It Will Not Take Me Down

I thought about it, I did, I won't deny it. It comes with the genetic demons that haunt me, or attempt to haunt me. It's part of the path I've traveled for years in this life that I've learned, and am still learning, to navigate.

For a very long time, actually years, I haven't attempted it, though I have fought the urge to give into the ethereal peace it brings on several occasions. Many people know the peace that follows the intentional actions, many don't understand, they haven't walked in the midst of the oppression that bipolar, especially uncontrolled bipolar, can bring.

Medications, therapy, research, determination, and distractions have gotten me through times when self harm has tried to take control of my mind. I'm determined not to allow it to win. Some of the actions I have chosen as distractions are a form of self harm. They are acceptable by many, and are seen as taboo by others. For me, however, they are favorable. They are huge steps forward and signal that I can control my, once uncontrollable, actions. I am in charge, they are not.

Last week a bout hit me. I was almost overtaken by the overwhelming allure that dangled as a carrot before me. I had been blindsided with doubt, despair, rejection and the feeling of being alone. It was a simple incident, but the effect it had on me was shattering.

The thought did cross my mind, but only for a second. I breathed deeply and decided distraction was my only option, my way to control the urges that were trying to take me down into the pits of Hell and to the demons that fight for my soul. 

It was then I made a call, and set an appointment, to have my nose pierced. I've wanted it pierced for years, but was always doubtful. I then realized I had made my decision not to have it pierced earlier in my life because of what people might think. Well, I believe they would receive a tiny piercing in my nose much more than they would scars on my arm. I did it the next day, and I love it, I totally love it. One of my kids said to me the other day, "Mom, I was afraid when you said you were going to do that, but I like it, it's really is cool." Score!

While I was in the shop for the piercing, one of my tattoo artists looked at a tattoo he had done for me months ago. He said he noticed there were places that needed to be touched up. I didn't see any, but he did, so I made an appointment for today.

I was sitting before him, my arm resting on the padded table, and I watched intently as he put each item into its proper place. It was then I knew, even though the urge was no longer with me, that I was actually looking forward to the feeling of the needles of his gun as they embedded ink beneath my skin.

That realization had me perplexed. I felt great, I was doing well, the previous urges had been quelled by distraction. Then it hit me, the situation I had been faced with earlier in the week had not been resolved. Even though I had no intention, no thought, no plan of harm, I wanted to feel the comforting sting. The closer he lowered the gun to my arm, the more I felt the tension lifted.

With that first touch, I breathed deeply, I allowed my head to fall back, and I savored the release of the pent up emotion that was allowed to be discharged with each stroke the artist made.

Does that make me strange, a freak, or just someone that has learned how to control an unacceptable urge that happened to be gifted to me by a genetic defect?

I am the victor, I shall win this battle, and the ones to come. At times, I may slip a bit, but I am realizing more with each day how to conquer those times, how to recognize the signs before they take me in their talons, and turn the tables. It's a battle I'll always fight, but it is one that will not take me with it. 

With love, 

 

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Foreshadowing Or Emotion?

Simple emotion, or tales of things to come?

Sometimes it's difficult to understand, to discern exactly, which emotions on which to act, and on which to rest.

One thing I have learned though the years of life rocking torment is, generally, resting on those emotions is a far better way to cope with the undercurrent that seeks to pull me down, and take me with its power.

No longer is comfort found in sitting on the edge of the sterile, tiled, tub deck, holding a recently misused, cold steel blade, although they are just feet away, and gaze at the release of warm, red droplets as they form a trail that runs the length of my arm. Then seeing, feeling, them as they fall into a splattered pool on the hard stone floor.

It's difficult for others to understand how the thick, crimson ribbons take with them emotional pain and release immeasurable peace that floods the mind, soul and spirit.

For the last several years the temptation is one that has rarely entered my mind, and when it has it's only been for short flashes of time.

