Delusions, Hallucinations and Beautiful Minds

My daughter's condition has weighed heavily on me today. Maybe it's the reason I've taken so much valium today. I usually only take it at night to help with sleep, but I'm on my fourth for the day.

My husband and I decided, on a friend's advice, to watch "A Beautiful Mind," again. Wow. I see my daughter with her hallucinations and realized that she very well may have to live with them. In John Nash's fear I saw her fear. In his reality I saw her reality. Her hallucinations may have to become part of her "normal."

I hope not, but if so, I hope she can deal with them the way John Nash learned to over time.

I don't know what else to say tonight. I'm drained. I have a headache and I need another valium.

I'll try harder tomorrow. Good night all.

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It Started With A Text

For years on Christmas Eve all of my kids, with their kids and spouses, have gathered at my house for a night of gift exchanges, games, food, and laughter. While I was in the midst of last minute preparations for this year's party the kids began to arrive. I had no idea how drastically the night would change, or how fast.

The Bipolar Princess was the first to arrive with her family in tow. She looked good, the kids and her husband were happy and I took in a long, deep breath of relief in light of how difficult the past week had been with her spiraling behavior.

While we were sitting around the living room talking I got a text that read:

 "I feel like I'm losing my mind mom. All I can focus on are the frogs jumping all over everyone. I'm not going to let it ruin my night though. I'm just praying."

Things quickly spiraled out of control. The frogs became too much for her, the disassociation too great. She jumped at every sound, she heard ghostly voices calling her name. Tears begin to fill her eyes before spilling over her lashes and rolling down her beautiful face giving away her torment.

It was time to get her out of the chaos of children, laughter and frogs. Back in the familiar comfort of my bedroom she told her father she only wanted the pain and confusion to end. She wanted out of life and the hell that she had been thrust into by no fault of her own.

An emergency call was made to her doctor. She talked about checking herself into the hospital. We were resolved to keep her home and stand watch twenty four hours a day until the psychotic break eased if that was what was needed.

The doctor called back quickly. He called her pharmacy and ordered a massive dose of an anti psychotic and increased her mood stabilizer. I went through my pharmaceutical collection in search of something to calm her, to sedate her and to take away the suicidal thoughts, until someone could get to the pharmacy. I had a strong sedative that she had been on before. I filled a glass with cold water and handed it to her along with the mind quietening drug.

We waited until she calmed. We told her she couldn't leave us. We told her we needed her. We tried to change her thinking.

Trying to change the thought pattern of someone having a bout of psychosis it difficult at best, but we tried. Gradually it seemed to work.

After the medication began it's magic she was able to re-join the family for a bit. We finished the night early so her husband could get to the pharmacy to retrieve the medication called in by the doctor.

About an hour after she left I received another text that read:

"Just so you are aware, I made my husband let me go to the pharmacy alone to get my meds with the intention of buying a knife to end my life. I kept seeing the kids and hearing their laughs. I couldn't do it. NO way would I intentionally take my kids' mom from them. They NEED a mom. Anyway, I'm going to make a contract with you, my husband and my sister. I want everyone to know when someone needs to come pick up the kids. There are behavioral changes I have that need to be addressed immedieately, etc. I'm going to wait until after Christmas but it's something I feel needs to be done. Thank you so much for your support tonight. I love you. I'm so sorry for ruining the night and making it all about me."

Then another text:

"I'm feeling a lot better now, suicidal wise at least. I could NEVER EVER take the kids' mom away. It would ruin their lives. But that doesn't mean that those thoughts aren't frequent and intrusive."

I spoke with her several times today. She has a contract made for her closest family members to sign, so we know the signs to watch for that mean a break is imminent, so we'll support her and so we'll be able to get her help.

Hopefully it will never come to that. Her new psychiatrist is one of the best in the area and is diligently working to identify the correct cocktail to stabilize her. 

