City Sidewalks

Twinkling lights, laughter, and raindrops, filled the small downtown area of the beautifully lit City of Bridges this Christmas Eve. I watched as families with shopping bags overflowing with last minute gifts smiled, puddled jumped, and danced, beneath the gigantic Christmas Tree in the town square.

Inside of my car I was insulated from it all. We drove with a purpose, slowly, block by block. Raindrops would splatter on the windshield obscuring our view, but we searched in spite of the distractions.

We drove by the homeless that were huddled together waiting for shelters to open. We studied the faces, the posture, the stance, of those we saw. None belonged to the man I was looking for. None were my son. None belonged to the boy-man with many challenges in life that led to his choice to live in the maze of pavement he now calls home. 

At one point, against advice, I jumped from the car to speak with several of the people that make the streets their home. They knew my son, most do because of his ability to befriend anyone anywhere, but they hadn't seen him in weeks. I begged them to please ask him to call his mom if they should run across him.

I kept listening to the voicemail left several days earlier, "Mom I've been in and out of the hospital for the last few weeks. I wanted to check in. I love you." He's always checked in. He might go for weeks at a time, but he's always checked in, especially for holidays, special events, and then again just to say hello.

Finally with darkness falling we left the city for the suburbs, back home. Part of me was hoping he would be there waiting, although I knew he wouldn't be, but the heart of a mom never gives up hope for her children.

When we arrived home lights were out, no one was there. My heart sank. Thoughts of him occupied my mind all last night, and then again today. I checked all of the jails, the hospitals, and, finally gathered the strength to call the coroner's office. I had to leave a message and a detailed description of the boy I carried on my back for two years as a baby, and as I described the red, heart shaped, birthmark on the back of his neck as tears rolled down my cheek.

The voicemail haunts me. He sounded so hollow, beaten down, and hopeless. It made our search all the more fervent. The more we looked the more I felt the hope drain from my spirit, and the more I felt my heart break. What scares me most is the pain he feels. He feels worthless, less than, and unwanted. I've read journals he left behind and I know he wants to leave this Earth and be free from the obstacles he faces.

We'll be out again this weekend looking for the curly headed smiling guy with the infectious laugh, and we will wait for the return call from the coroner.

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Hidden Treasures

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One never knows what they’ll find when they open an old taped up box, a stuck drawer, or even looking through thousands of pictures stored on external hard drives.

I’ve not been well recently and have been lying in bed for the majority of a couple of weeks. Most of that time sleeping, however, yesterday I only slept 13 hours so possibly things are on the upswing?

Boredom skips hand in hand with lying in bed so those are things I did, besides beginning the Sopranos again.

I opened a box filled with framed family pictures, photo books and cards. The first item I came across was a sterling silver book with pictures of my tiny angel grandson, Isaiah, when he was alive.

The invitation to his shower was in there as well as the handout for his memorial service. There are pictures of him awake and beautiful before we knew he was sick, and many, many more after we found out how sick he was.

I’d forgotten how much hair he had. He looked as if he had a black knitted cap on his tiny head, but it was beautiful baby hair, a lock of which I have with me still. He was such a gorgeous baby, and my daughter was so incredibly beautiful in the pictures staring into the eyes of her second child. It was hard to look at, but comforting all the same.

On the hard drives I found lots of photos of my mother with my grandson Jakob. She loved him so much. He had such a mischievous smile in each picture and a head full of dirty blonde curls.

I found files and files of both Karli and Michelle’s weddings. One of my favorite pictures is one with Karli sitting on a barstool watching my mom make meatballs for the wedding. We were all exhausted, but my mom kept working into the night before the wedding.

Then I came upon pictures of my mother’s funeral, my dad, my brothers, and of my last goodbyes to Mom.

Finding pictures of my mom, and of Isaiah, that I didn’t know I had, was one of the best gifts I could have received. After writing this I think I’m going to start in on the other hard drives waiting to be explored and see what hidden treasures I find. 

xoxoxo

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It May Be

It'll probably be awhile until I'm able to write again.

I'll spare you the details, but I will say my son has been taking very good care of me in this most recent situation, and I'm sure he will continue to do so.

Be in touch when I'm able.

I love you guys,

Teri

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It Is What It Is

I might be gone for awhile, not really sure.

I've been pretty sick for sometime now. We've been trying to figure it out.

Too tired to get out of bed. Sleeping 18-20 hours a day is BS.

No feeling in one foot and loss of feeling in the other.

Losing weight again.

Can't think, can't pee, can't walk straight, can't breathe, my back is killing me.

They drew labs again yesterday and filled me with meds.

Next step is getting another MRI scheduled.