I'm in a good place, I can cope, even though the temptation lies only a few short feet away. Clinging to that good place can be a difficult task, but cling I do, for now.

  "The Letter"

All I ever wanted was some love and peace and harmony
I could dance in the raw in the sun underneath the stars
When I walk over to my money tree ain't nobody there
Trying to take from me
When they ask "Are you truly free?" I'd say "Yes, truly"
But down here in really everybody knows there ain't
No such thing
And It's clear
It's obviously this is not the place I'm supposed to be
On and on and on I've searched
What I'm looking for is not here on earth
I can't stand I can't take no more
So I know that I goota go
So long everybody
Mama don't be sad for me
Life was a heartache and now I am finally free
Don't know where I'm headed
Hope I see you someday soon
So long everybody
I have gone beyond the moon

All I ever wanted was some love and peace and harmony
Just to be live and shine
When I get ready I up and fly
And I can't remember none of the things that I want
To forget
It's the best - satisfaction no less
Ask if I'm free and I'll say "Oh yes"
But down here in really everybody knows there ain't
No such thing
And It's clear
It's obviously this is not the place I'm supposed to be
On and on and on I've searched
What I'm looking for is not here on earth
I can't stand I can't take no more
So I know that I gotta go
So long everybody
Mama don't be sad for me
Life was a heartache and now I am finally free
Don't know where I'm headed
Hope I see you someday soon
So long everybody

 

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Overtaken

It was late when I closed the laptop and all light vanished from the room leaving nothing, but the neon green numbers on the clock, that could be seen.

My eyes were heavy, and my bones weary, as I pulled the blankets up around my body, leaving nothing but the top of my shoulder exposed to the breeze of the overhead fan. I hoped sleep would soon overtake me, and I would be transported into a calm world, void of the constant movement and memories of the weekend. I closed my eyes, and settled in, with my left hand tucked under my chin, and my right arm resting beside my pillow.

The dancing thoughts in my mind were undaunted as I lay re-living conversations and activities of the previous days. I had a back up, as I always do when sleep evades me, but was hesitant to give into it's control over my spirit.

I opened my eyes, time after time, only to see the neon green numbers scream out to me how long I had been attempting to contain the thoughts, and allow slumber to take over my mind and soul.

The only movement I could feel was the in and out motion of my chest as I breathed deeply, in the hopes of banishing the clutter in my head.

Thoughts of my back up plan were haunting me, and I came close to reaching for the bottle, removing it's cap, and allowing several of the magical tablets it contained to slip into my hand.

It was then I felt movement next to me. It's presence startled me. It pushed thoughts of the white, oval,  pills from my mind as I concentrated on its motion.

Slowly I could feel something snaking over my bare skin, first touching my back, then gently sliding up to the crook of my hip and onto my stomach, where it stopped and rested, as if it had never left.

It was something not felt since the early months of the year. It was the warmth of human skin, the light, but comforting touch, of a hand that was reaching out in search of my presence, bringing with it the transference of peace and belonging.

Instantly my thoughts were quelled, and my spirit calmed. It was then I was able to forget the additional medication, and peacefully fall into a world of repose I so desperately needed.




 

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The Writing Was On The Wall

It's been so freaking busy, like, "when can I breathe?" busy, that writing has had to wait a bit, ya know, people in pain.....sometimes, I'm not saying all the time, but sometimes, need a little extra attention. Ahem, no names mentioned...yet.

I have not even a clue as to what day it is..is that a bipolar thing, a 50 yr old thing, or a blur of events thing? If you said, "blur of events," I love you! The rest of you...well, whatever, I love you too.

Evidently there is no doctor in the area that knows a doctor that specializes in rib-cage trauma. A bit funny, I think when after a little time online, I found an outstanding team of trauma specialists that have a very accomplished, though apparently, invisible rib specialist.

The accident was April 27th. That's what? 3 and a half months ago? That sounds like I'm counting or something.....

