know any other way.
I should be selling tickets!
12 comments:
Hang on Babe, we are pulling for you and you will make it through to the other side. So sorry.
I refuse to leave you in that pit alone my sister. You know I am but a phone call away to pray over you, listen to you , hold onto you when your hands give up. I can't let ya go that easy sweetie..
Well, this is not a whole lot of fun, even if you are getting some things done.
So, while you're trying to ride the tornado, some of us will try to figure where to put some soft landing pads for you.
Depression is bad (live there, do that), but bipolar seems worse. Especially when you're having to second-guess yourself all the time.
Blessings and Bear hugs. See ya on the other side.
Hey!! I've been a neglectful blogger and follower for a while, but you are one I always come back to. It actually helps me having someone to relate to. I'm glad you get the HAPPY mania and not the destructive kind. LOL! My brother used to have a problem with that, but it's under control better now. The scenes I play out in my mind are repressed by painful restraint. Mine is usually a mixed mania where my mind races, I talk too much about things I wish I hadn't and then get depressed over that... I can be up... Then something can trigger and I'm hiding and wishing the world would swallow me up.
Maybe the mixed mania keeps the crash from being as drastic though. SCARY! So enjoy your sunshiny days but brace yourself and cushion your fall. Remember how many people love and count on you. That;s usually what pulls me through in the end.
(((HUGS)))
Keep your head up Diva, you've done amazing to fight it so long the way you have. I kind of try to embrace the mania when I get it but I know it can be kind of dangerous and definitely needs to be controlled. It's so hard to distinguish sometimes.
Quick, while you're riding this mania... prepare your nest. Wash your sheets, your comforters. Wash your pillowcases, take anything dangerous out of your bedroom. Prepare your family, if that is what you do.
So when you crash, you'll have a safe place. Charge up your laptop. Get ready to write!!! I wish you had a plaque or something in your house that says 'You are never alone' so when you're at your darkest, you can look at this and maybe it'll help remind you that better times are ahead.
Love you!!!
"The Black Dog"
I once heard an author talk about this dog...and he said he finally embraced it.
Anyhow, Diva... What is Normal? What does it mean? Does it mean we need to act as society says we should act?
If so, I shall never be Normal.
Xx Love Love Love.
I've doubled up on my meds and so far I feel the same, I guess seeing if I can sleep tonight will be the tell tale sign.
That black dog needs to be kenneled! Hmmm... I hope you don't disappear for awhile, and that the fall isn't as bad as you fear it will be.
I wonder if I may have a mild bipolar after reading this. I went through this a few weeks ago... complete craziness running around, getting everything done... but I wasn't al happy while doing it. I was trying more to fight the unhappy by doing it. Then I gave up, and have done nothing at all until yesterday... I mean nothinnnng... I need meds for these crazy panic attacks, I know that.
It's amazing to read about other bipolar people's experiences. I used to feel so alone in my distrust of my moods and thinking that being manic was me feeling "better." This blog post of yours is almost exactly like ones that I have written. It's uncanny and awesome. For me, knowing I'm not alone makes me feel better. Unfortunately, mania is not real, it just seems real and fantastic. Hopefully the meds help to reduce the pendulum swing. <3
I used to love the high of the mania, but then the crash would come and it was horrible. My meds have leveled me out and I haven't had a manic or depressive episode since. I'm pulling for you sweetheart!
Wow I am not belittling your affliction but sometimes I wish I had that 'overdrive' you speak about. I love it when you are happy, optimistic, and moving a million miles an hour. I wish it could stay all the time and you never had to see the other side. W.C.C.
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