She's signed releases with him so he can talk to us if an emergency arises. She's making progress. She'll slip from time to time, as we all do in so many areas of our lives, but she's on the right track. This Christmas the greatest gift received was the awareness she gained during some of the darkest days of her life. 

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Guilty As Charged. I Wish I Could Take It Back.

You all know of my disorder......if you don't try reading the title of my blog, it'll give you a clue.
I have eight children. Six of which are adopted, two I gave birth to.

Bipolar is genetic. Two of my kids are predisposed to the disorder. When I was first diagnosed I wondered where it came from. I mean, my parents seemed normal enough. Then I remembered my father's alcoholism and his drug seeking behavior. Hmmm, could he have been self medicating?

His mother was a total lunatic. Sorry, there's no other word to describe her. She was a mean spirited, awful woman. She also had this deep seated paranoia.

Then, after re-connecting with my dad's sisters, stories of bipolar came out. I have cousins with it, cousins I've never met because my grandmother farmed all of her kids out except for my father. I wish she had farmed him out too. He would have had a much better life. But that's another story.

What I really wanted to write about was my daughter, Karli, and her struggle with Bipolar I. I have Bipolar II. It's not as severe as Bipolar I. I have no hallucinations, no psychotic breaks, but she does.

I know I'm not to blame, but I can't help but feel terribly guilty of the defective gene I've passed on to my princess.

She wrote a post of her hallucinations tonight, a very brave move on her part. I'd like to ask you to read it, to try to understand the terror she lives with and maybe encourage her.

Her blog is called "A Bipolar Princess." She's a wonderful, loving girl and I'm lucky she's mine. I just feel terrible I'm the one that's made her suffer.

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The Ambien Virgin Meets The Swinging Elf

In a palace far, far away in a village called Happy Valley, go figure, in a time long, long ago there lived this Ambien Virgin, I know, hard to believe these days right? Everyone that hasn't taken ambien please raise your hands....see no hands. I win.

This is going somewhere but first I have to make a side note: I was reading this new blog I found, or found me, well, somehow in bloggy land we connected and, well, I can't explain it, you're just going to go check it out for yourselves. It's called SSS Porch Party, and I so want to be a part of these people!

Anyway a post there reminded me of this yet unnamed, but totally known, Ambien Virgin. It had been a bad night. I'd like to say it was a dark and stormy night, and it was, only not with the weather. See, the Ambien Virgin and her King were arguing.

Not just "I'm gonna sleep on my side of the palacial bed with massive down pillows separating us," kind of argument. It was more like "I'm sleeping in the other chamber with the Bipolar Princess," type of argument.

This was after the Bipolar Princess had lost her youngest prince, the Ambien Virgin's grandson, to a horrible disease. The Bipolar Princess was staying in the palace trying to regain her sense of self and right her terribly wronged world.

The Bipolar Princess listened from her chamber. She heard slamming doors and loud voices. The Bipolar Princess had been through this drill before. She rolled her eyes, turned over and tried to sleep.

During the argument, and the huffing and puffing that ensued, the Ambien Virgin took a couple of ambien. Only one had been prescribed, but see, this Ambien Virgin sometimes plays fast and loose with the rules, kinda like Craps only with pills instead of dice. Then she stomped off to the chamber of the Bipolar Princess.

At this point in the story there are only flashes of memory of conversation with the Bipolar Princess. The Ambien Virgin was seeing things, specifically she was seeing an elf. Not just any elf, but an elf that lived in the wall and was swinging on the limb of a tree that was growing in the wall. Oh yes, bring on the ambien hallucinations.

The Ambien Virgin kept trying to get the Bipolar Princess to look at the elf, see the Ambien Virgin was amazed by the elf that lived in the wall. She wondered why, after all the years she had lived in the palace, she'd never before noticed the swinging elf.

The Bipolar Princess wanted nothing to do with the elf, but seemed annoyed with the Ambien Virgin's requests to look at the little swinging guy.