Jeff's pain level the other day was about 10. For Jeff, as so many know, meant he was in a lot of pain for him to even admit that. He also was short of breath, had a tight feeling in his chest, not great symptoms.

I called the rib clinic to see when they could get him in. When I told the nurse what was happening, she told us to get to the Emergency Department ASAP. It was strange, that after all the time that has passed, he was having that level of pain, and his shortness of breath could mean a collapsed lung.

Guess who dug his heels in? Yes, that would be correct. Finally when I explained all that she had said, he agreed to go, but said he would only wait 30 minutes then would leave with, or without, me. Wasn't too worried, I had the keys.

They got him right back in a room, and then the heavens opened. The MOST gorgeous doctor I have ever seen walked in. He was young, but he was, "I want your picture," HOT!

I looked at him and asked, "How old are you?"

"Twenty-eight ma'am."

LIGHT BULB! I have a beautiful 23 yr old daughter, he was 28, and freaking gorgeous, I had to find a way to get him her number, but SOMEONE in the room wouldn't let me....I mean that hot doc could be in our family and I'd get to look at him at all family occasions, and her Dad was holding me back? Clearly he wasn't picturing days at the beach with the girls being able to stare at the abs the doc most certainly had.

Oh, yeah, I forgot about Jeff for a minute. Hot doc ordered X-Rays. X-Ray dudes walked into the room and one had a very familiar style of tattoo. Me being me, I talk to anyone, and everyone.

"Where you get your work done?"

"Dead Gods Tattoo in Tigard."

"Joe does your work doesn't he?"

"You know Joe? Dominick? Eric?"

"Yeah! They do our work!"

Then Jeff had to interrupt my conversation and remind us, uh, me, that hot doc had ordered X-Rays. Ok, whatever. They took him, then he was back in a flash.

We waited a bit, then the doc came back in with an older doctor. They had puzzled looks on their faces.

"There's something in my gut that says we need to do a CT," the older doctor said, at least that's what Jeff said he said. I was too busy planning my daughter's wedding, and pretending to see the abs that were most definitely under hot doc's shirt.

He continued, "The film shows you have 8 broken ribs, and lots of other fractures, they all appear healed, but I really feel we need a CT."

Back they took him. He was back in the room in a flash and was squirming.

"Are you in pain?"

"No, I have to pee!"

"There's a bathroom behind the curtain."

"Ok."

I sat there, listening to him pee...and then nothing. There was total silence and then I heard, "OH NO!"

"What?"

"It says in HUGE letters DO NOT USE TOILET! What am I going to do now?"

"You still have to pee?"

"Oh yeah."

"Well finish. What's it going to hurt at this point?"

Then he did his thing, came back into the room, looking a tad embarrassed. "Teri, what if the toilet is broken? What if I flush it and it overflows?"

I just looked at him. Then he began laughing, then harder, then to the point where he couldn't breathe.

"What's so funny?"

"Go find a vending machine and see if they have a Baby Ruth. I'm going to drop it in the toilet."

Ok, it was my turn to be the adult, "The hell you are!"

He kept laughing.

Finally the doctors came back. They had puzzled looks on their faces.

"Four of your ribs are healed, and four are not even close to touching. That's weird, they should have knitted together by now. The Trauma clinic will have this CT and the specialist will go over it in more detail than I can."

"Your lungs are good. No pooling of blood, no clots, no trapped air. They are ok, for now. If you have ANY of the same symptoms, or ones that are worse, get back in here as soon as you can."

I looked at Jeff with pleading eyes, ya know, to give Hot Doc our daughter's number. I could tell by his look, I would be buried beside the guinea pigs in the back yard if I said a word. He spoils ALL of my fun!

Then a nurse came in with discharge papers. He read them, signed them and as she was about to leave, I got a bit of revenge.

"Ma'am?"

"Yes?"

"He peed in the toilet."




 

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