The Spell Is Difficult To Break

It's been a very long several days. I'm tired and emotional. I'm also angry, very angry, at myself.

Even though there were very good times in the past 27 years that will be cherished, I logically can see what the doctors had been telling me was true, but emotionally it's difficult to break away.

I find myself continually taking the blame, saying I'm sorry, falling into the same patterns I had fallen into for years.

Do I hate my ex husband? No, no I don't. It's confusing though, the emotional turmoil, the roller coaster, the still wanting to seek approval out of habit. The fear of being abandoned still haunts me, and I'll get more into that later.

I want to make sure everyone knows this is not in any way a "smear campaign," but rather speaking up for myself after being quiet for so long.

Is my ex husband a "bad man?" No, he isn't. I feel he truly believes what he says. I'm not out to degrade him in any way, but to work out what I've been through, and hopefully help others in the same situation see and re-evaluate.

I know this isn't really a "post," but I needed to "touch base," to tell my story, to heal and move forward with my life.

I will not deny he has done great things for me, and with me, but there was a side no one saw except the professionals, and it took them years to open my eyes.

I guess tonight I just needed to say I wish him well in his new life, I wish no ill will upon him.

I'm tired though. I'm tired of continuing to live in the shadows of untruths. It's time I speak, and it's time to heal, it's time to write, it's time to encourage.

Until later,