Something Wasn't Right

It had been months, 7 months to be exact, since Jeff had been home.

It has been the most amazing blessing to be reunited with my best friend and soulmate.

However, something was wrong. I sensed it many times but just couldn't put my finger on it.

One day, while he was at work, I was straightening our room and looked at our bed.

I made the decision to change our sides.

That night, as I lay to his right, he put his arm around my stomach. I, in turn, was able to use my left arm to do as I always had, and that was to rub his head, scratch his beard and chest.

It felt so good, so calming, so right.

I laid down, turning on my right side, and moved back into waiting arms that enveloped me.

That was it. We were home.

His chest was on my back and his arm tightly around me pulling me closer, so close I could feel the beating of his heart and his breath on my neck.

I began running down all of the homes we've had, where our bed had been, and on which side we had slept.

Jeff had always been on the left and I on the right.

That night of discovery I fell asleep knowing we were "home," we were right.

I haven't had that "not quite right" feeling again. This is where we belong, this is perfection.

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What I Saw Changed My Day

As with every morning, upon awaking, I staggered into the kitchen to grab a bit of java. As I did so this morning I noticed my husband's bible was left open so I was curious as to how he began his day.

I know he always begins with reading, but for some reason I was drawn to his choice this morning and in doing so it changed my reading pattern for the day and I am so thankful it did.

Since our God led us to reunification, please understand I refuse to attempt to sway you to my beliefs so know that is not my intention only an expression of my feelings, but since our reunification we have been met with several challenges. Some expected, some surprises, but all that has come against us with negativity we have chosen to cut from our lives for the time being.

We are in a new phase of our lives where we will no longer tolerate drama, negativity, poison, or anything that may get in the way of our much deepened relationship.  I had made that choice and was already on the path before our decision to obey to our God and reunite. Little did I know he was on the same path, same pattern of mind, before we spoke and made our mirrored thoughts solid and clear cut.

Yes, to answer your obvious question, it was unexpected (our coming full circle), and then quick once we realized what was happening.

We can see how people would/could be in shock, disbelief, or even disagreement, with what has happened. With the way we left off one would be a fool not to be skeptical. However, and that is a BIG however, there is not one person, one child, one friend, one acquaintance, that was there in the alone times, in the reality of, our private relationship, and knows all of the situations we both were facing.

That is something everyone in our lives needs to remember. Not one, but our God, knows all. Neither of us is evil, neither of us is without blame of one sort or another. We have both grown wiser, realized, and voiced, our individual weaknesses, and flaws that led to the seeming end of our relationship.

There's so much I could write regarding it all but that's not what I was compelled to write about today.

That being said, I saw my husband had been reading Proverbs 22-23. How eye opening, how affirming, how validating, pertaining to the challenges thrown at us recently.

I was blown away by one scripture that I've seen, and felt, in recent months, as I watched with a joy not easily described, play out with my husband and his son, two of our children, and our daughter in law. Proverbs 23:22-25. The mercy, grace, and love, they have shown has been a light and such an incredible support in the midst of challenges that have come our way.

One of the first passages I read brought a peace beyond understanding to my spirit as I read, Proverbs 22:3. That one scripture pretty much sums up what we've decided. My husband used to tell the children, while they were young, how the enemy waits, much as a dog, for an opening he can use to plow into our lives. You know when a dog sits at the door and cannot enter because the door is tightly shut? He would tell them that if they leave the door cracked just a bit the dog can, and will, push its way through bringing chaos and destruction and it's difficult to stop. We've made the decision to shut the doors tightly until, or even if, those that have taken advantage of the once opened cracks can grow spiritually, drop their arrogance, pride, and attempts to cause strife, in our new found life together.

A few of the scriptures that we've applied in our lives, or are watching play out, are:
Proverbs 22:10, 12, 15, 17-18, 20, 24-25. Then Proverbs 23:6-9, oh Proverbs 23:9 has been shown to be true time and time again as of late, Proverbs 23:22-25, and with what we are dealing with in a day to day battle, Proverbs 23:29-35.

