Manifestation

I knew it would manifest, so when it raised it's head and peeked through the shadows, where it had been hidden for so long, I wasn't surprised. I wasn't surprised by my reaction to its ability to hold me hostage, and its attempt to take control of not only my life, but my inner most being as well.

Actually, to be truthful, it's like visiting an old friend, one that you haven't seen in years, yet are able to pick up where you left off as if no time had passed. 

It's strangely comforting, while at the same time, frightening. I've missed it, longed for it, if only for a short time. I knew, however, that its presence could instigate darkness, confusion and potentially harm.

Even though I knew it was inevitable, it came upon me slowly, as if it were stalking its prey. I guess in a sense it was, and in the in end, it captured me. I need to enjoy it while it lasts, as well as try to tame it, and send it back into the shadows.

It has a clinical name, hypo-mania, as well as physical feelings of jubilation, freedom, happiness and a sense of all being right with the world. Then why, many would ask, is it something I need to be circumspect with? Feeling wonderful and full of life is a good thing, and for many it is.

However, for me, it's something to be carefully monitored. I have a difficult time discerning whether my mood is just the typical good mood of an outgoing person, or if it is a symptom of something that could possibly consume my soul.

I'm angry that I've been put in the position of being tempted to go with the flow, and ride the wave of sunshine and rainbows, I'm angry that I'm tempted to toss all the meds and allow this feeling, the feeling I associate with the "real" me, to be freed from its cage and allowed to fly unencumbered.

I can't allow myself to go with the flow. The symptoms of hypo-mania are prevalent and I know them well enough to call them by name, to recognize them for what they are, and to know to try my best to keep them at bay. If I allow them to take me, as I'm so tempted to do, I know there will eventually be a fall that will be deep and a darkness will envelope me.

There is an upside of the spiraling fall, my creativity will thrive, my writing style will become more poetic, lyrical,  and insightful. Most of my best pieces were written while being tightly held in the talons of the demons the fall brings. I can't allow that to happen, others will be pulled in with me, and their lives will be affected. They will become hyper vigilant and my every movement will be monitored.

Even though I enjoy the overwhelming feelings of joy the hypo-mania brings forth, I'm angry a doctor that solely deals with the physical body, and knows very little of afflictions of the mind, demanded I toss one of my most critical medications. I'm angry that I was put in a position of having to defy his warnings and defend the regimen that has kept me stable for a very long time. I'm angry that I yielded and insisted I would only half the dose, not stop it.

Since I have realized what is really happening, I've taken appropriate action and conferred with the man that is responsible for the stability of my moods. I will resume his recommended dose of the forbidden medication, and I will increase another one slightly.

If I'm lucky, I will be able to hang on to the best of my personality, and quell the sleepless nights, the ever present need to be doing something, to be doing anything, and other tell-tale symptoms of hypo-mania.

I will enjoy it while it lasts, I will mourn its passing and I will rejoice when stability, once again, enters my life.



 

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Manic Thursday

What a roller coaster! Bipolar usually is, it's recognizing the signals that come my way that throw me. When things go too well and I feel too good I always think a manic episode is around the corner.

Well.....HELLO mania! It's been coming on for weeks. I've been super focused, I can't stop working....it's like I just don't have enough hours in the day. For me that's a sign I have to watch. My mood has been incredible and for the most part I feel like me on overdrive. I've been going and going and going for weeks and then I'll crash and burn for a day and do it all over again.

I had a feeling it might be mania, but was hoping I was just doing better. It's funny that when you have bipolar, good days become suspicious. I always wonder if it's real or if its mania.

Usually I love mania, I get more done, I'm happy and out going, chatty and optimistic. It's a good feeling, mostly. Who in the hell am I kidding? It's  wonderful feeling!


Last night was a for sure sign, I couldn't get to sleep until four. I had to totally drug myself to sleep and then was up four hours later,

I emailed my doc to see if he could switch my sleep meds and described everything else going on. He called back immediately and said it sounded more like an onset of mania and not sleep med burn out.

The more I thought about it, the more it made sense. Motor-driven, can't stop moving, unusually happy, not sleeping and racing thoughts. Great, just great. Mania is awesome, EXCEPT it usually signals a fall is near.

A deep, scary, pits of hell fall. The kind of fall where you feel like you're being pulled into a vortex and no matter what you do you can't get out. Actually what's scary is that you don't want to get out, you can't think straight enough to get the strength to want to get out.

We've doubled one on my medications and I hope that will level things out. For now I'm not thinking I'm going to fall, but who in the hell knows? Only time will tell I guess.

So if I disappear for a while you'll know the black Dog, as Winston Churchill called his bipolar depression, has me in it's grips.

