The Next Ten Days

The next ten days should be interesting. Getting on the Harley early tomorrow morning headed for Santa Rosa for a couple of days. Meet up with some friends. Spend a day in wine country, then head off for Reno for a night.

Next will meet up with more people and ride the "loneliest road in America."

Then back to Reno for Street Vibrations for 3 days or so, then a 2 day ride home. Yea! Should be fun, but I'm always a little afraid when I start out on a ride.

Hopefully I'll post some along the way if I can. If I can't then I'll catch up with you all when I get home.

Read more...

I'll Just Roll With It

I know I've told you that with this blog I try to keep things light hearted most of the time. You know, so you realize that those of us affected with bipolar aren't all crazy pants and in dire need of hospitalization, well most of the time. I've had my fair share of days where xanex is the thread I hang by.

I do realize that I'm lucky in the fact that, for someone with bipolar disorder, I cope very well, except for the boxes of expensive lingerie that keep showing up on my doorstep delivered by a big brown truck. Oh, and girls, matching lingerie please. Being unmatched just isn't, well it just isn't proper.

I need to write a little more seriously tonight, mainly because I'm facing a significant loss in my life, actually a pretty damned devastating loss. Out of respect for the other person and others that are involved I'll try to keep this somewhat vague. I just need to freaking process. I need someone to listen, to hear my not so silent screams. Ok, I didn't actually scream, on the outside anyway. But I did pretty much lose it.

When I got the news this afternoon I immediately went into survival mode. It's kind of what I've learned to do over the years. If you know me at all you know that shit hits the fan around here pretty much on a weekly basis. I get through. I compartmentalize. I deal with it when I'm good and ready to deal with it. I control it, or I think I control it, when in reality I know it's controlling me.

I don't have that luxury this time. I have to act and I have to act fast. That means having to deal with the loss and deal with it now. I can't hide it away and pretend it's not going to happen. I can't deny the fact that it's here and it's now. I can't deny the fact that my life will forever change.

I like to feel I'm in control of my life, and for the most part I am, but this is something I have no control over. I certainly wish I did. But it's just not going to happen my way this time. The Diva will be denied. Somehow that just doesn't sound right.

I hate the feeling of my life spinning out of bounds. I hate the uncertainty of the unknown. I hate feeling the tears welling up with no where to go, God forbid I have a stuffy nose so I can't sleep tonight or puffy eyes at the gym tomorrow, then I'll really be pissed. God forbid the facade begins to crack.

So while inside I'm losing it, tomorrow I'll get on my gym clothes, grab coffee and get my butt to the gym. I'll try to work through the hurt and the loss with the weights. They'll become my comfort in the next month or so, they'll become my way out, my diversion.

I'll smile, I'll move forward. I won't like it in the least but I'll get through this and I'll survive. I'm not really sure how it'll happen, but it will happen. When you look at me you'll never know how much I'm hurting, you'll never see the fear, you'll never see the tears.

Read more...

A Favor

I have a favor to ask of you. I know you all know the story of Isaiah, my precious angel grandson. His mom, my daughter Karli, has put up a post in her own words of what happened and the way herpes can affect newborns.

I'd like to ask you to visit her blog and maybe, if you're so inclined, offer her words of encouragement, possibly even follow her. 

It's been seven years and I think she's finally ready to deal with what happened. She's been in a horrible depression; she's had trouble getting her bipolar under control. She hasn't posted in months and I think she's ready to live again.

She's doing well now and is on, what we believe to be, a good medicinal regimen for her. 

Please stop by and help me support her in her long awaited recovery.

Her blog is called "A Bipolar Princess."

Thanks so much!

Read more...

I Should Be Used To It

It took me by surprise today, after all it's been ten years. I should be used to the reality of the situation of a decade ago. I'm not.

I know much has been written about the horrendous day ten years previous that changed our lives forever. But for some reason I feel the need to write. I told myself I wouldn't put words to screen about the subject that has been brought back into the forefront by so many. But here I am. I'm writing, not for you really, but for me.

