They Should Post Warnings For People Like Me

I saw it. I liked it. I bought it. Should have been the end of the story, but nooooooooo, not in my house, not in my world.

I really didn't think it through, which was evident yesterday afternoon. It's an absolutely beautiful Free People "Belladonna" dress. And that, is where it all began. Well, actually it began with a half bottle of wine, a credit card, an Ambien and the most dreaded symptom of hypo mania.....insomnia.

Wine, Ambien. hypo-mania, insomnia, a credit card and a lap top mean things tend to show up from time to time that I have no memory of purchasing. Oh, I have to admit something else showed up today. It's in the back seat of my car, waiting. It's waiting because I'm too afraid to bring it in the house and too in love with it to send it back. So, patiently it waits while I come up with a reason to justify it remaining a member of the family.

The night I ordered the dress I should have read the description a little more closely, or maybe pictured the description with clearer vision, before I clicked "purchase."

"Crochet high-low dress with "V"-neckline and crisscross straps in the back."

Sounds simple, right? The clues are all there, "crochet," "high-low," and, "crisscross straps in the back." They were proudly displayed beside the picture of the much coveted dress.

Simple. To the point. And so very dangerous.

The UPS guy rang the bell, Nikki ran to the door and grabbed the package. I asked her to open it.  When I looked at the dress, as she shook it out, I thought it might be a little too short for me in the front.

"Mom, go try it on. I'll tell you if it is too short and if it is I'll buy it from you."

Sounded like a perfect plan at the time. I grabbed the dress, went to my room and began to undress. When I was ready to try the dress on, I remembered it said, "crisscross straps in the back."

No problem, I had it. I fooled around with it for a few minutes, trying to get my arms through the correct straps, so the crisscross would actually be in the back and the "high" part of the dress in front. It also has a slip lining. Crisscross back, slip lining, always a bit tricky. You'd have to be a girl to know that I guess.

I finally thought I'd figured it out. Got my arms and head through the straps of the dress, then the next over looked danger sign, "crochet." Oh, Lord God in Heaven.

I wear a Tiffany bracelet on my right wrist, and on that bracelet dangles a jet charm that has propellers that spin. It''s to remember my father, a jet pilot. The problem with that charm is that it tends to get caught on my clothes. Yep, you got it.

Crochet and jet propellers do not mix. I ended up in the precarious position of the dress half on, arms all twisted over my head, I couldn't move. I couldn't get the charm out of the crochet. I couldn't do anything. I yelled for Nikki to come to my aid and try free me from the giant tangled mess of black crochet, straps and jet propellers.

It took her a minute, but she was able to work her magic and free the propellers from the fabric without damage to either. Then I wriggled into the dress, pulled down the lining and something wasn't quite right. It fight strangely. I couldn't get it straight.

"Mom, I think you might have it one sideways. I'll look for the tag."

She found the tag, and sure enough, hands and head were put through the wrong straps. I thought it would be easy to just take my arm out, twist the dress and all would be good.

As if! The dress is made to be form fitting, meaning tight.  I tried to get my arm out and it wasn't happening. As I tried to remove said arm, I began to spin in a circle. Nikki was laughing hysterically. The more I tried, the more I spinned, and the more Nikki laughed.

Then I lost my footing and fell into the counter top, still all tied up in the beautiful, crocheted, high low dress with the crisscross in the back.

"Mom, STOP! You're going to fall into the bathtub and kill yourself!" All this said while laughing to the point of crying. She has a bronchial infection, so her laughter sounded more like a barking seal. She couldn't catch her breath. She was bent over at the waist, laughing, crying, and barking.

She laughed herself nearly to death as I struggled. Finally I was able to get my arm out, turn the dress, pull down the slip, and was able to see how it looked. It looked great! It was short in the front, but not too much, it would be fine. It fit perfectly. I loved it!

Then, well then I realized I had to take it off.