I used to wish I was normal, but for me this normal. I don't know any other way.

I should be selling tickets!

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Freedom

When I think about it I guess we're all bound by something, but there are times I want to go back to the days before I was diagnosed with bipolar. I want to be free of the label. I want to just be me.

I want the carefree times of not having to count out meds, of not having to make it to psychiatrist appointments. I want the freedom to be what I thought was me, impulsive, daring, and outgoing.

Most of the time I felt I could conquer the world. I felt so good I knew if I had been younger I could have done back flips. I liked the adventure and the ever changing scenery of my life.

My psychiatrist would call those times "hypomania," and they came with a price. They came with the price of being chained to deep bouts of depression. They came with relationship problems. They came with bonds of the lure of self harm, of destruction.

Today, even though sometimes I wish I was in the days before the term bipolar entered my life, I realize I truly am free. I'm free of the bondage caused by the carefree times, the impulsive times, the throw caution to the wind times. I'm free of the depression that consumed me at times, that kept me in bed and away from the people I love.

I'm free to make my own decisions, not ones marred by an emotional roller coaster. I'm free to enjoy my life without damaging others or myself. I'm free in knowing my demons have a name and I'm free to conquer them.

Now I am free. Truly free.

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I'll Never Understand

Bipolar rules. Bipolar tattoos. Bipolar conspiracy theories. Bipolar cool. Are poodles divas? Arrogant, loud, road rage, excited signs of being bipolar. Are you a bad mom if sometimes you don't want to be a mom?

These are all keywords that led to my blog this week.

First of all, "bipolar rules." The rules for being bipolar are pretty simple, take your meds and try to act normal, whatever normal is.

"Bipolar tattoos?" What the hell would a bipolar tattoo be? A penguin that spends his summers on the North Pole and his winters on the South Pole? I just don't get this.

"Bipolar conspiracy theories." I'm so stuck here. I mean, what is going through that person's mind? Did we really shoot JFK? Maybe we were behind the Watergate burglaries. Bigfoot. Maybe Bigfoot was bipolar. The only conspiracy theory I know of is who in the hell keeps racking up credit card bills at Nordstrom on my credit cards. It's not me, I swear!

"Are poodles divas?" Well, yes and no. My standard poodle wears a swarovski crystal collar which screams diva, but other than that she's a pain in the butt that's becoming increasingly closer to being featured on Craigslist!

"Bipolar cool." Heck yes! Bipolar is cool, it's always a thrill ride, never a dull moment and we always seem to be getting packages in the mail. Mine usually come from Nordstrom or Nike, now that's cool.

"Arrogant, loud, road rage, excited signs of being bipolar?" I know a few of these people and none have confessed to me that they are bipolar. Maybe this fits into the "bipolar conspiracy theory" category? Just between us, I think it has more to do with the "Y" gene than bipolar.

"Are you a bad mom if sometimes you don't want to be a mom?" HELL FREAKING NO! It makes you human, or maybe it makes me a bad mom. Sounding like a conspiracy theory more and more.

I can't wait to see what keywords next week brings.

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Pretty Damned Cool!

I received this email from a woman at a website called "Masters In Psychology" a couple of days ago:

I just published an article on my blog entitled "Top 50 Blogs About Depression" (http://www.mastersinpsychology.net/top-50-blogs-about-depression,) and I'm happy to let you know that I've included your site in my article.

At first I was all like, "Yeah, so what do you want?" Then I checked it out and my little blog is the first one listed under blogs about bipolar! It's actually number 26, but hey, it's first under the bipolar section! The site is actually wonderful and has some great resources for depression of all types. I highly encourage anyone dealing with depression of any sort to check it out.

She, Michelle Parsons, also said about my blog,  "A simple blog entry on the third birthday of her granddaughter alone makes the blog worth reading." You can read that post here. My regular readers know the story well. Anna-Grace wasn't supposed to live but she did and she's more than thriving. Baby Diva ~hey the name fits~ is kicking ass!


Michelle Parson's email got me to thinking. So here I am Diva-ing around writing under the name "The Bipolar Diva" about all sorts of stuff, but not much of anything about bipolar lately.


I guess there are a couple of reasons for that. The first is that I really want people out in the general public to realize that people with bipolar disorder are just like they are. We laugh, we play, we cry, we have jobs (unless you do the Diva thing like I do), we work out ( I still haven't figured out a way to get someone to do that for me), we have good days and we have bad days. We're people that unfortunately have this stigma attached to us that for the most part isn't true.

That's not to say that there aren't those that are severely affected, even disabled by bipolar, and those that choose not to keep on top of the medicinal cocktails that many of of us have to live with. But damn it, for the most part we're just like you, it's just that sometimes our good days and bad days might be a little more good or a little more bad than the typical person's.