Finally out of a desperate need for sleep and a desperate need for the Ambien Virgin to close her mouth and go to sleep, the Bipolar Princess said, "Mom, he's always there. He comes out at night. Now SHUT UP about the damned elf and go to sleep!"

For some reason those words worked, and the Ambien Virgin didn't even scold the very naughty Bipolar Princess for swearing in her presence. The Ambien Virgin turned over, covered her head with a pillow....the elf might try to get her after all, and fell into a deep slumber.

The elf never re-appeared, although his presence is always felt.

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A Pile Of.....

I've been in trouble a lot lately, which is nothing new....remember the Ambien misadventure? That was just one misadventure in a long line of misadventures. Oh well, I'm me and that's just the way it goes. I'm damn near 50; it's not likely  my personality is going to change 180 degrees any time soon.

But today I made another realization, something my husband has been trying to get me to realize for years now. He does this by leaving a three and a half pile of shoes in front of the bedroom door so I have to step over them or trip on them and break my neck. I guess I could move them, but I have mentioned I'm stubborn too?

I have this really bad habit. Yeah, I know, who would have thought right? Well I have this habit of taking my shoes off when I come in the house. I don't know why. I'm certainly not trying to protect my carpet, it looks like I've raised a freaking cattle farm in my living room, and in a way I guess I have. It's probably just the Texas girl in me and I can't stand shoes on my feet any longer than need be. The problem is that I leave them where ever they happen to come off.

Every morning I search the entire upstairs for the shoes I knew I left in my bedroom. HA! I never leave my shoes in my bedroom. And my closet, well forget that. I have a PILE of shoes that I frantically search through every damn day. I pick up and throw shoe after shoe only to realize the ones I want aren't there.

This morning on my daily hunt I realized just how bad my habit was. So you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to show you. So ready or not here we go and remember, just remember, this is on a good day.

Just one. That's odd.

Oh, there's the other one in a pile of some more.

Love these.

Not sure why I didn't put these back in the box?

Rainboots, this is Oregon, remember?

Gross, wear everywhere sandals 

But on my way out of the house this morning after looking for the shoes I wanted:

Finally found them under a table and a chair in the living room. 

Anyway after I found them I was out of the door in a whirlwind to make my doctor appointment and I saw this:

None of these are mine.

Neither are these.

These were all in the entry way. I guess the difference is that I leave mine ALL OVER THE HOUSE.
PLEASE tell me I'm not alone!

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Lingerie And Trees

The very first thing I do when I wake up is reach under the pillow and grab the remote to turn on the news. Yes, it's under my pillow I'm that obsessed.

The next thing I do is check my phone for texts, emails and Facebook, once again I'm that obsessed.
The worst mornings, the ones that give me that queasy, OMG, feelings are those that have a crap load of emails in my main account.

I open the mail app with one eye closed as if I'm opening a letter from the IRS, yes, I've done that too. I'll go on record here on my blog and in full public view saying I think the IRS are nothing but glorified mob men out to break your legs, even if your bill is only $16.08, but that's another post.

Back to the flood of email in my main account. Usually that means ambien shopping, and boy I seemed to ambien shop last night.

The first one I looked at I seem to have flashes of memory of. It's a 7 1/2 ft white Christmas tree with thousands of white lights. I saw one the other night and thought it was really pretty. I guess I thought it was REALLY pretty 'cuz one is gonna show up at my door in a few days. That'll be in storage for the next year.

Then there was one from Bare Necessities. Evidently there was some Aubade lingerie I couldn't live without, I mean, who could, right? I can always send that back, maybe.

Everything else seemed to be presents for the kids, that's ok. Oh I hope I didn't pay any $99 overnight shipping fees. I was too afraid to read the emails all the way through. I did, however, click them all as read so I didn't have to stare all day at my iPhone seeing 37 new emails waiting for me.