Please do not take this as a rebuke, or a "see there" as many will. This is only meant to be an encouragement to my husband, and to myself, that our decisions to seal the cracks and to focus on rebuilding what God arranged 30 years ago free from ignorance, arrogance, fear, and blindness, are indeed correct.

After all, if God is great enough to extend mercy, forgiveness, and wisdom to you, is He not great enough to extend it to, and to restore us?

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For My Failures I Am Thankful

Through some of the most bizarre happenings, difficult situations, and unlikely actions, somehow life seems to bring the most amazing gifts at the most unexpected times, in the most inconceivable ways.

I realize many of you don't share my faith and this is in no way an attempt to persuade you to believe as I believe, but rather a proclamation of my feelings, my beliefs, and how my walk in this world has been affected by my own actions and my belief of how The One I put my inner most faith in used unfathomable circumstances to guide me, keep me safe, and better my life. Speaking for myself, this is Thanksgiving, realization, and healing. This is therapy for me, and perhaps for just one individual that may be reading the words typed within this post, perhaps encouragement that they too are capable of great change and the ability to set themselves free of the shackles as I feel I have. 

Because of a Willie Nelson concert I met a man. The marriage was short, and horrible, but I was given a beautiful daughter that was an answer to a life long prayer down to the color of her green eyes, her smile, and the curl of her hair. 

Through a second, short, tumultuous relationship, I was blessed with an incredible son. He's handsome, intelligent, funny, with staunch convictions and a smile and laugh that could light the world.

Due to my troubled past God sent me the love of my life, to guide me, teach me, to be a true father for my two small kidlets, and the opportunity to build a wonderful, eventful, life together.

Through the misfortune of others I gained more miraculous children that forever changed my life.

Through the rape of one of my daughters we gained an amazing grand son. He's caring, so very smart, driven, and a genuine humanitarian. Just to think of him makes my heart overflow with joy and awe.

Through the death of a grand son I gained an opportunity to prioritize the truly important from things much less so. Not only witnessing my grand son's fight to die, but watching my child as she watched her child die, was agonizing but taught me we only see the dark threads and knots beneath the tapestry being created, One day we shall see the importance those dark threads and knots made in the completion, and beauty, of the finished masterpiece.

Through the death of my mother I gained a much needed relationship with my father, heart felt admissions and apologies, true, unconditional love, answers to the unanswered, and getting a better grip on the fact, that while in no way perfect, my parents did the best they could with the hands they had been dealt. For that I am thankful. It gave me the room to realize no parent is ever capable of doing everything right even though, generally, our intentions are to do so, but life sometimes gets in the way. I should re-phrase that, life always gets in the way and we all deviate from our paths. That doesn't make us worse than, it makes us human.

It allowed me to see, to know, my parents were in fact human, humans make mistakes and bad choices. Even when our intentions are good, there is not one of us that escapes failure. Through those last 13 months alone with my father, I came to know they did their best, and that is all I could ever ask. The good far outweighs the bad. I choose to remember, and cherish, the good, from the bad I choose to learn.

Seeing my granddaughter, delivered alive at 24 weeks, lying on a table, purple and lifeless, surrounded by a team attempting to keep her alive, set off a string of events I was unable to put together until recently. Her early birth was the trigger that brought flashbacks that ultimately sent me over the edge.

Because of the effects of unspeakable, and tremendous, past trauma, and my self destruction, I lost the ones I loved most. I was weak. I broke.

Through the seeming failure of a more than 2 decade marriage, and separation from my mate, I gained clarity.

Through the relationship with a grifter I gained self worth, self reliance and the ability to face, and heal from, the PTSD that heavily contributed to the failure of the marriage to my one, true, love.

What I gained from my relationship with the grifter is really what I would like to address in this post. I gained much more than I lost, and am so thankful that even though in the eyes of the world I appeared to willingly walk into the den of the devil, in reality I was set free from his talons, and bestowed with great gifts I could have never received otherwise.

I was kept isolated in a way that allowed me to reflect on my path, my mistakes, my choices, both good and bad, in the course of my life.

I was able to clearly see my part in the destruction of the relationship with my best friend.

I was shown the way I contributed to some of the actions of my true, God given, husband, that drove me from him, and him from me. For that I take ownership.

