Quelling The Kaleidoscope

Her thoughts gave her motion sickness. They reminded her of the roomful of black track, her father forced her to watch when she was a child, that had tiny cars, of all colors, racing about.

Some of the small, shiny, toys would travel the same path continually, never deviating from their steady pace, others would gather speed until they threw themselves from the track and rolled across the hardwood floors, only to crash into the nearest wall, marring the paint of the base moulding. 

The electrical smell of the track and the cars combined was also present in the deluge of the reality of events tumbling about with things that could be, and things that could have been, they were racing around the lobes of her brain and crashing into her skull. The lingering memory of the long ago odor only made the fog in her head more heavy and dense.

One thought could not be separated from another, and they became a gigantic mass, just as the cars would eventually have done, had her father not deliberately slowed their pace, and carefully re-positioned them on the track he had painstakingly pieced together.

She had always hated when she heard him call her name to watch the swirling cars, they hurt her head, they made her dizzy and the smell, along with the movement, sickened her stomach.

The movement of the thoughts was no different. It had to be their combination that left her feeling once more like a child. There were so many, ranging from intense anger, hurt, and the deepest pain of all pains, to fear, abandonment, joy, excitement, and physical agony. They all were heaped into one massive form that could not be divided.

Most of the feelings, on their own, with the exception of the abandonment and soul piercing pain, would have been easy enough to separate into containers and dealt with in their own time, but there was no time. Each had to be dealt with together, as a whole as soon as possible, or the ship would go down.

As the thoughts collided she kept glancing at the amber colored bottles, filled with a myriad of concoctions, that lay in groups around the room, and wondered which would quell the noise, and which would stop it for eternity, and she was determined to decide which option she would choose.

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The Guardian Bell

I caught a glimpse of it as soon as I pulled into the driveway this morning. A Guardian Bell, I have on my Harley, was dangling slightly below the weather proof cover that protects one of the loves of my life, my Heritage Softail. 

I always yearn to ride, but today caught me by surprise. It's December and cold rain is falling, so riding isn't that appealing, and I have a million details to attend to before embarking on my journey.  So many events have been swirling, like a tornado winding its way through my life, in recent months, that riding has been on the back burner. I've ridden some, but missed some major rallies due to unseen circumstances.

While I still was able to attend "bike nights" in the area, what I long for are more long trips. I had one planned for September that would have taken me down the entire Oregon and California coastlines, back up to hit Vegas for a few days, and on to catch the end of Street Vibrations before heading home to Portland.

I sat in the car for the longest time remembering trips past, and envisioning those yet to come. Yeah, I'm a chick, but the sound of pipes, the feel of the wind, and the biker bond is embedded deeply within my soul.

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Sometimes The Best Start With No Beginning

Well, maybe there is a beginning, one of feeling the need to write. I never know where those times will lead me, but have found that many times they are my best source of therapy.

My feelings this week have run the full spectrum. I've experienced colors unable to be seen by others, those that can only felt by the soul.

I've searched words, memories, and thoughts. I've looked forward, behind, and carried the weight of the presence.

Few answers have come, only more questions, more thoughts, and even more colors, There have been smiles, laughter, and tears, realizations, pain, and joy.

I've found real friendships, and seen the true, bitter, characters of others. The truest of friends, and family, are the ones that know the entirety of situations and have no gaps to fill in or imagine. The bitterness, and lack of character, has come from those with very little knowledge of the truth, other than the one they've formulated, those with no first hand knowledge, only speculation and the darkness of their own souls.

So, I guess, in retrospect, I have no need in my life for those that choose to spin tales with their tongues wagging, and their "truths" with eyes wide shut.

Peace Out,

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Life Lesson From A Wise Man

First of all, the picture I chose does not resemble the man of which I write, but there is enough of a resemblance that he will know. The cap, the glasses and the whiskers.

He is a very wise man and he taught me an incredible life lesson recently.

The lesson was to feel, and not to harm, to choose my words more carefully, after much consideration, and after emotion has come under control, even when I am hurting and confused, I need to stop and think.

He taught me what I have attempted to teach my children, that once spoken, or written, words are not easily forgotten. They leave a mark on people's souls, scars that heal slowly, and that trust must be regained.

He taught me to slow down and think rationally. He taught me much more than that, but the most important thing he taught me was that when you speak out of fear and emotion, you are likely to say the wrong thing, or express your feelings in a way that doesn't come across appropriately. 

He taught me to think, evaluate, and take a breath. He taught me that there are lives that can not be lost.  He taught me that if I don't choose my words wisely, people will be extremely hurt and very afraid.

I hope he reads this. If he does, I hope that he will "like" it on my Facebook page, then I will know that he will know that he made a life long impression on me, and made an incredible difference in my life, and in those around me, and in the way I react, the way I live. He will know that he changed my life for the better, and forever.

He made an impression on me that will never be forgotten.

Thank you, you are wise, you are amazing, and you are special. 

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What a Week

It's been such an emotion filled week, and you know me, I kind of put emotion in the back of my head most of the time when it's overwhelming. Today has brought with it a full spectrum of emotion, and I really don't like that. I've felt everything from elation, to complete fear, and totally feeling alone.

I've been in panic mode for most of the week. I think part of that is because in all the shuffling things about, I can't find my MOST important med, levothyroxine, and it's kind of freaking me out a bit, well, a lot. But on a wonderful side note, I haven't had to take one benzo the entire time....pretty freaking cool.