For some reason I continue to watch the unending coverage of the anniversary that is marked by so many events today. It's hit me as hard, if not harder than the original attack. After all ten years ago we were all in shock, in disbelief. We watched images that none of us could have ever imagined.

Today it's something that's become part of our culture, our everyday life. The threat, the possibility, the uncertainty is ever present.

I watch on TV as flags are unfurled. I again watch the pictures of  people jumping, falling from the targeted, towering structures, I watch the devastation again. And I cry. It seems as if everything today is magnified for me.

For the last ten years every flag I've seen has taken on a significance that I had never before felt. Oh, I've always been proud of our flag, I've always loved it, I've always respected it. But since September 11, 2001 it's taken on a different meaning for me. It's a symbol of the day we all came together, we put aside our differences and we joined hands. We became one. And I cry.

The national anthem has also become much more meaningful for me. It's no longer a song that was taught to me in fourth grade. It's the story, the reality of the beginning of our beautiful nation. I hear it and damn it if I don't cry as I take in the words and not just sing them. I actually hear them, I picture what Francis Scott Key must have seen, must have felt, the night of September 13, and in the early morning hours of September 14, 1814 during the attack on Fort McHenry. And I cry.

Today I also think of how we've forgotten that togetherness, that will, to fight the enemy together as Americans. Instead we bicker, we separate, we've once again become oil and water refusing to come together for a better America. We identify ourselves as liberals and conservatives and hate one another. And I cry.

Yes I have very staunch political beliefs, I'm sure you have yours and many times they're miles apart. Instead of working together we tear apart and the enemy rejoices. The enemy rejoices as we allow the togetherness we felt during that dreadful time fade away and we've once again focused on ourselves. No one wants to give, no one wants to work together to preserve our way of American life. It's once again a game of us versus them. And I cry.

We're doing the enemy's job ourselves. We're tearing our nation apart from within. We're allowing political warring to separate us as Americans.

I know I've gotten off track. The keys of the computer just seemed to have led me on a different path in this post. We need to work at building up our nation and not let the enemy once again rejoice.

Read more...

Do Ya Think I Can?

Tomorrow is Friday? As in the end of the week Friday? When the hell did that happen? Did I just type three questions in a row? Do ya think I can write an entire post in questions? Do I think I can?

Why in the hell does Quickbooks claim to be an easy way to do the accounting for your business?

Should I have a round chambered in the Glock 27 beside my bed, or should I just keep the clip in it?

Should I be more assertive in my blog with my political beliefs?

I wonder why I'm not? Am I really that tired afraid of controversy?

Are my aunts shaking their heads at my last question?

I really want my nose pierced, but should I? How bad does it hurt?

Why do my kids think it's so easy and fun to spend other people's money? Where does that sense of entitlement come from?

Why have I not found the time to do something peaceful this week?

Why does that guy at the gym keep asking me out?

I wonder if he's really as young as I think he is?

Why haven't I booked my vacation to Cape Cod?

Is my aunt nodding her head at that last question?

Should I keep up the sugaring or go for the laser?

Where's my new La Perla thong?

Why am I being mesmerized by the Progressive commercial about the "bundler?"

Why are so many people against the Constitution?

Why do people read blogs?

Are we basically a voyeuristic society?

Why am I asking questions instead of taking my medicine and trying to sleep after this hellacious week?


Did I do it, or was it an epic fail?

Why will tomorrow come too soon?



Should I say "goodnight" or "until tomorrow?"

Read more...

Yeah, It's A Meme, Get Over It

Sitting here watching True Grit waiting to go to my daughter's for dinner and needed something to do, so here it is.

1. Has anyone ever intentionally ripped you off? Or perhaps unintentionally?

This is really perplexing to me, how does someone unintentionally rip someone off? Intentionally? Uh, yeah and they paid big time, around $12,000,000 big time! Read all about that time here.