Speaking of getting things in the mail, you have to go read throughbrowneyes latest post. She always make me laugh. I LOVE the way she writes. When I first met her I would have never guessed she would be so funny. I don't mean that in a judgmental type way, it's just that she presents herself as a cultured, athletic and all around great type of person. Thinking about it though, why wouldn't she write great? Greatness seems to follow her. Check her out. There's something mentioned in her blog I need, only for the bathrooms and my closet though. Well, come to think of it, I need it for the entire house. If you stop by tell I said hey.

Once again, back to my midnight shopping. From now on I'll turn off the computer, turn out the lights, put a pillow over my head and dream of one day waking up with no more ambien shopping notices.

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All Too Real

It's like nothing I've experienced before

oh I've experienced fear

 it's knocked on my door from time to time

fear of losing the house

fear of being manic

fear of the possibility of two of my grandchildren dying

fear knowing I would watch another one perish 

fear of my children being affected by my defective gene

fear of being me, living in my skin, living in my world

however I've never experienced fear like this before

it's all encompassing, enveloping yet elusive

I know it's real 

I know it has a face

I know it has a name but I'm not sure how

I feel it
I smell it
I sense it in my heart
it's beyond my grasp, but it's seared into my soul

its dark heaviness surrounds me
it's consuming me
taking my air
stealing my existence

I wait knowing any day could be the day

any moment, the moment

it has an all knowing smile, a twinkle in its eye

it has me in it's grips, its talons piercing my flesh

It's become my reality
my world

I sit, I wait

and I know there's nothing I can do

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I Can't Believe I Did That...

 

Today has been a totally laid back day.

If you've seen the movie you know that it's an action/drama with a bit of comedy thanks to the incredibly HOT Johnny Depp. I know, I know, but I LOVE the guy. Angelina Jolie is gorgeous, as always, and captivating.

I won't give the movie away for anyone that hasn't seen it, but I'm such a dork, a complete and total dork.

At the end of the movie when the safe is opened and the item is found, for some reason known only to God and the evil's of Hollywood, I got all choked up and teary. I COULDN'T EVEN TALK!

If you've seen the movie, you're shaking your head at the moment, embarrassed that you know someone one that would cry at THAT! It's ok, I'm embarrassed to be that person and to shatter my image as a "hold-it-together" kind of chick, well when I'm well medicated anyway.


Loser, total loser. I apologize to you all.

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I'd Never Do It! No, Really!

So I need a disclaimer for this post: To my Awesome psychiatrist that I saw today and to whom I revealed that I have a concealed handgun license, this is totally a coincidence! I heard the line on a TV show this evening and thought I'd see how many great friends I have, and I have a LOT! So, I have no intention of shooting anyone, ya know, just for the record.

You've all heard the saying "A good friend will help you move. A REALLY good friend will help you move a body."

I posted this as my Facebook status and my friends are hilarious! I love them. Had to share. Of course this is all hypothetical, especially if my psychiatrist happens to read this!

So here are the replies I received:

Teri ~

you know what they say "a good friend will help you move. A REALLY good friend will help you move a body." Just checking.....do I have any REALLY good friends out there?

 

‎:-) A mulcher works better than hiding a body

 

call me any time Teri, I have a woodchipper =}

 

Fargo...here we come!

 

where do ya want to take it

 

ya know Ron, hypothetical, just askin

 

Although Ron, I know this place outside of Santa Rosa, it kinda looks like a smurf house

 

I'll help you if you help me

 

It'll take a few days for me to get there tho...

 

An extremely good friend will help you take someone out from a few blocks away by using a sniper scope so that you don't have to deal with the body.

 

I like the way you think!

 

An excellent friend provides an airtight alibi, cell phone records, Nordstrom receipts, documentation that you did indeed purchase a waffle cone maker, and some glossies showing you kickin it with your old pal Tupac.

 

haha, _ _ _ _ _ ! You and _ _ _ _ _ _ _ WERE raised by the same parents! You two need to get your butts to Oregon!

          

LOVE it!

I get to be Madeline Kahn.

Ya gotta ask?!

I don't think you and I could carry dad, er, the body by ourselves......