I was allowed to feel, to experience, how I made the other half of my soul feel when I shut him down by fleeing my inner demons, the experiences that haunted my subconscious mind and led to my implosion, and that of my family.

I was given quietness, the time, the insight, to see how horribly I failed, in so many ways, as a parent, as a wife, and as a friend. I also realized the opposite as well. I was reminded countless times of how I had changed patterns of my parents and did wonderful things for my family, although in many areas I did fail them, myself, and my spouse. No parent is perfect, not one. I am thankful I was given the opportunity to see how my insecurities, and events I kept buried deep within, led to an unhealthy co-dependency with some of my children that placed burdens on them that were not theirs to carry. That cannot be undone, only learned from.

My life was emptied, some by my choice, some by their choice, of those that weighed me down and kept me from growing. By doing so I was able to bloom myself and realize I had the ability to analyze, realize, grow, and change my thought patterns, my self destructive ways, and become the person, I believe, God intended me to be. I came to know the difference in needing and wanting people and material items.

I was given the courage to face my downfalls, see my failures, make amends when possible, ask for forgiveness, and realize that everything happens for a reason, and sometimes that reason is that we are stupid, blind, and make bad decisions.

I was able to learn that I was, and am,  responsible for myself. I have the power within my being to remain the same or to change. I choose change and bettering myself for my husband and for my family, but most of all for myself. For if I cannot be willing to change for myself, I will only fail spectacularly again. Failure is inevitable, without failure there can be no growth. Learning from failure is optional, and I choose to learn.

I'm reminded of the quote of Thomas Edison, "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." I will use my failures to learn what doesn't work, what should not be repeated, and not to be ashamed of them. My failures are what made me who I am today. Without them, without this past three years, I honestly don't see how I could have made the personal progress I have made.

Besides being led back to my one true love, with a much deeper respect, love, and relationship, I was also, through that seemingly bad relationship choice, given the gift of friendship, new friends that have become family, the ability to realize, and separate, the wheat from the chaff, and knowing, seeing, feeling the changes in, and around my life.

How could I possibly be anything but thankful?


Most sincerely,

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The Journey

As I laid sleeping in bed yesterday morning, buried beneath fluffy down comforters and my head between pillows of the same, my slumber was interrupted by a voice. I struggled to pull myself from a deep state of sleep attempting to comprehend, not only the voice I was hearing, but the words that were being spoken at such an early hour.

As I turned, and adjusted the pillows, I recognized a soothing voice from the past and as I realized the words being spoken had been written centuries ago my spirit calmed. It seemed as if I snuggled into my cocoon more deeply and a peace fell over me as I listened to the words of the first chapter of Ephesians being read aloud by a man I fell in love with 29 years ago.

So strange is the journey of life with it's twists and turns, peaks and valleys, that to think of trying to convey to another the tale of how the best friend I have ever had and I went through glorious, unforgettable times, into the pits of hell, only to return to each other with a deepened respect, much more wise, and the realizations we have both come to understand, is daunting to say the least.

I am, as is he, still attempting to come to grips with the fact that our last few years have brought us so much closer than could have ever before been imagined. I get the fact that many people only know my side of the story, or his side of the story, and are unwilling to even accept the fact that this is our journey, not theirs, and that we have both acknowledged our individual actions that caused the other to unravel.

Most are well meaning, but ignorant, a few are down right mean spirited and spiteful. When  people see only the suffering of one, they naturally side with the one they have witnessed first hand. What few understand is that the other suffered as well. The people that witnessed the after math with me are skeptical, as are the ones that witnessed the aftermath with him. When everything is put on a scale the weight of pain is pretty much equal.

The last several years we were both put into situations that forced us to learn how to be alone. We were able to step away from the fire and see which matches we each lit, and how we ignited the destruction of the other.

When that happened the door to the future could be opened. What began as a deal to save our family home has only proven we were only apart to learn what we needed to learn so that we could come back bigger and better than before.

Yesterday I had a several hour tattoo session with a man we are both honored to call out friend. We've known him for at least a decade. He knew us before the spiral, he knew us. He has no agenda, as many appear to. It was good. He and I were alone for the 3 hour session and were able to really talk.