Another reason I think I haven't written about bipolar recently is that I feel pretty great lately. I haven't had any swings, any depression and everything, aside from the economy and owning a business (sucks!), anyway things are pretty good for me right now.And I haven't had any ambien related shopping sprees lately.

Feeling so good kinda scares me a little. Since I was diagnosed I've become all too familiar with signs of the different states of bipolar. Generally I'm on the happy side of life, but when things are going so well I always wonder if I'm going into "hypomania."

I found this great definition of hypomania on the WebMD website:

"...it's tremendous ... ideas are fast ... like shooting stars you follow until brighter ones appear... . All shyness disappears, the right words and gestures are suddenly there ... uninteresting people, things become intensely interesting. Sensuality is pervasive, the desire to seduce and be seduced is irresistible. Your marrow is infused with unbelievable feelings of ease, power, well-being, omnipotence, euphoria ... you can do anything ..."


So for me, at the moment, the stars are shining and there are brighter ones in the distance. Is it hypomania? Is it the medicinal concoction I'm on? Or is it just that I'm here, I'm back and I'm doing ok? I choose to believe the latter, that and the fact that I have one kick ass doctor!


Until later,

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Invincible? Me?

Diva? Bipolar? Bipolar? Diva? What the hell? I did a post on the similarities of the two parts of my personality a while ago, but yesterday I had to try to explain it to my psychiatrist. That was a challenge. You should have seen her face. It was priceless. Her expression left me scrambling for words, but being invincible I think I succeeded.

Invincible, that word came up a time or two. You see if you're one of the lucky ones to have the URL for my other blog you know everything, but on this one I have to be a little more careful so I'll try to explain what happened yesterday while being a bit vague. I'll explain in much more detail on the other site tonight. By the way if you want that URL, and meet my crazy criteria, email me at thebipolardiva@gmail.com and I'll send you the top secret application. Well, not really I'll just make sure you can handle what you read and not judge me.

I must be manic, I keep getting off track, I just love mania and I love that I'm mostly manic, it makes me who I am and I think that's a good thing. Luckily my bipolar is very mild and I'm 99% on the happy, outgoing side. The other part has been almost totally controlled with the meds, so hey, I win. If I win, everyone wins.

Off track again. So I'm explaining to her this decision I've made. She asked me about the consequences and if I'd thought of them. I told her I had and they really didn't seem that bad to me. She gave me that look and I knew I was sunk.

"Teri, does that maybe sound like you think you're invincible?"

Oh shit! I was busted. Invincible, a huge bipolar symptom. I thought I was so over that, but she made sense. I'm stubborn, and I guess I was feeling invincible. I tried to justify my decision, didn't work. She won. I would say I lost, but I really didn't. It was a win-win situation. She rocks.

And anyway, being invincible isn't so bad. I take on challenges, I have fun and isn't invincibility a super power? Ha, I win. 

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I Know I Said I Would

I said I'd finish Mary by the weekend. Fail on my part. I will finish her I promise, soon. Then I have another epic tale that you won't freaking believe. I wouldn't believe it had it not happened to me. Like most of my life I guess.

I've been busy with Diva stuff, ya know, massages, pedicures and shopping. Then there was the massive wrapping of presents for the creatures that abide in my home, and the ones that live 10 minutes from me. I've also been able to sneak in some shopping from me. I think I'll wrap the stuff I got for myself, stick it under the tree from Santa. Who's going to say anything about it at that point? How do you think I got my Louis Vuitton luggage set? Score one for the Diva!

I'm actually excited for tomorrow.  Tomorrow will be a day of making fudge, picking up the Christmas cake, and lots of fun tomorrow night. Oh, and I have my cute little mistletoe headband so hopefully I'll be getting lots of kisses from all of the group! Well, maybe not all of them.

In other Diva news, I feel good. As a matter of fact I feel great. That's a feeling that I thought I'd lost to medication and other nuisances in my life. I always worry feeling wonderful is the beginning of mania, but you know what? I miss mania so what the hell, I'm going to roll with it. I'm going to believe that it's the new medication finally taking hold.

There have been a lot of armed robberies going on all around the shopping centers so I've been carrying my .38 on my hip instead of my purse. That's freaked out a person or two, but I'm not taking any chances. Take my credit cards, I don't care.....but don't touch the Louis or my car!

Speaking of my car, you remember the "woman" whose heathen spawn of satan kid-like creature threw her car door open, dented my car then walked away? The police tracked her down. I'm getting my car repaired Monday. Yea me!

I know I've been a slacker on the blog front, both reading and writing. You have to forgive me, it's that time of year and I have a crap load of kids. Can't wait to get back to my normal schedule! 

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