Unpredictable
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
They were wild, unpredictable, fun, creative and so, so dangerous. I miss them. I miss them more than I can say.
They were the days before mood stabilizers entered my vocabulary and, more importantly, my mind. I have a love/hate relationship with the white pills the size of dimes stacked three high.
I love them because they keep my moods stable. They keep me from the lows and from the self harm that seemed all so normal at the time. They keep me from making bad choices and from impulsive behavior. They tend to keep me on a good path emotionally.
I hate them because they do keep my moods stable, sometimes almost flat lined. I miss the highs, the days where anything was possible. Most of all they've seem to have quelled my creativity. There are days I don't know where it went, or when it left. I miss the creativity most of all. I miss the projects, the painting, the writing, and the ideas.
But mood stabilizers are a necessary evil. They keep me sane, they keep me out of harms way. They help me make better decisions but they make it so much less fun.
There are those days I consider stopping them all together, but then I remember the darkness that will follow the mania and realize I can never stop them.
We're going to have to learn to live together because life without them isn't an option.
18 comments:
A classic love-hate relationship, Diva. I so clearly understand. Particularly the flat-lined moods, and the feeling that something has "quelled my creativity."
I am hoping to get off these medications, which are different from yours, and also like yours. I believe that departure is possible. Perhaps sooner than I had hoped. But I am not there, yet. I may never get there.
Blessings and Bear hugs, Diva, when you're so in a sad, drugged-down state.
This post really hits me hard Diva. Sometimes I wish I could just get off all of the medication and try my best to live life in a stable way without their assists. They kind of block my emotions and feelings in certain ways and sometimes they make me feel very flat just like they do for you. Breaking off them is a scary thought however, one that I can't see materialising for a very long time.
I am in the same boat with you. I miss the highs, but I sure as hell don't miss the lows. I wonder if this is what 'normal' feels like? I guess it's a close to normal as I will get.
Just wondering if you would share what you are taking? I've been on lithium, epival (valporic acid), and a few others i can't remember the names of and none of them are working for me right now :( I'm currently not even on one...just anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, and other pain medications, but if i could find something that worked, (and didn't make me gain 50+ lbs), it would be great!
They also help you with life's cruelties and twists. But I know others have said the same things you are. You feel changed from the person you knew.
Remember you don't have to go back to know those experiences contributed to the wonderful person you are today.
I so know what you mean! My life is so much better now that I'm more stable. I'm much easier to live with. I'm more productive at work, which helps keep me employed (and helps pay for the pills). But I almost fear getting creative or excited, because I remember all the hell that came with that in the past.
Life is better now. Not perfect. Some sad holes. But still better.
Thank you for sharing your journey.
I hate being bipolar. It's Fantastic!
Doug is the same way. He misses the giddy happiness of his highs, but the lows are too terrifying. Especially since he is dating a girl with kids. He loves kids and the thoughts of flipping his crap on them because he didn't want to take his medication scares him. He would never forgive himself if he hurt a kid. ever.
I don't believe your mood stabilizers left you devoid of creativity. You're still creative.
Andrea, I'm in lamictal
I just recently went two days... just TWO DAYS without my Seroquel. Oh, I was so cranky and irritable... and then when I finally got that RX refilled and took one to start building back up... it made a whole WORLD of a different. It's shocking how different I feel. I felt like I was in the most peaceful state I have ever been in before. So chilled out. So clear and fuzzy. Now I know I can never ever be without those meds of mine.
hugs <3
Geodon is the med that made me feel "normal" for the first time in years. The lamictal is good for keeping my moods in line but without the Geodon I feel like a zombie....boo.
So when you're "up", you're REALLY up, and when you're "down" you're REALLY down. The mood stablizers just keep you level....and bland. Too bad you can't tweak the meds a little to leak a little of that "up" out without making you crazy.
That would be awesome Pat!
All this reminds me of the Grand old Duke of York with his soldiers:
And when they were up, they were up,
And when they were down, they were down,
And when they were only half way up
they were neither up nor down.
Blessings and Bear hugs while being the the middle.
You seem strong in spirit and your understanding of your total situation though so as long as you remain the 'BOSS', then I'm glad you have the meds to soften life's sharp edges! W.C.C.
Oh, it's not fair that it has to be that way for you *hugs*
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