It was awesome to hear his genuine, honest, thoughts on the situation at hand. He saw it coming, he knew everything, yet he loves us both. He said we needed time apart to regroup, that he knew we always belonged together. He reiterated several times how happy he was that we were back, how he saw how happy we both are and we were meant to be, "just like in the beginning." I was amazed at his ability to stand before me knowing the total, and complete truth, and tell me we were made for each other.

Mind you, this is a man that knows both sides and is wise enough to basically say, "forgot those other people. They have no clue." He is also one that saw me at my lowest. He said, "Teri, this is a new chapter. People can get on board or they can get the f^@k out of your lives. This is your life, not theirs, and they need to mind their own business. The past is past. If they can't get over it, it's their problem not yours."

My friend, if you should happen to read this, know that you are, with out a doubt, one of the very few, perhaps the only, that was wise enough to allow us to be complete and total idiots, and truly be happy we are now one again. You see the big picture, and we love you for that.

xoxo

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He Asked Me To Close My Eyes And Walk

The trees were bare as I stared at them out of my therapist's window. They had dropped their stunning, vivid green clothing of summer that had long since died. They stood silently with their crooked, gnarled arms reaching high toward the grey sky. Life giving water clung to the fingertip like twigs and branches. Every minute or so several drops would fall to the ground and soak into the rich soil in which held their roots tightly.

In the book of Ecclesiastes King Solomon tells us there is a season for everything. This is in no way a religious, or Biblical, post, but rather an analogy.

Ecclesiastes 3

1.There is a time for everything,

and a season for every activity under the heavens:

2.a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

3.a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,

4.a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,

5.a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,

6.a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away,

7.a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,

8.a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace.

We've all lived these, all of us. As I watched the liquid nourishment fall to the ground in order to feed the root system of the trees, I thought of my life over the last few years. It's been a storm for all too long. While the storm that was is still surrounding me, it is calming.

The therapist startled me out of my thoughts with a request. He wanted me to close my eyes and allow him to lead me into a "meditation." Not a hypnosis type of thing, but rather a tool for letting go of hurtful memories, thoughts, and emotions. 

I closed my eyes and listened as he led me through the woods, seeing a creek, and watch autumn leaves falling to the water. He wanted me to see the leaves as the negative, hurtful, angry, thoughts, and to watch them as they floated the creek, went around the bend, and drift away. 

I did so, but being such a rebel, I didn't walk, I was on my Harley. I asked my followers of my fan page why they rode, but I never answered. I know now. I've done exactly what he led me through while on my Harley. I hear the sounds, I take in the scenery, notice things one would never notice in a car, I enjoy the smell of the fields and of the flowers. I have no thoughts during those times, I'm in the position to be stress free. 

It hit home in a big way. I spoke to my ex husband after the session regarding our son and while doing so I felt a compelling urge to tell him some things that had been holding me captive and unable to move forward in this new chapter I'm facing. 

So many things happened in 28 years, both good and bad, and I told him of some of my earlier mistakes that helped set the scene for the years to follow, he already knew of his. He had forgiven me, and yesterday I forgave him. I don't want either of us to hold on to bitterness, hurt, anger, or resentment. That will only hold us captive to the past. The past cannot be undone, but the future can be influenced by the past, and should, but I don't want it to in a negative way. He and I spoke of the things we did in anger and hurt before, during, and after, the divorce. It doesn't mean they weren't right on either side, but things where logic ends and primal nature takes over. They only caused more devastation for our entire family.

It's so very difficult to see when you're in the midst of the storm its causes. It's only afterward, in life's events, that we can look back, reflect, and put things into perspective. It's when we see why things happened, see mistakes made that turned into mountains, and an eventual landslide taking everything in its path hostage.

Was everything good in our relationship? No. Was everything bad? No. We agreed to make peace, throw the negative emotions, feelings, thoughts, and and any item that could possibly damage us as unique individuals, onto leaves in the river and watch them float around the bend of the creek, and out of our hearts, minds, and souls. Anger and bitterness won't, can't, change a thing for anyone, it prevents healing, and our entire family needs to heal. 