Remember that old sleepover party game Light As a Feather, Stiff as a Board? We just need to get at least 4 people, so the weight will distribute evenly. I've got it all worked out. But we need some ski masks that aren't a polyblend. You know, for the pores.


I think I might be on probation LOL

Where's the body and do you have a good alibi while I move it?

you got my back, I got yours :)

You know it!

just message me where you want it dumped, and consider it moved, no questions asked

I'm lovin' my friends!

not only will I move it I have the land to hide it on and the coyotes to dispose of it

oh, coyotes, I like coyotes!

so love you!!!!

you need someone with Alzheimer's to help you, wait...who is this?        


   

Thanks to all the friends who have my back and made this post possible! I love you all! And Doctor....no worries...I would never need to move a body....I don't think so anyway? 

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Not So Sexy

Yeah, so this is what I've been doing all term. At least it's over in 2 weeks!

Hope you hang in with me, it's only a little longer. I'll space my classes a little better from now on.

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Suck It!

I'm really not sure what I was thinking. That's nothing new I guess, I seldom know what I'm thinking or was thinking. One of my kids is convinced I have early onset Alzheimer's. I forget his name, but he knows who he is.

I've been immersed in school. I think I mentioned it before, but I'm working on finishing a degree majoring in Political Science with a minor in American History. It's kept me submerged in books, papers, highlighters and post it notes.

In the middle of all of this, and since this is finals week, I've had little time to do anything. But you see, I had to do something. It seemed simple enough. All I had to do was make two phone calls. One to cancel my MSN service, that I haven't used in a year, and one to clarify a clause in a new life insurance policy for accidental death.

All in all it took me a FULL FREAKING DAY to accomplish these two seemingly simple tasks. 

I tried to tackle canceling MSN first. One phone call at most right? It seems canceling MSN is about as easy as finding the interest rate on your credit card statement. It took me nearly an hour and a half and SEVEN different people to have them click a damn button to cancel my service.

My last words to them, actually I think I used these exact words four times with four different people, "Just CANCEL MY BLEEP BLEEPING SERVICE!"

Finally when that was done I called the life insurance company to clarify this clause under exclusions:
"Will not pay if the insured person is under the influence of any excitant, depressant, hallucinogen, narcotic; or any other drug or intoxicant."


Alrighty then. The simple question was if this policy is nullified by my medicinal regimen. Easy enough, right? Apparently NOT! I take excitants for ADD, I take depressants for anxiety, I take hallucinogens (technically a hypnotic) to sleep, and see that little clause "ANY OTHER DRUG?" Yeah, see what I mean?


Six and three-quarters of an hour later I had an answer. I went through EIGHT departments and finally ended up with the head underwriter.

It appears that they left out a pretty important clause in my contract that states if I'm under the influence of any of these medications and they are the determined CAUSE of the accident, the policy won't pay. Since I'm taking all of my meds as prescribed I am indeed covered.

Yeah, I'm canceling the policy. If they can't even answer a simple question in less than 15 minutes with the help of one person I've kinda lost faith that they'll pay in the event of an accidental death. Bastards!

And MSN....suck it!

As for finals I have three essays to revise, three more to write and four exams. Again, I'm not sure what I was thinking.

Oh yeah. Thanksgiving, how could I forget? Here's a few of my favorite pics from the holiday! Who am I kidding? I have a HUGE family and being kind of a camera whore...I have a little more than a "few" pics.

Madeleine and CoCo

Tyson and Michelle

Me and Sara

CoCo

Pouty Pants

Me and Nikki

Me and Jake

Michael and Baby Jax

Josiah, Anna-Grace, Aiden, CoCo and Madeleine

Karli, Jax and Jakob

Karli and Michelle

Me and Jeremiah

Mad Maddy

CoCo and Nikki

Stealing Josiah

Jakob and Maddy

Anna-Grace, even the little ones have to help

Josiah

CoCo and Nana

Joshua

Justin and Karli

Jake is the turkey neck gobbler

And I made it through the day without Valium!

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