My Old, Familiar, Friend

It's been ages since I've written. Life's been chaotic and peaceful bound together by The Master's Hand. Coming back to this page is like meeting with that friend. You know, the one you haven't seen in a decade but pick up like you were never apart? That's how I feel here.

For so long I found comfort in my love of the craft, the movement, the flow of our written language. Arranging sentences, words, punctuation, is calming to my soul, my spirit, and to my mind that tends to get jumbled with life. Thoughts that tend to do nothing more that bounce through my brain can be put down, processed, examined, and prioritized.

The last month is a blur of events. There have been enormous blessings as in the birth of our beautiful granddaughter, hearing the excitement of my son's voice, and knowing he's totally smitten with both his wife and their first child.

There was the perfect celebration of the restoration of our marriage, and our 30th anniversary, trip that was beyond amazing. It was as if the stars were aligned and everything came together, as we believe, was God's plan. On that trip we found my husband the perfect replacement wedding ring. He lost his about 10 years ago and nothing we saw was "right," until the appointed time. The ring is a true testimony to our journey through hell and back and, to us, is yet another sign we have come full circle and are indeed in the place we were intended to be. The ring is big, bold, and beautiful. It was inspired by Ecclesiastes 4:12, "And if one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart."

It has a cross, an infinity sign, The Alpha, The Omega, and an onyx stone on each side of the cross that symbolize the two of us, held together by the Cross of Christ, and surrounded by The Alpha and The Omega that has held, and will hold, us together.

There have been health issues in our family that have had to be dealt with quickly, and there are more coming soon. One of my children is facing a situation that frightens this mom to the core. My husband was rushed into a life saving procedure and is doing well now.

I had double ear inner ear surgery last week that has apparently failed so I get to go through a more in depth surgery to repair that, as well as getting ready to go under the knife, and laser, of my neurosurgeon as soon as can be scheduled. To top it off we're still waiting on the results of the Holter monitor study I underwent. 

Yesterday and today I've been unusually emotional. Tears have run freely from the corners of my eyes and down the curves of my cheeks, my thoughts scattered, and sleepless nights endured. I thought it was the flurry of recent activity and the deep sadness this time of year brings.

Father's Day, my Dad's birthday, my severely mentally ill, homeless, son's birthday, the anniversary of the death of my Mom, and the birthday of our grandson in Heaven. Those are dates that seem to make this a difficult time for me personally.

Tonight, as I sat crying, for no apparent reason, it hit me that in the attempts to get me physically through until I can have the more challenging inner ear procedure done, the doctor put me on prednisone. A light bulb went off. Thank goodness it did as I felt I was coming undone. I researched the side effects because medications tend to affect me in strange ways. As I read through the literature I was finally able to understand where all this unusual concoction of emotion was actually coming from.

Although I'm sure this time of the year is affecting me, the "get you through," medication appears to be responsible for the majority of what I've been experiencing. Unfortunately prednisone is not a medication you can abruptly discontinue, it has to be tapered. Fortunately only two days remain.

It's unlike me not to read through side effects because of my strange reactions to so many in the past that greatly contributed to my erratic behavior in years gone by. I was fearful because it felt as if I was again on the brink. Which terrified me because I'm certain I'm in one of the best states of my life.

There's no drama, no negativity, no arguing, no mood swings, just peace, solidarity, and certainty in our lives these days. When the prednisone ends I know the effects will end. Then I'll get through the next two surgeries and we'll stand by our child that is facing a potential health crisis. We had to laugh at the words that were spoken after our baby's doctor's appointment yesterday, "You know what I was thinking during the exam? I know I may die, everyone dies and I'm ok with that. What was going through my mind was, 'Crap! This is going to be expensive!"

On the flip side, we've all learned that God does have us held tightly in His hands. It's all going to be just fine.

xo,

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First Written, Now Spoken

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The Journey

As I laid sleeping in bed yesterday morning, buried beneath fluffy down comforters and my head between pillows of the same, my slumber was interrupted by a voice. I struggled to pull myself from a deep state of sleep attempting to comprehend, not only the voice I was hearing, but the words that were being spoken at such an early hour.

As I turned, and adjusted the pillows, I recognized a soothing voice from the past and as I realized the words being spoken had been written centuries ago my spirit calmed. It seemed as if I snuggled into my cocoon more deeply and a peace fell over me as I listened to the words of the first chapter of Ephesians being read aloud by a man I fell in love with 29 years ago.

So strange is the journey of life with it's twists and turns, peaks and valleys, that to think of trying to convey to another the tale of how the best friend I have ever had and I went through glorious, unforgettable times, into the pits of hell, only to return to each other with a deepened respect, much more wise, and the realizations we have both come to understand, is daunting to say the least.

I am, as is he, still attempting to come to grips with the fact that our last few years have brought us so much closer than could have ever before been imagined. I get the fact that many people only know my side of the story, or his side of the story, and are unwilling to even accept the fact that this is our journey, not theirs, and that we have both acknowledged our individual actions that caused the other to unravel.

Most are well meaning, but ignorant, a few are down right mean spirited and spiteful. When  people see only the suffering of one, they naturally side with the one they have witnessed first hand. What few understand is that the other suffered as well. The people that witnessed the after math with me are skeptical, as are the ones that witnessed the aftermath with him. When everything is put on a scale the weight of pain is pretty much equal.

The last several years we were both put into situations that forced us to learn how to be alone. We were able to step away from the fire and see which matches we each lit, and how we ignited the destruction of the other.

When that happened the door to the future could be opened. What began as a deal to save our family home has only proven we were only apart to learn what we needed to learn so that we could come back bigger and better than before.

Yesterday I had a several hour tattoo session with a man we are both honored to call out friend. We've known him for at least a decade. He knew us before the spiral, he knew us. He has no agenda, as many appear to. It was good. He and I were alone for the 3 hour session and were able to really talk.

It was awesome to hear his genuine, honest, thoughts on the situation at hand. He saw it coming, he knew everything, yet he loves us both. He said we needed time apart to regroup, that he knew we always belonged together. He reiterated several times how happy he was that we were back, how he saw how happy we both are and we were meant to be, "just like in the beginning." I was amazed at his ability to stand before me knowing the total, and complete truth, and tell me we were made for each other.

Mind you, this is a man that knows both sides and is wise enough to basically say, "forgot those other people. They have no clue." He is also one that saw me at my lowest. He said, "Teri, this is a new chapter. People can get on board or they can get the f^@k out of your lives. This is your life, not theirs, and they need to mind their own business. The past is past. If they can't get over it, it's their problem not yours."

My friend, if you should happen to read this, know that you are, with out a doubt, one of the very few, perhaps the only, that was wise enough to allow us to be complete and total idiots, and truly be happy we are now one again. You see the big picture, and we love you for that.

xoxo

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