Kidney function isn't good and if the one is bad it has to go.

Labs from yesterday should be in tomorrow.

Labs a couple of weeks ago showed some normal readings, but some not so good. 

Tired of being sick, tired of continual labs and tests and tired or worrying what the hell is going on.

Later,

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Solace

It was unusually warm in our dimly lit room room. I felt the breeze, in the late hours of the night, gently stirring the air surrounding us. I stared blankly at the solid cherry wood doors of the closet. I  focused on the crystal knobs that adorned them and wished their clarity was one in which we could live.

Sleep was elusive that evening. I was restlessly lying on my left side, the soft cotton sheets and cream and teal colored quilt were covering my hips, leaving my bare torso to be cooled by the ribbons of air wafting though the room from the opened window. The whispering air caused the drapes to lightly dance leaving their shadows on the wall.

My left arm was stretched above my head and curved back with my hand resting on my long blonde, tousled, tresses. I had my right arm wrapped gently around the goose down pillow by my side. My hand was peeking from the top of the pillow and was relaxed against my chin.

I could hear the deep breathing next to me. I felt him stir and turn toward me. Suddenly his arm engulfed me and pulled me in close. I felt the warmth of his soul touching mine. He grabbed my left arm, removed the pillow and held my bent arm tightly to my body enveloping me in his strength and protective love. 

Instantly I calmed and snuggled in as closely as was possible. I felt his heart beating on my back as he nestled his face tightly into my neck. His rhythmic breathing on my exposed skin was soothing as it gently lifted the golden locks that had fallen across my neck. 

I smiled and thoughts of solace and safety filled my mind. Within minutes I was asleep. The slumber that fell upon me was deep, and much needed, after the week we had endured.

I awoke as I sensed the sunrise. I turned and he was gone. I studied the crumpled sheets he had been under and grabbed his pillow pulling it to my face so I could take in the scent he had left behind. I smiled remembering the security and love of the night before and I knew the day to come would surpass my expectations.

xoxo 

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I'll Get You

I'll rev the engine, bring my bike to a speed where angels can easily take over and help me soar into the Heavens to see the child.

I can see him climb aboard with a gigantic smile, and we'll fly with the current made by creations of our Savior.

I'll see you soon lil' one. You'll know me instantly, for I'll be holding the extra X and the O I placed in your tiny, lifeless hands just before you were lowered into your earthly resting spot.

Looking forward My Angel,

Much love,

Nana

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He Got My Mind Off Of It

Several days ago I was stung a gazillion times by swarm of aggressive wasps that pretty much put my ass out of commission for several days.

I'll write about that when the swelling is gone from my hands and typing will be easier. This is the first day I felt better so I grabbed the kid, stuck him on the back of my pink Harley and off we went.

The kid really wanted to go so he made mommy poached eggs and pancakes

 

Ready to roll

"Hey, it's a Harley."

This is more the kid's speed right now

He'll be riding ONE day

"What? You actually let me wear a little kid's helmet?"

 

Ok folks time for steroids, lidocaine, ice, and feet up.

Later, xoxoxo

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I Miss You

I miss the way we'd go for coffee and spend hours talking.
I miss the way you would tell me things no one else knew.
I miss the sparkle in your eyes as you told things you were passionate about.
I miss the way you laughed at your own jokes until you cried.
I miss how you removed your glasses to wipe the falling tears from laughter.
I miss the way you looked at me.
I miss how proud of me you were.
I miss sitting doing nothing, just knowing you were near.
I miss how much I meant to you.
I miss your wisdom.
I miss your sense of humor.
I miss sitting on the back porch talking about any, and every, thing.
I miss your blue eyes looking at mine.
I miss how you warned me.
I miss how you listened to me, even when I rambled.
I miss how you heard me, you really heard me.
I miss how you told me what you saw, even though I didn't at the time. 
I miss how you gave me hope when there was no hope. 
I miss you telling me you loved me.
I miss you Daddy, and I always will. 

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I Was Told It Was Impossible

I was told it was impossible, but as you can see, it wasn't at all, not in the least.

All it took was a few hours, a bit of work, thought, team effort, and about $10.00.

Here it is, it's amazing, and we love it!

Let's begin!

Sizing it up.

The Pup approves

Joshua died

One rock at a time, one brick at a time.

Now for the travertine

Like a puzzle

A little direction. Joshua was so helpful!

Patience

filling the cracks and finishing up the puzzle

See, I helped

Sweeping in the sand

Final touches

We have fire!

Martini loves it!

Beautiful perfection for under $10.00

Perfect for the party this summer, and wonderful evening memories of summer nights in the North West with a fire, blankets, great company, and marshmallows.
 

Happily,

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