Forgiveness and letting go of harmful, hurtful, emotions, feelings, and thoughts, will only heal our souls, our spirits, and allow us to move into the next chapters of our lives a bit more pulled together, a bit more peaceful. Our family has experienced each of the seasons King Solomon wrote of centuries ago, and now, the war is over and it is time for peace. 

Thank you all for everything you've given me in this journey, thank you for understanding and waiting for me to see for myself, and thank you for not abandoning me during that long, long, storm. 

My family needs to heal, we need to make peace, if not for another for ourselves. We need to be healthy, happy, and let go of bitterness that will only cloud our futures and hold our hearts captive. 

Wow. I think I need a PhD. 

Sending love to you all,

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Hey Strangers!

It's been a long, long, time since I've written regularly, and I so miss the cathartic effect it has on me. Many times when I go to write I might have a vague idea of what I'm seeking to convey, or a nagging question in my gut that is answered by the end of my post. My writing was part of my therapy, part of trying to understand my chaotic world.

I've had many, many, emails asking where I've gone, what's been happening, and if I'm still living. Well, here I am. Fresh out of the shower, no contacts, no make up, but I did blow dry my hair, so give me a little break will ya? You can still tell it's me, see the Texas flag and I am wearing a Harley shirt. Same girl, just a year older.

Where have I been you ask? Well, it's been quite the eventful year. Approximately one week before my 27th wedding anniversary my marriage officially ended. I've made three moves, and am about to make another one. 

Here I sit, at 53 years of age, having only worked from home part time, attempting to decipher the uncharted paths before me. I'm wondering what in the hell I'm going to do. It's been anything but smooth, but each day brings more peace. There's much more healing to work through and I need to learn to look at the world with fresh eyes. I need to gain a feeling of worthiness, and empowerment. 

For years I have been in therapy, and treatment, for bipolar disorder, type 2, generalized anxiety disorder, and panic attacks. I've dealt with trauma after trauma since my grandson died in 2004. Many of you have been through the ups and downs I've endured in my life. It was a life filled with uncertainty in everything that surrounded me. I sought solace, and escape, from the world, from life, from everyone, and everything, and I went about it in the wrong way. 

The blog I began to help others gain the confidence to take control of their world, and not allow it to control them, ended up being some of the best therapy I could have ever asked for. You, yes you, have helped me see myself through new eyes. However, being in the eye of a storm is not conducive for writing logically, so I had no choice but to stop. 

For years I ran. I wasn't sure from what, but the running continued until recently. I was running from demons I couldn't, wouldn't, see. They were creatures my doctors tried, year after year, to get me to realize for myself. They hoped my eyes would be opened and my marathon would stop. I could then catch my breath, see my world differently, and deal with the monsters I had buried deep within my soul. Ones that were too painful to face. They finally convinced me, although BD2 is a piece of the puzzle, "severe PTSD" is the major piece and I need to deal with fitting into my therapy, into my life, and into my treatment.  

When I was down you encouraged me. When I wrote something that to me was normal I would get tons of emails and messages thanking me for saying, admitting, what others hadn't, or couldn't admit themselves. They told me they had no idea they weren't alone in their feelings. Those messages were life savers for me. The people that wrote me helped unseal my eyes. They helped me see that the way I was experiencing the world wasn't the norm, it was outside of the lines. I've never been an "in the box" person, and that's ok, but you all have helped me realize that I wasn't seeing things correctly myself. I'll never fit into others preconceived notions of how a person should be, I'll always have an adventurous spirit, but now I can work on seeing the correct way of living in technicolor. 

Yes I have tattoos, yes I ride a Harley, yes I have piercings, yes I'm outgoing and friendly, and you know what? That's ok. If people have a problem with those parts of me, it's their problem not mine, and that's ok. 

I'll be writing of many of those monsters. I need to confront them, get them out, give them a name, and rid them from my life. I also need to be respectful of others, and their feelings, while being transparent enough to, hopefully, help others to avoid the same rolling boulders my family and I have endured. 

xoxoxoxo

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Divorce, Pillow, Chocolate!

Tonight I have a post in list form.
1. Because I'm too pissed to actually write a paragraph.
2. I need a free hand incase I need to grab a pillow and hold it firmly in place over a mouth.
3. I have this bitch lying between my husband and me! My 4 lb yorkie, Martini.