With all that's happening I need to calm down enough to find the medication, but that's been difficult. Life changes, sleep pattern changes, decisions, and all that come with stepping outside of the box have made it challenging to sit and go through things methodically.  I need to go through all my things tonight and find it.

I feel good though, no spirals, no symptoms of dark clouds looming, I'm just a bit on, well a lot on the scared side. I know my insecurities play into that more than I realize. I "think" I can control them, and I attempt to do so, but reality is that I have to deal with them on a daily basis, and with that comes fear.

My goal is not to allow them to capture me in their talons and to take control of them as I have attempted to do with bipolar, well, most of the time.

It's also funny to me, well sad really, who and what comes out of the woodwork when there are life changes, from people that have absolutely no knowledge of what happened behind the facade of the life I had lived. I even had one person tell me she was "ashamed of me." WTH? I didn't even read her entire text, it was too vile and hate filled, I don't need that now. I need support, my children need support, Jeff needs support. It's a scary time of change for us all, and I cannot fathom why someone would want to intentionally hurt another person in a time like this. Maybe it's because I just don't think that way.

She has not a clue as to the everyday happenings of the life I left. Yes, it bothers me because I love her, but I need to realize that's it's her burden to carry, not mine, and it's her character speaking, not mine. I won't allow people that say they "love" me to speak to me that way, even if they are speaking out of ignorance as to what has gone on.

So, I ask you all on this journey to bear with me. I may seem a little hypo-manic at times, while other times alone in the world, as I do this minute. Today I have experienced both of those emotions fully, and I am very much aware that others do as well.

But the sun will continue to shine, the moon to rise, and in time old scars shall be healed.  A new chapter begins, and life will continue.

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No Longer A Rumor

First I apologize it's been such a long time since I've been on here. It's been chaotic, more than usual, hectic, and stressful. I haven't had the time, nor energy, to think, let alone write.

After months, years, of contemplating, discussing, and stressful situations, my husband and I have made the decision to part ways after 26 years of being together. 

For those that know us well, I realize this is no surprise. The reason I'm writing about this publicly is that last night Jeff asked me to inform everyone we know, and to ask our friends and family, not to inform him of any of my personal life, where I live, who I hang with, who I ride with, or who I know.

He doesn't want to know my friends, or anything, in anyway, about the life I choose to lead. Out of respect for him, I ask you to please honor his request.

We are keeping the business and will continue to work together. Things are amicable and we intend it to remain that way. In no way will we ask anyone to choose sides, that's not right, it's not something we would ever consider.

Jeff will stay with the kids and the house, I am the one that will be leaving. I will be leaving Friday morning. I'll return to gather things I can't take with me after I find a place to land.

We won't be answering questions from anyone, friends or family, about our decision, and what led to it, so please don't put Jeff, me, or my children in the difficult position of peppering us with questions. We will not give answers.

Thanks so much for your understanding and support, and thank you for respecting our privacy during this time.

In time, I know I will be writing of new adventures and new discoveries of a new life, but only when the time is right for all concerned. 

Thank you in advance for your support and for honoring Jeff's request.

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Just Crusin'

I was in the left lane. Left lane means fast lane, right? Right.

Plus the right lane was filled with these old people going, like, the speed limit. What's with that shit?

I was just cruisin' along with only one thing on my mind. Had the music up, beautiful day, what could be better than getting to where I was headed?

Then I saw them, you know, flashing red and blue lights? Yeah, there was a cop right behind me. I didn't even look down to see how fast I was going, I just knew I was in a hell of a lot of trouble, plus I was texting, not punch the little button texting, but hands-free voice texting, but my phone was in my lap. I so knew I was screwed.

I made my way in between the line of Flinstone cars over to the shoulder of the highway, stopped and pushed the little button to put my window down. I leaned over, reached into the glove compartment and got my registration, but I had no insurance card..........anywhere. I was going to jail, convinced of it, knew it, ready to be handcuffed.

The deputy came up to my window, looked at me and smiled. I hate when they do that, you KNOW they're going to rake you over the coals when they do that.

"Ma'am, how are you today?"

"Evidently screwed."

He laughed a little.

"Are you from around here?"

Thinking now, "Dumbass, I know you ran my plates already. You know exactly where I live."

"No sir."

"I just had a black E class Mercedes pass me going 101."

I could only look at him. I had NO idea what to say. Not one word entered my mind, not one. For me, that's a very strange feeling. Actually, that's not true. I thought, for a split second, if I asked him to spank me instead of giving me a ticket, he might let me go.

He kept smiling at me, I kept looking at him.  He never asked for my license, my registration or my insurance. He just kept smiling.

Then he began to nod his head as if he was telling me what to say.

"You were just trying to pass those slow cars weren't you?"

"Yes sir."

"That's what I thought. By the way, beautiful car. Go ahead and pass, and, Ma'am, slow down a little."

He smiled again and walked away.

I sat there for a minute, not really sure what to do, what to think. That shit doesn't happen, especially if I was going as fast as he said I was.

He got in his car and flew down the highway, blowing by every car in sight.

I processed a minute and then thought, "Ok, I'll take it down ten miles an hour."

And off I went. 

But, damn, no handcuffs?

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