Freedom

When I think about it I guess we're all bound by something, but there are times I want to go back to the days before I was diagnosed with bipolar. I want to be free of the label. I want to just be me.

I want the carefree times of not having to count out meds, of not having to make it to psychiatrist appointments. I want the freedom to be what I thought was me, impulsive, daring, and outgoing.

Most of the time I felt I could conquer the world. I felt so good I knew if I had been younger I could have done back flips. I liked the adventure and the ever changing scenery of my life.

My psychiatrist would call those times "hypomania," and they came with a price. They came with the price of being chained to deep bouts of depression. They came with relationship problems. They came with bonds of the lure of self harm, of destruction.

Today, even though sometimes I wish I was in the days before the term bipolar entered my life, I realize I truly am free. I'm free of the bondage caused by the carefree times, the impulsive times, the throw caution to the wind times. I'm free of the depression that consumed me at times, that kept me in bed and away from the people I love.

I'm free to make my own decisions, not ones marred by an emotional roller coaster. I'm free to enjoy my life without damaging others or myself. I'm free in knowing my demons have a name and I'm free to conquer them.

Now I am free. Truly free.

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Pretty Damned Cool!

I received this email from a woman at a website called "Masters In Psychology" a couple of days ago:

I just published an article on my blog entitled "Top 50 Blogs About Depression" (http://www.mastersinpsychology.net/top-50-blogs-about-depression,) and I'm happy to let you know that I've included your site in my article.

At first I was all like, "Yeah, so what do you want?" Then I checked it out and my little blog is the first one listed under blogs about bipolar! It's actually number 26, but hey, it's first under the bipolar section! The site is actually wonderful and has some great resources for depression of all types. I highly encourage anyone dealing with depression of any sort to check it out.

She, Michelle Parsons, also said about my blog,  "A simple blog entry on the third birthday of her granddaughter alone makes the blog worth reading." You can read that post here. My regular readers know the story well. Anna-Grace wasn't supposed to live but she did and she's more than thriving. Baby Diva ~hey the name fits~ is kicking ass!


Michelle Parson's email got me to thinking. So here I am Diva-ing around writing under the name "The Bipolar Diva" about all sorts of stuff, but not much of anything about bipolar lately.


I guess there are a couple of reasons for that. The first is that I really want people out in the general public to realize that people with bipolar disorder are just like they are. We laugh, we play, we cry, we have jobs (unless you do the Diva thing like I do), we work out ( I still haven't figured out a way to get someone to do that for me), we have good days and we have bad days. We're people that unfortunately have this stigma attached to us that for the most part isn't true.

That's not to say that there aren't those that are severely affected, even disabled by bipolar, and those that choose not to keep on top of the medicinal cocktails that many of of us have to live with. But damn it, for the most part we're just like you, it's just that sometimes our good days and bad days might be a little more good or a little more bad than the typical person's.

Another reason I think I haven't written about bipolar recently is that I feel pretty great lately. I haven't had any swings, any depression and everything, aside from the economy and owning a business (sucks!), anyway things are pretty good for me right now.And I haven't had any ambien related shopping sprees lately.

Feeling so good kinda scares me a little. Since I was diagnosed I've become all too familiar with signs of the different states of bipolar. Generally I'm on the happy side of life, but when things are going so well I always wonder if I'm going into "hypomania."

I found this great definition of hypomania on the WebMD website:

"...it's tremendous ... ideas are fast ... like shooting stars you follow until brighter ones appear... . All shyness disappears, the right words and gestures are suddenly there ... uninteresting people, things become intensely interesting. Sensuality is pervasive, the desire to seduce and be seduced is irresistible. Your marrow is infused with unbelievable feelings of ease, power, well-being, omnipotence, euphoria ... you can do anything ..."


So for me, at the moment, the stars are shining and there are brighter ones in the distance. Is it hypomania? Is it the medicinal concoction I'm on? Or is it just that I'm here, I'm back and I'm doing ok? I choose to believe the latter, that and the fact that I have one kick ass doctor!


Until later,

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