2. When was the last time that you made a quip that fell completely flat and embarrassed you? You've got to be freaking kidding me! This is me we're talking about here. I do that on a daily basis. I tend to speak or write and then think.

3. When you go to sleep, does it you need to be absolutely quiet or do you need a little noise (radio, TV, music or white)? At night totally quiet, during the day I leave the news on to drown out the fighting minions.

4. Do you have a memorable "ripped clothing" moment in your life? Yeah, ok, so, yes I do and maybe one day again.....or perhaps just a flashback.

5. What's changed on your blog since its inception? ...a redo? ...a change of pace? ...or is it still business as usual?
Remember, this is MY life we're talking about here? Everyday is a change. 
 
6. Can you remember where you were in life ten years ago? If you could travel back in time and whisper something to yourself ten years ago, what would it be? 
Do it now, you'll be a happier person much faster. 

7. Okay, let's have it! What's the craziest, most impulsive thing you've ever done? 
Well I'm quite afraid that I can't post that here. And truthfully that changes daily.

If you were having a bad day what or who would you turn to for comfort?
Karyn, Angela, and I have a few guy friends that know everything and would be there.

9. According to the song White Rabbit, "one pill makes you larger and one pill makes you small". If you were offered these pills today, which pill would you take and where would it take you? Well let us think about this a minute. I think somedays I want bigger boobs, which I really don't need since I'm already a 36E, I used to think smaller but I've lost a lot of weight and I'm cool with that now. I'd probably say one to make my 5'8" so I can still be tall but wear the tallest, most sexy stilettos ever made.

Ciao,
 

Read more...

I Never Really Know What To Say

I guess it's just one of those days. I've been in a contemplative mood since I awoke. So much swirling around me and so much out of my control. My life is changing, all for the better, but it also has me thinking a bit more.

Which has absolutely nothing to do with what I was going to write tonight. I always get a little scared of posting on here when it has to do with a bipolar episode, being bipolar, having to deal with bipolar or things that happen on the more serious side of my life. A lot of that I have on my other blog, that along with my more racy, uninhibited side. Think Fredrick's on crack. If you want the URL to that blog, you can have it as long as you're not family, not someone I see day to day, yeah I know I've made some exceptions, and you can't be judgemental. But back to this post.

I'm always afraid, or have been lately, about being judged by a label. That's all it is. It's a label that had I not gone through years of trauma wouldn't have been given to me. Am I any different because of that label? Well yes and no. I can judge myself more accurately, I tend to think about things a little more, I make sure I take my medication, which only serves to quell my creativity it seems.  But in reality I'm still me. It's what makes me me. I'm always ready for an adventure, sometimes I should think those times through a little more, but hey, being impulsive is a symptom of bipolar so I'm entitled right? I've raised 8 kids, I've run a business and I freaking live next to a pack of goats that I haven't yet killed, so I manage pretty damned well.

I've always been open, too open at times. But I wonder if people look at me differently, more cautiously. I mean, we all know the horror stories of seriously messed up people with bipolar, but we rarely hear of the ones that pretty much have it together and manage quite well. One of my reasons for being out front about my disorder was to quash the myths, the stereotypes, of bipolar disorder.

The last time I saw my psychiatrist she told me that she was impressed how together I was, how well I managed my life and I that seem to have a real handle on it all. I was like "Hell freaking yeah! Score!" I kind of look at it like this. What's bipolar when I've been through stalkers, serious accidents, my mom and cousin being killed by negligent doctors, dealing with the NICU and fragile babies, my grandson dying and all the other shit that's happened in my life? Dealing with bipolar after all of that is a freaking piece of cake.

But I wonder how far is too far? When do I hold back? When do I continue? I've gotten so many emails from other people that deal with bipolar that really encourage me to keep it up, to tell it like it is. But I can't help but wonder. I can't help but think that some may take it the wrong way and think I'm some sort of serial killer, or totally deranged.

So I'm left to wonder, "How far is too far?"

Read more...