If It Sounds Like A Duck

I'm not a hypochondriac. Well, maybe I am. See, I'm on a shit load of medications each day that are supposed to help keep my moods stable, take care of my anxiety, help the problems with my neck and back (that the lady on the cell phone that ran me over and totaled my motorcycle caused), and to help me sleep.

They all come with side effects and I've become hyper vigilant about all of that crap. In the last three years I've had to start and stop a myriad of medications all because of side effects. Right now I'm on a pretty good cocktail, I feel great most days.

But then cue the side effects. Some are minimal: headache, drowsiness, upset stomach, blah, blah, blah...

Some get scary: coma, death, and shit like that.

Then there are these for one of the medications I'm on:

• dizziness, feeling light-headed, fainting, fast or pounding heartbeat;
• fever, stiff muscles, confusion, sweating, fast or uneven heartbeats;
• fever, chills, body aches, flu symptoms;
• white patches or sores inside your mouth or on your lips;
• tremor (uncontrolled shaking), restless muscle movements in your eyes, tongue, jaw, or neck;
• agitation, hostility, confusion;
• increased thirst or urination, weakness, extreme hunger; or
• penis erection that is painful or lasts 4 hours or longer.

We can cross of the erection problem since I just don't have the equipment. Most of the others are crossed off too. But there is one that I'm a little worried about, "tremor (uncontrolled shaking), restless muscle movements in your eyes, tongue, jaw, or neck."

I've noticed this weird thing that started happening a few months ago and I'm a little afraid to bring it up with the doc. She's not only going to think I'm a freak, she may just lock me up in the Behavioral Unit in Adventist Hospital.

I can't believe that I'm even going to admit this to the whole freaking blogosphere. Now before I tell you, you have to know that it doesn't happen all the time, but it happens enough to freak me out.

I seem to have developed a quack. Yep, you got it, like a freaking duck. It's this weird thing with my tongue and the roof of my mouth. It's like a twitch in my tongue that causes this suction and then there's this quacking sound. It just happens. I have no idea it's coming and I can't reproduce it.

I was hoping that it wasn't noticeable to anyone else and then tonight at dinner it happened. My son's jaw dropped and he asked, "Mom, did you just quack?"

Holy Mother of God someone else heard it! All conversation stopped and I had four sets of doe eyes staring at me.

"Mom, you quacked?"

*kids trying to digest what was just said*

"Do it again! I want to hear it!"

"Does it sound anything like AFLAC?"

*hysterical laughter*

"Mom, come on.....I wanna hear!"

*pleading kids*

"You guys didn't hear her? She sounded just like a duck!"

All I could do was drop my head in my hands and wonder how in the hell I'm going to tell my psychiatrist that I have freaking fowl quack.