Buried Alive

It's been a long, twisting, uncertain, path I've traveled the past few years, thus explaining my extended absence from writing.

I sit here, in my bed, with coconut oil in my hair, a dog by side, and one by my bed, as I reflect on all that has come to pass, all I have gained, and lost, through the trials and tribulations of years gone by.

I cannot say how thankful I am for all I have endured that has brought me to this place of peace, true peace, in my life now.

2008 was the year my fall began. I had endured much before that. I was on autopilot and unable to analyze the traumatic events that led to all that has happened, both good and bad.

Many of you know of much, but what you don't realize, as I didn't, was how much, in such a short time, had happened. In a short few years my daughter was stalked, and raped, one grandson died, a grandson was born three months early, my mother was killed, I was hit on my motorcycle, my father died, my granddaughter was born three months early, my son was left on the side of a highway as road kill by a hit and run driver, and those are only the tips of the iceberg I was dealing with.

There was much more in the equation that has brought me to this point. It's only been in the past few years I have been able to stop running from the demons that haunted me, and kept me on the run, and I have finally come to a place of peace.

I never knew why I ran, but ran I did. I knew what I wasn't running from, but it wasn't until about a year ago I finally realized what tipped the scales for me and sent me on a path that ultimately made me a better, stronger, person. I was finally able to see the full picture.

As I wrote earlier, my fall began in 2008. I had lost both of my parents and a grandchild and by that time and was numb. Then, only recently realized, there was an event that took me back to one of the most horrible moments of my life, seeing my first child, Noah, that wasn't allowed to take a breath before being violently brought into this world.

As I saw my premature granddaughter lying motionless on a table in the NICU, at the very gestational age Noah was when he died, a team of people trying to save her precious life, I was hit square in the face with flashbacks of seeing the lifeless, torn, body of my son. I had buried those images so deeply, and guarded them so fiercely, that they my mind could not recall them until I saw Anna-Grace's tiny body on the table.

That was the beginning of the trials and tribulations that have finally come full circle. I had never dealt with so much, I wasn't strong enough. I kept myself busy to keep my mind off of horrible things I didn't want to acknowledge. I numbed my mind by running.

Then something amazing happened. The running stopped. I found myself in a situation in which I was forced to be still, be alone, be quiet. My mind was quiet, and the boxes I had sealed so long ago were opened.

I made discoveries of ignored pains. I took each sealed box and forced myself to relive them, to look at them, to grieve. I allowed myself to feel the pain, I allowed myself to realize certain decisions were made because people thought they were doing the best for me. I realize that now, although the pain has never ceased, I understand as a parent why some things happened the way they did, and I was able to truly forgive.

Last fall I stepped back, after a session in therapy, and I watched. In doing so I learned. I stopped the denial, I felt the pain, I grew stronger. My eyes were opened and for the first time in years I saw clearly.

This February I received a toxic, venomous, letter from an embittered child that lit me up. I went to, who I thought was the source at the time, confront a person that had loved me though out all I had endured, all the pain I had caused, and all the running I did.

That dialogue opened a door, a door back to myself, a door leading me back to where I was meant to be all along. I believe my daughter would be mortified to know she was the catalyst God used to bring me full circle. It was through that conversation that God was able to begin to heal, not only me, but my best friend and our relationship.

It was through that conversation that God could begin the restoration that He alone is the Owner of. There were still obstacles to overcome, and difficulties to deal with, but decisions I needed to come to before the restoration could take place had already been made.

Once that long, sometimes painful, but very deep conversation took place, God was free to have us see His plan.

So much has changed these past years. I take it all as a wonderful blessing. My best friend of 30 years told me he thought true colors of those we both love would be revealed. He was right in so many ways. They have been and in doing so they have chosen to take themselves out of our lives and cling to their toxic ways.

I thank God for the trials, the problems, the complexities of the past, a diamond doesn't become a diamond without immense pressure.

I'm excited about the future. I'm excited to be the woman I was meant to be all along. I'm excited the veils have been lifted, at least for my best friend and me, to see clearly the motives of others. I'm excited to be peaceful, content with who I am, and I look forward to a glorious future that could not have been without the brokenness brought by the past.