It's been awhile, I know. Sometimes life gets in the way. Our passions must be set aside, and we have to ride the waves we encounter. We are pushed into survival mode, trying to stay afloat, gasping for air, as the under current does its best to pull us into a depth of which we cannot be rescued. While in that mode, tunnel vision prevails, and peripheral vision fades.
There are things you can change, things you can't, and things that take time for the sand to settle on the ocean floor, so that we can see though the murkiness of the thrashing waters.
Personally, things have been up and down, good and bad. However, it's in those times that are difficult, true friends, and family, are revealed. New relationships are formed, and toxic ones severed.
I've been amazed, and confused, by the number of people that have come up to me and told me things I didn't, couldn't, see until recently.
The first person totally took me by surprise. She was not really a friend, but an acquaintance, that has known me for several years. I've always loved her. She's beautiful, intelligent, honest, and obviously observant.
About two weeks ago I ran into her for the first time in ages. What she had to say to me was so unexpected that I could only stare at her in amazement. She was spot on. I asked her how she knew. She said she had watched me for years, and she saw through my bubbly, outgoing self, and deep into my reactions in certain situations. She said she recognized herself, in what she saw, years before. I think about her words, and discernment, everyday. Now we have a bond, a trust, an understanding, that cannot be broken.
She was the tip of the iceberg. As things leaked out, through sources unknown, others followed suit, all with the same perspective. All have known me for years, and all had seen things I didn't want to admit to myself, until recently.
As they explained how they felt during their personal situations, they described my life, my actions, my feelings, in ways that awakened me, and validated what I had hidden deep within my soul all along.
Then more, although not having been through my situation personally, saw signs, actions, and reactions. They weren't in the murky waters, they clearly saw the grip of the under current I was in.
At first I felt incredibly foolish for not recognizing it myself, then the more I thought, the more I searched, the more clarity I gained. There was no way I could see it, I felt something, but I wasn't sure what it was. I didn't know where the core of the feelings came from. As I look back, everything makes more sense, the pieces of the puzzle have fallen into place.
Recent events have only magnified the reality of what I was told, things I have learned, actions I had taken, and the physical, and emotional scars that remain.
Today, out of the blue, I received a message. At first I was afraid to read it, but I did. It was when I got to the second sentence, I lost all attempts of composure. I read the message time, and time again. With each reading, the tears fell more heavily, and soon turned into that cry. You know the one, the one where you can't catch your breath, you can't speak, and you shake uncontrollably. All of the tightly bound emotion was released, and continued throughout the day.
Relief flooded my spirit, and my soul. Instead of defending, and fighting, for myself, another person was behind me, fighting for me, defending me, pulling me out of the depths of the swirling water that was swallowing me, and was doing so vigorously.
The revelation has been bittersweet. There are people I dearly, unconditionally, love that have been pulled into the murkiness of the water I had been fighting. I can fully understand their mindset, it's the same I had when the waters had swallowed me. One day they will emerge, the dirtied water will be clear, and they will be stronger for what they are unknowingly being pulled into.
In the depths of night, on the shores of a vast ocean, only the dark side of the moon had been seen, but when the time was right, light fell upon the heavenly sphere, and the brightness of that light was reflected on the settled sand, illuminating paths not before seen.
Lovingly,
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