A. Diva wants needs just a bit of chocolate.
B. I get out of bed, go to closet where it is hidden from the masses of rabid hyenas infesting my domicile.
C. It's NOT there!
D. EMPTY bag of M&Ms found on floor beside my husband's side of bed.
E. Wondering if eating all of the chocolate is grounds for divorce?
F. Maybe a pillow over his face will make me feel better.
E. Read on Facebook that daughter has CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES downstairs hidden from the matriarch (ok, I'm not that old, but I AM in charge) of this family. I'm pretty sure that's against some law somewhere. But then I'd get congress on my case if I tried to enforce it (JK ok JK)
F. I have taken an ambien and therefore cannot operate a car to actually go get my own. And after Gucci Mama's close call, I am NOT going out tonight!
G. I will sit here contemplating various torture procedures until the ambien takes over.
H. Due to the ambien I'll probably not remember a thing until I look at Facebook or this post tomorrow.
I. I'd say that everyone's pretty damn lucky I took an ambien tonight!

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And I'm still alive, I think

Highlights of last five years in a nutshell, or in this instance in a blog:


Oldest daughter has surgery and gets bad staph infection.

Daughter has major surgery to remove staph.

Oldest Daughter gets married.

Daughter has baby.

Daughter, husband, son and baby move in.

Kids find drug paraphernalia hidden in my garage.

Daughter’s husband turns out to be meth addict.

Daughter’s husband transmitted herpes to baby.

Daughter divorces druggie.

Baby dies at 12 weeks because of herpes.

We bury our grandson. He didn’t have socks on. That still bothers me.

Adopted daughter tries to destroy family and almost succeeds.

Adopted daughter diagnosed as psychopath.

Adopted daughter leaves and goes back to what she had known her first ten years.

Oldest daughter remarries.

She gets pregnant. Baby born three months early.

Two weeks later my mom is killed.

Live in NICU for three months with preemie baby.

13 months spent flying to Texas for 1-2 weeks a month to take care of Dad.

Autistic son attacks me and my husband four times in three months. Police called each time.

Autistic son taken to hospital three of those times.

We're now on first name basis with the police.

I was hit on my motorcycle. Bike was totaled. I didn’t walk for 4 months.

Dad found dead by my brother.

Daughter gets pregnant again.

Baby girl born three months early.

Three more months of NICU.

Granddaughter has heart failure.

Granddaughter has open heart surgery.

Adopted son forges our business checks and steals our medications.

Adopted son told to go to the military or be arrested.

Adopted son runs and throws away college scholarship.

I have melt-down.

I was diagnosed with Bipolar II

Autistic son suspended from school for protecting himself from bully.

Oldest son is the pedestrian victim of a hit and run.

Son found on side of road unconscious.

Son flown by LifeFlight to Emanuel Hospital.

Found out from youngest daughter that oldest daughter is moving to Texas .

Youngest daughter was told not to tell me.

I freak at the thought of losing my daughter and grandchildren.

Oldest son released from hospital and moves in with us for 4 months to heal.

Son-in-law is laid off work.

Son moves out.

Autistic son suspended again for protecting himself.

I seek counsel to enforce school’s anti-bullying policy that is being ignored.

Man that hit my son was indicted.

Daughter and family lose house.

Daughter, Son-in-law and kids move in with 2 dogs, a cat, a tortoise and some fish.

Our business loses 6 months of work in 2009.

Problems in marriage almost lead to divorce.

Worry about keeping our home of 12 years because of economy.

I found out my white blood cell count is low. Worry about leukemia.

Tests continue for me.

During all of this time oldest daughter has a dozen major surgeries.

Tonight man that hit son was arrested.

Man charged with B Felony.

Maximum ten years in prison and $250,000 fine.

I bet he'll plea out.

I think I’ll have some robin’s eggs, an ambien and watch LA ink.

Will be sleeping with four leaf clover, rabbit’s foot and fingers crossed.

Probably should get holy water, olive oil and a rosary.

Time for bed.

Tomorrow’s a new day.


these book titles made me laugh

   

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